A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Step Right Up and Try Your Luck; or, Exhuming the Inbox

Searching through my e-mail inbox for specific communications with my gyno, I stumbled upon the following e-mail:

Dear Dr. XXXXXX,

I know that it can take a year for healthy couples to conceive, but I'm getting very worried that there's something wrong with my husband and me. It seems like everyone we know gets pregnant after one or two tries and that if it hasn't happened by now, there's some problem. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get my period in a few days, so we'll be on our 8th cycle.

Are there any tests we can do before the 12 month mark to rule out easily fixable problems, or do we have to wait until then to do anything? Is there any explanation that can account for why this is taking so long?

Secret Sloper

Ignore the tone of slight petulance and the laughable assumption that eight months is a hideously long time to try to conceive. I was young and stupid, what can I say. In fact, ignore most of this e-mail except for two things. 1) "I'm pretty sure I'm going to get my period in a few days, so we'll be on our 8th cycle," and 2) the date it was sent: Monday, October 12. One week to the day before I saw my first positive pregnancy test.

If you held a gun to my head right now and asked me to tell you my innermost thoughts on the state of my uterus, I'd...well, I'd think you have a freakishly intense interest in my fertility and I'd also recommend your gun license be taken away. But I'd say, "Pregnant."

Which I've thought before. And haven't been pregnant.

And if you'd held the gun to my head last night, I would have said, "Not Pregnant." Which, as the above evidence shows, I've also thought before. And have been pregnant.

All of which proves that I am once again a passenger on the amazing One Week Wait Loop-de-Loop. I've ridden this beast so many times I'm quite frankly sick of it. And yet I keep getting on. Doing the boob mash (a little tender, but no more than PMS normal). Scanning my complexion (totally normal, not surprisingly clear, not notably broken out). Analyzing my appetite (strong, like it always is before AF). I thought that experiencing pregnancy would make this part easier, but each month it's the same stupid guessing game. Roller coasters and How Many Candies in The Jar-- my life has become a third-rate Carnival, right down to the chintzy Hall of Mirrors. Look in this mirror, and a lack of cramps at 7 dpo becomes a positive sign! Look in this mirror, and it's AF's latest disguise!

I've got a testing date in mind. It's far enough out that reaching it will make the test a formality. I don't expect to get there. I'm stocked with enough red raspberry leaf tea for the next ten cycles and I just ordered a pair of expensive skinny jeans from Gilt Groupe on the off chance that Murphy has a say in this.

And back in line for the Cyclone I go.


  1. I really like the tempting Murphy with skinny jeans. That seems pretty foolproof. I can say that about half of the time I sort of know, and the other half I'd test on cd28. I'm sorry you are on the Zipper here. I'd feel better if someone would game that ride to let you win a huge teddybear. Not that anything short of a normal pregnancy is a consolation prize. It just feels like we ought to get something, no?

    I'm hoping that your cuurent conviction is true and that it's the start of a healthy many moons of gestation.

  2. Yeah, you totally can't know. This time I tested at 13dpo because I was planning on having a drink, and just wanted to be sure my conscience would be clear about it. And even today I feel basically about the same as I normally do, a couple of days before my period. And I'm still mashing my boobs!

    Anyways, won't it be nice to finally get this period of our lives behind us, one way or the other? Not that I am looking forward to menopause at all, but at least there'll be no question of the 2ww.

    Let's not even think about those lucky bitches who are like, "Oh, we are through having kids...." when they still have 8 or 14 reproductive years in front of them!

  3. I think having been there before makes that wait HARDER. Like you, there were cycles I was sure I was and wasn't, cycles I was sure I wasn't and was, and cycles where I was on the money, either way. Time messes with your head. It's slightly different boob pain but you forget just how different, hence the mashing away. (My husband has caught me doing it in public and told me that I need to stop).

    But I'm convinced that one of these times, it WILL be (whether predicted accurately or not).

  4. That's a pretty neat little item to find in the archive. I suppose it's mainly saddening, but if ever proof were needed that you can be pregnant with no symptoms, here we've got it! I hope you will find yourself kicked out of the Cyclone line in a few days...

  5. i think you should do s'more shopping of skinny/tight items bc then you'll get pregnant for sure. esp if what you buy is uber expensive. hmmm, perhaps i'll take my own advice. oh wait, i just did!!

    i hope the next week passes by very quickly for ya :o)

  6. I hope teasing McMurphy works! Symptoms (or lack thereof) are just confusing, just to entertain us some more during the 2ww, one could think.
    I'm curious about raspberry leaf tea though -- I thought that you were supposed to take it in the 2nd and 3rd trimester, but the 1st is unclear?