You know that voice that whispers to women trudging through infertility, "Maybe they're right"? The one that wonders if maybe she is too self-focused. Maybe she's obsessed with what she can't have instead of appreciating what she does. That maybe there are worse fates and worse pain and it's self-indulgent to elevate her struggle to their level. That maybe she's lost perspective and will come to regret the time "wasted" feeling sad all those years. That maybe she's just an unhappy person fixating on a baby as the solution to all her problems, and once (if) she gets that baby there will be something else to focus on as the source of future happiness-- a job, more money, a house, her body.
Was it only me who heard that voice? On the chance that one other person has felt this way and asked herself these questions, I'm here to say: ignore that voice. It's a liar.
My worst day as a mom is 100% better than my best day with infertility. Which is not to minimize the difficulty of parenting a baby. Yes, I am sometimes frustrated, often tired, always stressed, frequently harried, and occasionally bored. But underneath whatever momentary storm is shaking the emotional trees, there's a firm, steady bedrock of contentment keeping those roots firmly in place (and inspiring cheesy botanical metaphors, apparently).
I am happy. Not only happy all of the time. But ultimately and essentially happy.
I used to be sad. Not only sad all of the time. But ultimately and essentially sad.
One day your infertility journey will be over, whether through the birth of your child, through adoption, or through the decision to embrace a childfree life with your partner. There is an end in store. And you will rediscover that happy person you used to know, the one who seemed to vanish in the years of struggling. You'll sit down with her like the best of old friends, the kind who can pick up conversations after years apart without a break or pause.
You'll realize that you weren't selfish, obsessed, or broken. Infertility was all of those things. You were just holding on for the ride.
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
11 months ago