I feel like I've just run a marathon while wearing cement boots. Or swum the English Channel with a bowling ball tied to my leg. I did not intend to be absent for a week after my last post, but sometimes life grabs a bullhorn and shouts: NO INTERNET! in your ear, and when that happens it's best to listen.
To make a long and really quite tedious story short, I've been a subpar student the last year. I've been distracted and depressed (I think we can all relate) and I let a lot of things slide and was given a pass on a lot of things by the people who are handing out the passes. So last week, as I started my fertility testing and prepared to head back into the classroom as a teacher, I sent a casual e-mail to one of the pass-givers expecting another pass...and found out I shit was out of luck. No more passes to be had. Time to get stuff done.
So I have written three 20-page papers and taught 4 classes in the past 6 days, which I doubted I would be capable of doing in my 3-am panic of last Wednesday night. I'm hoping and praying that once tomorrow is over this academic Code Red will be officially and finally turned off. We shall see.
Aside from my current mush brain and hand cramp (or is it brain cramp and mush hands?), I must confess that a part of me liked being MIA from this corner of the world the past week. What a pleasant change to feel overwhelming anxiety about something and ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO FIX THE PROBLEM! Genius, right? I should try getting more fixable problems, they're awfully good for the psyche.
The other reason I've been glad to be away is that I pretty much have two TTC modes right now: indifferent and pissed off. And-- I give you full permission to hate me in about 2.5 seconds--pissed off is winning with all the new BFPs I've seen in the last two weeks.
I know it's not fair. I know I'm not the only one still stuck here. I know no one has taken anything from me. I know EVERYONE on my blogroll who's gotten a BFP deserves it (and a big bag of diapers too). I know I want only happy pregnancy updates from my blog friends. I know every long-sought BFP should inspire me with hope.
But they don't. They make me mad. Yup. Mad. I am so goddamnfuckingfurious that my long-sought baby had to die. I am so motherfuckingpissedoff that eighteen months of my life have passed in a useless, stupid haze of pointless obsessing and worrying and peeing on things and taking temperatures and I would have been better off NEVER OVULATING AT ALL AND GETTING TO GO TO THE RE FIFTEEN COCKSUCKING MONTHS AGO.
I am a great big ball of bitterness and bile and I'm afraid if I spend too much time reading people's happy news I'll spew napalm all over it, and if I spend too much time reading people's sad news I'll want to blow my fucking brains out.
So, yeah. That's what's up with me. I bet you wish I still had some papers to write.
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
11 months ago