A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Flunking out of Statistics Class; or, Signs Are Unclear

I'm no scientist, but even I know a data set of one is hardly the most reliable indicator of trends. But we work with what we've got, and I've got one: one pregnancy; one successful two week wait; one list of symptoms.

I assume that my next pregnancy--whenever and however it is--will resemble my last. I assume it will resemble that two week wait more than the 9+ others that didn't lead to an embryo in my ute. And thankfully (or more likely, unfortunately), I kept relatively detailed notes of my symptoms during successful cycle 7, notes against which I now compare every twinge and cramp and stomach burble in every subsequent two week wait.

"Let's see, I'm 6 dpo and feeling hungry but have no backache. And on 11 dpo my boobs are tender, but only on the sides and the cramps are dull and higher in my ute and my skin is oily. Let's turn to the symptoms bible and see how it compares."

Of course, the biggest mind fuck of it all is that I felt like my period was coming for much of that 2ww, too. And while my notes were frequent, they were also a little vague. I didn't give the intermittent cramps a ranking on the 1-10 pain scale. I didn't specifically note where in my abdomen they were located or perfectly time their frequency. I didn't jot down exactly how tender my boobs were, or which part of them was most sensitive. And seven months later, I somehow can't quite remember how I felt during that last week.

Clearly, these results would not fly in any scientific journal of repute, but that won't stop me from performing my calculations. I'm 9 dpo or so right now and things are not stacking up great. Rereading my posts from October, I see that I felt very much like my period was coming at this point (as I do now), so that's a wash. My boobs are a bit more tender than usual, but they're most tender on the sides (pre-period) rather than in the center or near the nipple (pregnancy). My boobs are also huge, as when I was pregnant. But the huge pregnancy boobs came after I took the test--my notes show that prior to that they were actually a little on the smaller side. I have one tiny baby zit near my right temple and my skin feels a bit oily, which is all very period and so much pregnancy.

Okay, I got that out of the way, and I promise I won't subject you to this sort of ridiculousness again. The only thing worse than running through these mental contortions is reading someone else's. Both lead to extreme grumpiness, which I am definitely feeling these days.

Not helping with my grumpiness: the skinny jeans arrived. Murphy apparently has it in for me. I couldn't even zip them up. Either AC.NE sizes their jeans way smaller than all the other brands I wear or I am having some outrageously intense period bloat. The third option--that I've gone up a size thanks to frequent "I'm not pregnant so I deserve this ice-cream/cake/jumbo bag of potato chips" binges--is not something I can consider right now. If the last 16 months have made me both fat and barren, the universe is going to get a crotch kick like it wouldn't believe.


  1. Argh, sorry about the jeans, that sucks.
    Hoping the next days of symptom-comparison go by quickly (I'm doing the same, and I'm just at 6dpo), and that you get 2 lovely lines!

  2. This is a tough one for sure. I think some women have similar symptoms each time but for me the truly screwy thing is that they've been different. Sometimes the boobs hurt, sometimes they don't. Sometimes my back hurts, sometimes it doesn't. And like you, when I go back to really look at my notes I realize that a lot of the symptoms were after the 2ww anyway. It messes with the mind in the worst ways.

    Here's hoping that the next few days pass quickly, and that they bring good news. And that you won't have to worry about making comparisons for a very long time.

  3. Ahhh those famous misleading symptoms. I think we've all google to death the meaning of a cramp here, a soar boob there. I sure was guilty of that on every single cycle. As if I hadn't already look it up a month prior I would check out every single one of those symptoms all over again to make sure it was or wasn't pregnancy related.

    I vote for the jeans company just trying to sabotage you and therefore you should send them back and get a new top that's going to show off that new and improved cleavage of yours ;)

  4. I'm still impressed that you took notes! Seriously, that alone is more than I can muster.

    On the jeans, and the "if not pregnancy then food" issue you raise above -- I hear you. I'm neither as thin as I was nor pregnant at this point, and it is pissing me off. But that brand does run waay small, and in fact I have stopped even trying them. My new fave for skinny jeans? James. I'm just waiting for Gilt to carry them!

  5. it's the jeans, it's not you. even with the brands i'm most faithful to, i can't order online and have to try them on instead.

    i had this spooky weird feeling when i read your post about your dream the other day. so i'm very hopeful for you that this cycle is your lucky one, and that all this anxiety will be worth it in the end. with that being said, i'm with suchagoodegg in that part of me envies your symptoms, yet i can't imagine riding this roller coaster every month. hang in there :o)

    ps - had to hide my blog temporarily bc a real life friend might've found it due to my careless. will unhide when my paranoia subsides.

  6. Wow, those are some wild symptoms. Between those and your dream, it sounds like this could be a great cycle for you. At least that's what I hope! But I understand where you are coming from. The 2WW is such a roller coaster ride with symptoms, and I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. I've been there before when they results weren't what I hoped they would be, and I know it's not fun.

    And I agree with previous posters: it's the jeans and not you. I can't order things online, especially any type of bottoms. There are too many variables and it seems as though every company has their own, individual size chart.

  7. I'm pulling hard for pregnant!!! Impossible to know though...

  8. I'm really hoping this is it for you! I too try and think back to the symptoms I had in November when I got my BFP, but in some ways I think--do I really want to have the same symptoms, b/c that pregnancy certainly did not turn out the way I wanted it to. Hoping that the remaining days of this 2ww are stress free w/ a beautiful surprise bfp at the end.

  9. p.s. Try not to look at too many of the 'pregnancy' charts on FF. That's when I know I'm going insane...

  10. Its definitely the jeans, and I have to admit I laughed out loud at the crouch kick comment. In a year of trying to get pregnant I gained 10 lbs, and after IVF I looked pregnant so I was going to be pretty effing pissed if that beta was negative, hah!

    And I think its great you have symptoms to go off of, I had absolutely nothing my first pregnancy, and with IVF I felt like I really couldn't compare since I was all hyped up on hormones! Thinking of you and hoping SO hard this is it!!