A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Another One Bites the Dust; or, Times Like These I Really Hate Myself

After a weekend with my (wonderfully, beautifully) pregnant best friend and her husband--in town from the West Coast--my husband and I stopped by his mother's birthday brunch to find our toddler niece wearing a shirt that read "Big Sister." Yup, my sister-in-law is pregnant with number two.

Please pardon me. I don't do this sort of thing in real life, but I've got to get it out somewhere, and to someone, and anonymous random people on the internet are probably better than strangers on the street, my husband, or my dog.



My husband says I kept it together just fine while we were there, looked happy and normal. I asked lots of questions about names and morning sickness and whatnot, and then I got in the car and cried all the way back home.

I hate being this way. I hate begrudging people their happiness. I hate feeling shut out of my own life by my own feelings. I hate being the invisible girl in the room, the one with the empty uterus and nothing to offer. (And it's my fault I feel that way, no one else's).

I toggle between wanting to let myself feel my feelings, and wanting to give myself a kick in the ass. So after crying, it's time for some ass-kicking:

1) Six months is not that long to try, and there are people who've been through so much worse for so much longer, so I have no right to complain.
2) Things are good in my life, I'm lazy and happy (when I'm not thinking about babies) and busy and I really don't mind things being the way they are.
3) Everyone I know (literally, EVERYONE) who was trying or potentially trying to get pregnant is now pregnant. All my other friends and relatives of child-bearing age are either unmarried or have told me they are not trying yet. So I figure, I've got at least the next six months to be free of pregnancy announcements, and then I'll be either pregnant myself or starting fertility testing, and there will be a plan.

Honestly, I can perk myself up reasonably well with these kinds of mental reminders when I'm on my own. But I'm sort of dreading the family get-togethers for the next seven months, which will be come increasingly and overwhelmingly focused on the baby. I want to be happy and have fun and not feel shitty and resentful and angry and sad.

How do I do it?

Friday, August 14, 2009

Annual Checkup; or I Love My Doctor

I went in for my biannual exam/annual pap on Tuesday. This was the first appointment with my gyno since the pre-conception visit back in February, when I confidently expected that I would be knocked up the next month.

While there I brought up my irregular cycles, the weird bleeding last month, last month's extremely short cycle and period that only last for two days. We've got a plan for moving forward, and I feel okay about it. No, I feel good about it.

We keep doing as we do this cycle, the sixth. Then, starting with the seventh (sometime in September) I get an ovulation predictor kit. If it registers that I ovulate, I let my doctor know and we keep trying until January (the 11 month mark) when we take the "next steps." If I don't register ovulation, then I let her know and come back in (in October) to start testing.

I don't know why I feel so positive about this. She just seemed so upbeat about my chances, that it made me feel good. "You're going to get pregnant," she said. "Aren't I always right?" she asked her nurse. And if I'm having trouble ovulating, she asserted, "We'll get you pregnant. There are ways."

I know some people dislike cheerfulness before the fact. I know some women would suggest I find a new doctor who'd more aggressively test or who would mitigate against hopefulness. But I can handle the doom and gloom on my own. I can provide the pessimism.

She gave me a big hug and a smile before she left, and I felt like she was already happy for me. And for the first time in a long time, I feel okay for me, too.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

What the Hell?; or, Seriously, What the Hell?

I used to be a textbook. I used to be a clock. I used to be the hatching cycle of the northern cicada, or Halley's Comet, or some other eminently predictable natural occurance. I used to be regular.

What the hell happened?

Two years ago, my always-35-day cycle decided predictability was out and intrigue and surprise were in. "Why not 30 days?" it asked. "Okay, how about 34? Still too boring? Let's do 39. Oh, oh, and now 44. And back to 34. And now we'll do 31."

Fun. It's tons of fun never knowing when I'm going to ovulate or exactly how long my luteal phase will be afterward (yeah, that's in on the hijinks, too). But the most fun of all is my exciting mid-cycle bleeding!

That, too, started two years ago. I think the two have to go hand in hand. I now bleed for anywhere from two to five days consecutively and four to ten days total preceding my ovulation (there are often breaks of several spot-free days between consecutive days of spotting). Sometimes the blood is very light and one pantyliner will last all day. Sometimes the blood is heavier and I'll need to change the liner twice or so. One horrible month, it was so strong I bled right through my skirt. Thank you menstrual cycle for allowing me to relive the worst moments of junior high in my late twenties. Really special times.

Okay, so now comes my What the Hell incident of late. I'm on day 28 of my cycle. I'd guess I'll get my period in the next three to six days...BUT:

- I visited London two weeks ago with my husband. International travel across time zones has always screwed with my cycle.
- I've been spotting for the last eight days straight.

So I have no idea what's going on. This isn't ovulatory bleeding, as usual. That's usually pink and quite watery for me. Plus, I had that while I was in England. This is brown and kind of viscous.

I was supposed to ovulate while abroad. Since I don't temp any longer, I'm not sure if I did--but the mucus was right for it while I was there. But, since I traveled I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't. Plus, I NEVER spot after I ovulate, just before. But, like I said, this isn't normal spotting.

I see four possible causes:

1. I didn't ovulate yet and I'm going to have a seriously long cycle/delayed ovulation/anovulatory cycle.
2. I did ovulate, and now my body's just thinking up ways to mess with my head and screw with my system.
3. It doesn't matter whether I ovulated or not, because the spotting is being caused by some serious underlying fertility problem that my gyno hasn't caught yet.
4. I'm pregnant.

Yeah, that last one always slips in there uninvited. Party crasher.