A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Silence of the Blogs; or An Evil Swamp Thing Rises From the Muck

I feel like I've just run a marathon while wearing cement boots. Or swum the English Channel with a bowling ball tied to my leg. I did not intend to be absent for a week after my last post, but sometimes life grabs a bullhorn and shouts: NO INTERNET! in your ear, and when that happens it's best to listen.

To make a long and really quite tedious story short, I've been a subpar student the last year. I've been distracted and depressed (I think we can all relate) and I let a lot of things slide and was given a pass on a lot of things by the people who are handing out the passes. So last week, as I started my fertility testing and prepared to head back into the classroom as a teacher, I sent a casual e-mail to one of the pass-givers expecting another pass...and found out I shit was out of luck. No more passes to be had. Time to get stuff done.

So I have written three 20-page papers and taught 4 classes in the past 6 days, which I doubted I would be capable of doing in my 3-am panic of last Wednesday night. I'm hoping and praying that once tomorrow is over this academic Code Red will be officially and finally turned off. We shall see.

Aside from my current mush brain and hand cramp (or is it brain cramp and mush hands?), I must confess that a part of me liked being MIA from this corner of the world the past week. What a pleasant change to feel overwhelming anxiety about something and ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO FIX THE PROBLEM! Genius, right? I should try getting more fixable problems, they're awfully good for the psyche.

The other reason I've been glad to be away is that I pretty much have two TTC modes right now: indifferent and pissed off. And-- I give you full permission to hate me in about 2.5 seconds--pissed off is winning with all the new BFPs I've seen in the last two weeks.

I know it's not fair. I know I'm not the only one still stuck here. I know no one has taken anything from me. I know EVERYONE on my blogroll who's gotten a BFP deserves it (and a big bag of diapers too). I know I want only happy pregnancy updates from my blog friends. I know every long-sought BFP should inspire me with hope.

But they don't. They make me mad. Yup. Mad. I am so goddamnfuckingfurious that my long-sought baby had to die. I am so motherfuckingpissedoff that eighteen months of my life have passed in a useless, stupid haze of pointless obsessing and worrying and peeing on things and taking temperatures and I would have been better off NEVER OVULATING AT ALL AND GETTING TO GO TO THE RE FIFTEEN COCKSUCKING MONTHS AGO.

I am a great big ball of bitterness and bile and I'm afraid if I spend too much time reading people's happy news I'll spew napalm all over it, and if I spend too much time reading people's sad news I'll want to blow my fucking brains out.

So, yeah. That's what's up with me. I bet you wish I still had some papers to write.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

UPDATED Help Me, Bloggers!; or, An Unexpected Call

I'm working on a photo-filled Scandi trip recap, but it is getting stalled by my syllabus planning schedule (I return to teaching on Thursday and am woefully behind in planning my new courses), so you'll have to wait until the end of the week for our virtual tour of Copenhagen and Stockholm. But! In the meantime! Some news and a request for advice!

I posted in the past about the insurance issues with the office of the RE at N.YU (Dr. Man) I had originally wanted to see. Because of a lengthy on-going contract negotiation between that office and my insurance company, I went ahead and made an appointment with a different RE at Cor.nell (Dr. Lady) for a few weeks from now.

Well, yesterday the very friendly nurse from Dr. Man's office called and left me a message saying that the insurance contract has been finalized and they now accept my group.

So I'm putting this to my RE-adept readers. Should I make a second consultation appointment with Dr. Man? My appointment with Dr. Lady is the 17th (which will most likely be after ovulation). I would hope to get an appointment with Dr. Man this month, as well.

Is it kosher to have preliminary meetings with more than one RE office? If I do, should I be upfront about the fact that I'm looking at another clinic as well, and take time before moving on to testing with either office? If I do set up this second appointment, what sorts of things should I consider in deciding which to work with? What kinds of questions should I ask? I know many of you had disappointing experiences with your first REs. Are there any warning signs you would recommend looking for to stave off that possibility?

If I can get this sorted out by tomorrow, I'll feel much better about beginning the semester in two days: new school year, new classes, new hope on the TTC front, all in time for the anniversary of the m&m's conception. Maybe things will start looking up for me soon!

I called and made the appointment for Dr. Man (two days before my appointment with Dr. Lady). And I mentioned I'm on CD 3. And I'm going in for blood work today after my therapy session (conveniently around the corner from Dr. Man's office).

Holy crap, this is really happening.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Jet-Lag; or, CD 1

Just a quick post to say that I live, I breathe, I bleed!

(Is this too much info for my first post back? Should I have reacquainted you with my charming ovaries and lining-rich--yet frustratingly barren!--uterus with chatter about the lovely efficacy of diflucan? Sorry, but AF showed up today somewhere between Greenland and New Foundland and her bitchiness tends to be catching).

Overall, though, the trip was lovely. I highly recommend spending every 1 week wait in Europe, if at all possible. Unless you live in Europe. Then I'd recommend Asia.

I'll post plenty of pictures soon (Lawyer Guy was instructed to take several clever face-disguising shots just for blogging use), but right now I need to watch last week's Mad Men before some cretin spoils it for me or I go into convulsions from Don Draper withdrawal. Then I need to continue ignoring the 1,000+ e-mails in my inbox by going to sleep.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Outward Bound; or, Thank God for 24-Hour Pharmacies

In January, right before Lawyer Guy and I left for our cruise I came down with a yeast infection. (I have since learned that this is incredibly common right before the first AF after a natural miscarriage or d&c.) Tomorrow we fly across the sea to Scandinavia. And guess what? A huge glob of something thick, creamy, and white literally fell out of me into the toilet last night! Now, I have no itching or irritation yet, but I didn't have that at first last time either. Thankfully, my doctor was able to call in the prescription to my pharmacy today, so I at least don't have to worry about running through the aisles of a drugstore in a country where I don't speak the language and mistaking hemroid cream for monistat.

When this happened in January, I immediately began googling "yeast infection early pregnancy" etc. etc. ad nauseum. And of course, yeast infections are a sign of early pregnancy! Wanna know what else they're signs of? You guessed it, PMS! And sometimes a yeast infection's just a yeast infection.

As long as mine goes away before I set foot in Copenhagen, I'll be okay with it. I'll admit I'm tempted, but I'm not going to google and I'm not going to speculate. This month more than ever, it's just a waste of energy. Thank goodness I get to spend the entirety of the 1ww in Europe, exploring and drinking and eating and sightseeing and (I desperately hope!) not having any time to over analyze each cramp/twinge/itch. I don't need to bring peesticks of any variety. I don't need to bring stack of pads and tampons. I'm going to treat this as a real vacation--from everything.

And on that note, I'm off! I'm not going to check in with you lovelies while I'm away, because I really want this time to decompress and forget as much as possible about TTC. But I will certainly catch up when I get home in 8 days.

Don't miss me too much! I know it will be hard to get by without knowing every detail of my yeasty discharge, but you'll just have to try.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Weddings and Babies; or, Odds and Ends

After Sunday's post, I want to clarify what the concern is with my sister's wedding next August: her wedding is in Napa; I live in New York. I don't care about being fat at a wedding or looking less than great postpartum in wedding pictures. Please, I would take it gladly and wear that extra chub with pride! But I know that if I am 36+ weeks at the time of her wedding, I won't be able to attend. And I have my doubts as to the feasibility of bringing a newborn--say 6 weeks or younger--on a crosscountry plane trip (I'm thinking it would be an infection risk, but if anyone knows otherwise, please let me know).

For these reasons, I think we'll have to hold off on treatments with the RE until January, which will be frustrating considering we'll get our testing done in October and then just stop. But I've pretty much decided that I'm going to continue trying naturally during December and January. I can't start trying to avoid at this point. Everything in my heart speaks against it.

* * *
Naturally, my mother had some choice words on the subject. I haven't spoken to her about our treatment plans or my feelings since our incredibly awful conversation in April, and I think our relationship was much the better for it. But I wanted to get her take on my sister's wedding and the scheduling conflict it presents. I know my sister will be horribly hurt and incredibly angry if I can't go (even though she skipped my 30th birthday party to spend two weeks in Puerto Rico with her fiance notthatI'mstillbitteroranything). And truthfully, I'd be devastated to miss it, too! Myy mom said I should try to avoid during those months because "Won't you feel awful knowing if you'd just waited eight weeks none of this would be a problem?"

No, Mother. If I get pregnant and am lucky enough to carry the baby to term, I will not feel awful nor will I wish I had waited. I will be incredibly sad to not be in California, but I will thank God for the miracle of my child and have zero regrets.

It's all moot, because it's not November yet (though let's be honest, it's just around the corner) and there's no guarantee I would get pregnant even with treatments in those months, let alone without. But it's still discouraging to know that after all this time, my family would hold something like this against me.

* * *
Also discouraging: the name that Lawyer Guy's cousin gave to her son born yesterday. When he woke me up this morning with the words "Do you want the bad news or the worse news?" my heart leaped into my throat, but the reality was not far off from my frantic imaginings. Of course this 27-year-old, barely employed, multiple-accidental-pregnancy-having couple would give their son the boy's name LG and I hate (HATE HATE HATE) more than any other, the name we have mocked to each other for over a year. OF COURSE!

And no, I'm not going to spell out what the name is here, because it's somewhat popular in certain parts of the country (though not NYC) and I don't want to offend any readers. And I know that taste is subjective.

But still. My taste is better. I've got so many great names in the hopper just waiting for the right babies to wear them. Why do these people get to pollute our society with awful, awful names while... well, you know.

* * *
Despite my reaction to the cousins' new baby (ugh, that name!) I think I'm getting a little better about dealing with unexpected announcements. My mom told me that our former next-door neighbor called her recently with the news that her 24-year-old, unmarried, college-dropout daughter is pregnant. (Ha ha universe! Got me again!) And then my mom said that it made her sad, because she wants to be a grandmother, too.

You might think that this would make me feel guilty or worse, but it didn't. My mom has been so resolutely beating the drum of positivity this past year that for her to acknowledge that this is a horribly painful situation for her too helped me feel less alone. I guess I'm selfish that way. I don't mind if other people suffer as long as we're all suffering together. It's the loneliness I can't take.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A Long Two Weeks To Go; or, No News Is Not Always Good News

I'm back from Shelter Island, a little battered and bruised emotionally. I can only say this: the timing this month wasn't good. Getting pregnant based on our recent "schedule" isn't impossible, of course, at least not according to TCOYF. But I'm a realist here. Yay! I Can't Believe It Happened Like This! bfps aren't in the cards for us. We had one month of excellently timed sex that led to a pregnancy. We've had months and months of excellently timed sex that led to a big fat nothing. And we've had months and months of not-so-well timed sex that yielded nothing as well.

I'm probably about 1 dpo and I already know I'm not pregnant. I can't tell you how much that hurts, to feel like we've given up before we've even begun. To feel hopeless right off the bat. I'm now positive that we will be going to our RE appointment next month. And I'm now worrying overtime about my sister's wedding next summer and whether to delay treatments because of it. I'm fretting. I'm crying. I'm grieving the baby-without-assistance that I don't think we'll get to make.

But Lawyer Guy and I are closer than ever right now, and we've had some amazing moments of communication in the last 24 hours. If we ever do get the baby that we want so much, that kid will so lucky to have two parents as unconditionally crazy about each other as they are about him or her.

Friday, August 6, 2010

And Now For Something Completely Different; or, Home Improvement

I've been talking a lot about the work we've been having done in my apartment the last two weeks, and I thought it would be nice to show you some of what's been going on (and it's always fun to give a little peek into my secret life). It is taking much longer than I thought it would, but I believe that's a hazard of this kind of project so I'm trying not to get upset over it. As long as things are mostly taken care of before we leave for Scandinavia a week from today, I'll be fine.

First, we had a built-in bookshelves/media center constructed:

I really love the way this turned out! Being a literature student, my book collection is out of control and constantly growing, so we really needed some additional book storage space. Having this built allowed us to remove one tall bookshelf from our living room and to get rid of a crappy dvd stand Lawyer Guy bought at Cost.co or something years ago. This is so much more streamlined and adult! I love the staining of the maple and the wavy glass door (so we can use the remote without opening anything). The glare to the left is the morning light coming in our bay window, and to the right you can see our teeny-little fireplace. Oh, and the painting hung over the mantel is a wedding gift from some friends of my parents. It's a watercolor of the chapel at my high school where Lawyer Guy and I were married.

Our second project is a complete overhaul of our storage/utility closet. We have a large and rather deep closet near our bedroom that was being completely wasted. There were two little metal shelves in the back, and that was it. We piled crap on the floor willy-nilly. It was terribly unsightly and also impossible to locate anything we needed.

This is how the closet looks as of this morning:

Very much a work in progress, as you can tell. We had a second storage compartment cut into the space above the closet doors (the closet extended all the way up past the doors to the ceiling, but that was basically unusable space before). The drywall installer has been impossible-- not showing up when he's supposed to and taking far longer to do everything than he implied he would--so getting that hole cut has been the primary time suck of the last week. And his tools are what you see sitting at on the floor in there (all the crap that usually resides there is currently hanging out in the second bedroom).

After he's done sanding and painting (which, pray to God, will be Monday), our woodworkers will install shelves in a U-shape to make a pantry and storage space and doors on the cubby above. We'll have all our random crap so much better organized and will also be shifting non-perishables from the kitchen cabinets, freeing up storage space there as well.

So there you have it! A little glimpse at my tiny, space-free apartment and a run-down on the activities that have kept me confined to my home for the last week. I will be so excited when all these projects are over.

(I've also got to mention--for completeness's sake--that I finally got my peak reading this morning. So my doctor was right and that follie was ready to blow. LG and I are off to Shelter Island to stay at some friends' rental place for the weekend. I'm hoping we get a bedroom with a lock on the door!)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Chickening Out, in More Ways Than One; or, Another Day, Another Doctor

I had my annual check-up with my Gyn today, at which I chickened out as always and didn't tell her I've scheduled an appointment with an RE for 45 odd days from now. She was giving me the, "Six cycles isn't that long to try, just relax and keep going" routine, and I just didn't want to get into the rest of it with her. I love her and how supportive and kind she is, but she's not one to get worried quickly. And, I don't know, I just felt awkward and uncomfortable telling her about this other appointment, like I was cheating on her or doubting her professional judgment or something. So I didn't.

Because I'm on CD 23 and haven't ovulated yet, she did a quick ultrasound (Hi Wandy! It's been a while. Come on in, make yourself at home!) to check out my ovaries. There's a giant follie on the right ovary that she said is ready to pop in the next few days. Yesterday I finally started getting high readings on the CBEFM, so that confirms it.

She was struck, however, by my uterine lining. It's thick. Really, really thick. So thick she made me take a pregnancy test at the office just to make sure (and I don't need to spell out the result of that test do I? I mean, I think you all can assume by this point, if the 4-foot, ready-to-blow follie didn't give you enough of a hint). From cursory googling, I've seen that delayed ovulation/longer follicular phases can lead to extra lining build-up. And my doctor said it's possible that the raspberry leaf tea I'm drinking has thickened it. But she also wants me back in after I get my period to check for polyps. Great.

So is a 1.3 cm lining absolutely insane before ovulation? Will that harm my chances of getting pregnant? She told me not to worry about it and she didn't tell me to stop drinking the tea--or to keep drinking the tea for that matter. She didn't say anything about the tea other than that it can stimulate lining growth.

I can't help thinking of my dear friend Egg and her lining issues and all the stress and heartache and worry they've caused her. And here I am with the exact opposite scenario, but similar fears. Why is my body not right? What is going on down there? How can I make it better?

If anyone with more expertise on lining could weigh in, I'd appreciate it. Though I'll be honest and say I'd really rather hear that this is awesome and fine and not a problem than the reverse (not to stack the deck or anything). I feel like bad news will be coming around the bend soon enough, so why hurry it before there's anything I can do.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Nothing to See Here, Folks; or, CD 21

I'm feeling completely disconnected from TTC right now-- and also to be honest, pretty disconnected from the blog/message-board world, too. I guess that's a good thing, if being active and engaged in our day-to-day lives is the ultimate goal. Lawyer Guy and I have been spending a lot of time together lately, hitting up movies (we saw The Kids Are All Right at a theater in Brooklyn where we sat next to a rather famous celebrity couple from our neighborhood), checking out new brunch spots, working on the apartment, exploring the neighborhood. I've been knee-deep in contractors for the past week (and for the week to come) as we make some needed home improvements (the subject of an upcoming blog post to be sure). I've been readying myself for our vacation next week and laying a major guilt trip over not getting enough writing done.

And meanwhile, I've been not ovulating. Not checking my cervical mucus. Not crying about it. Not particularly wanting to blog about it. Not googling about it.

I've been skipping my pre-natals and even forgetting to take my vitex. I suppose I'll ovulate eventually, maybe, probably. And I might even be before CD 28, which is the last day my CBEFM will be able to detect it. But if I don't...whatever. It's not like I would have gotten pregnant anyway.

The anniversary of the pregnancy is coming up, and that hurts if I let myself think about it. The RE appointment is coming up, and that's exciting if I let myself think about it. And there's always that teeny, tiny piece of me (maybe one of my finger joints? Or a toe bone? Or part of my inner ear?) that still thinks maybethiscouldbethemonth. So I'm pretty sure that I'll be back to hoping and tracking and obsessing and wishing and despairing soon enough.

But in the meantime...meh.