A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Lou-Ellen Returns; or, Answering E-mails

I got an e-mail from Clueless Preggo today thanking me for the note and book I sent her a few weeks ago. It came at just the right time. I'd been wondering if she received the package, becoming increasingly annoyed, wondering if I should contact her, fantasizing about yelling at her, worrying that she was offended, berating myself for being a bad friend. Dramatizing and staging entire five-act tragedies of revenge and betrayal in my mind, all of which ended very badly. As usual, reading far more into an innocuous silence than existed.

The e-mail was nice. She let me know how sweet she thought it was that I sent the book and card and that she does know I'm going through a hard time and is thinking of me. She also wrote "I have total confidence that you and [Lawyer Guy] will become parents very soon. I can feel it. And you'll be amazing. I can't wait for our kids to play together!" Which is nice (rather than naive), because I want that confidence back: the confidence I had even in the worst days after the miscarriage that this would happen again for us, the confidence that dissipates a little more with each negative cycle.

She said she would love to get dinner or coffee or to hang out on the weekend whenever I want and that it's been too long since we've seen each other. And then she let me know that her mother is throwing a baby shower (which I'll receive the invite for next week) in August. She would love for me to come but understands if I don't feel up for it.

I know it's the right thing to go to the shower, so I will go to the shower. And I expect there to be some very hard moments. But it takes some of the hurt away to have her acknowledge that it might be painful for me.

So, there it is. My third bridesmaid's shower to attend before I get a babe of my own. At least I'm not throwing this one myself like I did the other two.

I need to respond and let her know that I want to see her. And then I need to see her. I think it will sting, though the moment is always less painful than the anticipation of it. Time to call up Lou-Ellen again and survive another round.


  1. I'm so glad that she responded and was understanding of how difficult this is for you. I hate the waiting period after you send something and go out on a limb like that and wonder how they're going to take it. It sounds like she responded as well as she could and I hope she continues to be supportive.

  2. So happy that she responded, and that she responded like this. Somehow, it's easier to go forward with friendships when there's that acknowledgment on both sides. And what she says about it just being a matter of time -- well, I think you're taking it exactly as you should. The confidence of other people can go a long, long way.

    (And thank goodness that you won't be throwing this one).

  3. I, too, am glad your friend was understanding. I think it was charitable [sp?] that she let you know a baby shower invite may be forthcoming so you weren't caught off guard. I suspect it took her a while to respond to you because she wasn't quite sure how to handle it either.

    Um, WHY, do you have to go to the shower? Can't you be "out of town" or something? Seriously, why torture yourself? I had a close friend whose shower was shortly after my 3rd m/c and I told her point blank why I couldn't come. No problem. Other baby showers I've avoided via an email or phone call that I already had out of town plans, and "so sorry" I wouldn't be able to make it!

    You do not need to go to this thing. You don't earn a stripe or a badge by enduring these baby showers, I promise you. So don't make it part of your life to attend these festivities. Do something more fulfilling and healthy and relaxing instead. Or do something fun with your husband in which little kids and pregnant bellies are unlikely to be seen (hiking or horseback riding or wine-tasting come to mind).


  4. I'm glad she responded in such a positive way and is aware how hard this could be for you right now.

  5. i'm glad that she acknowledged your pain. without that, i imagine it would've been impossible to even think about going to her shower. i'm proud of you that you're planning on going. i actually regret not going to the one from a few months ago and have decided to just go from now on (but i will not be sober!).

  6. So happy to hear she responded so well!! Sometimes it just makes such a difference for someone to address it, and let us decide. Like once you're giving the out for the shower, its like okay so maybe I'll suck it up and go afterall. Whereas if they hadn't said anything in the first place (which usually is the case) I would be all put out and defensive about going. And you suck up that confidence, I have tons for you...I really do. It will happen again!!

  7. How nice that she has some compassion in her. I hope seeing her makes you feel better--it's been my experience that it will, though as you say, it will sting. I hope she turns out to be magically supportive!

  8. I really don't think you have to go to that shower if you're not up for it. You can conveniently have something else going on, like Ms. J said.

    I'm really glad to hear that she finally responded to your card/book, though. That's kind of a relief.

  9. Lou Ellen is warranted, I'm afraid. I am happy that she did give you an out, as that's a sign that she's getting some clue. Shoot. I do hope that it's a nice and mellow affair with limited interaction on your part.

  10. I just had to pop over here and say your story about your friend with the c-section was the worst of any of the comments left on this post (http://www.fromiftowhen.com/) yesterday. I almost fell out of my chair.
    Hang in there girl!

  11. Glad to hear she responded, and understands your pain. I hope that her "feeling" is right.
    If you go to that baby shower, good luck. I imagine that must be very hard (given that I was basically crying looking at the baby in the row in front of me on a plane recently).