I'm not sure if this is a sign of hope or despair. I'm not sure if I'm taking action or giving up. But I took a really big step today: I made a firm appointment for my first RE consultation.
This cycle is not going so great, and it's had me down for the last few days. After all my optimism about vitex last month, I'm on CD 17 with no EWCM and still showing low readings on the CBEFM. Even worse, the mid-cycle spotting is back, despite continuing with my raspberry leaf tea. It's not a lot of spotting (not like it was in Spring 2009) and it's brown and faint, but this is not making me happy, to say the least.
Now in the past, cycles like this would send me into a tailspin. I direct your attention to this post (coincidentally, also on CD 17) from last September as case in point. But a few factors have modulated my emotional reaction into something more like vague unease and disappointment rather than vicious self-recrimination and dismay.
a) Time. Seriously, I'm no longer capable of getting all worked up over every fucking bump in every fucking cycle. After eighteen months, I just don't have it in me any more.
b) Options. Knowing that I have decided to go to the doctor, to get tested, and to finally have some assistance on this road is taking a huge burden off my back. So what if this is a fucked-up cycle. I'll soon have a professional on the case.
c) Experience. I've cried about screwy cycles before. I've worried I wouldn't ovulate. And I (almost) always have. I even got pregnant during that crazy-making screwy cycle last September, so I'm not shedding all hope now.
Make no mistake, despite my reasonably calm reaction to these setbacks, I am not a happy Sloper right now. So I decided to call the Dr's office at N.YU to find out if the insurance hurdles have been surmounted yet. They haven't (though the nurse is very hopeful for September 1st). That's okay. When they are, I'll make the appointment for the consult there.
In the meantime, I've got a consult with a Dr. at Cor.nell! Who takes my insurance! And has good patient reviews online! Once I get the appointment at NY.U, I'll go to both consults and figure out which doctor I feel more comfortable seeing.
So come September 17th, my RE adventure begins. The door on getting pregnant unassisted is starting to close for me, and I pushed it a little more by making that call. But a window is definitely opening, and the breeze feels good.
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