A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Don't Cry Over Spilt Wine; or, Choose Your Own Ending

Last cycle (cycle 4 post-miscarriage, for those counting), I made a decision. I decided I was taking a break. I was packing up Pissy and putting away the basal body thermometer and reclaiming my life and trying that hot new "just relax" technique that gets the kids all excited these days.

And then I cracked and went back to peeing on things. As you do.

This cycle, I made no pronouncements. I made no decisions. I made no declarations. Nope. I just forgot to refill my box of Pissy's peestrips. And lost my BBT at a hotel.

Look's like the break's on me.

* * *
I truly thought I was going to be fine on the m&m's due date last weekend. By this point, I understand that my first pregnancy was not meant to be, that something else lies in my future, that I've got to look forward rather than back. I greet every month with possibly misguided optimism, even if I don't always convey that here. And I don't even think to myself, "I wish I hadn't lost the baby" anymore, because I don't know who I would be right now if I hadn't lost the baby. Acceptance, right?

On Friday, Lawyer Guy and I had date night at a steakhouse before the welcome cocktail party back at the hotel. We had a great time and drank some wine and laughed together and I looked very pretty and all was well. Then we made our way to the hotel and met my friend the bride's family and her wedding party, and since I'd had pinot noir with the steak at dinner, I broke my 9-year streak of never ordering red wine at a party and got a glass of cabernet.

Fifteen minutes and one wildly gesticulating bridesmaid later, said glass of cabernet was empty and said cabernet was all over my hair, arm, chest, shoes, and the rather expensive, beaded, embroidery-embellished silk tunic I bought from a little one-of-a-kind shop on my trip to London last summer.

The bridesmaid felt terrible and frantically tried to find a 24-hour dry cleaner (none in Tampa, it appears), to dab the giant, blossoming stains with club soda, and to convince me it would come out when it was washed. But I knew the outfit was ruined (as indeed, it is) and was trying to hold it together until I could be alone. I didn't want her to feel worse about her accident than she already did.

After she left and I changed for bed, I pretty quickly began sobbing about my tunic, much to LG's dismay, and then somehow started keening "I miss the baby" over and over. The two things of course, as LG rightly pointed out, having nothing to do with one another. But in my mind, the fact that I was coated in cabernet rather than blood on the eve of my baby's due date had some deep three-in-the-morning kind of significance.

* * *
The break isn't quite as drastic as I made it out to be before. I had a few of Pissy's sticks left and was using one sporadically every few days, contrary to her methodical likings, as I waited for the new box to arrive. I took my temperature three or so times before losing the thermometer in Florida. And I added a new element to my already burgeoning pre-ovulatory routine: vitex (aka chasteberry root) in an herbal supplement, said to help regulate ovulation.

On Saturday, the due date, I went to the wedding. I wore my 30th-birthday purple petal dress. I danced to Madonna and Michael Jackson with my friends and Cole Porter and James Taylor with Lawyer Guy. I drank just enough and not too much. No one spilled anything on me. Everything that night was easy and happy and--yes--relaxed.

And then the next morning, with my very last peestick, Pissy gave me a Peak. On CD 16. About a week earlier than I expected.

* * *
This might turn out to be the ever-irritating story of The Accidental Break Cycle, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Got My BFP. This might turn out to be the amazing story of a Very Sad Day and Its Very Happy Ending. This might turn out to be your run-of-the-mill story of The Girl Who Spilled Wine on Her Tunic, Cried About It, Went To a Wedding, Woke Up the Next Morning, and Got Her Period Two Weeks Later.

As always, anxiously awaiting that last page.


  1. I'm anxiously awaiting your last page, too, Sloper. Here's hoping THIS is the month with the happy ending.

    Can I just tell you how excited I am that you are ovulating early this cycle? (That herb your taking is totally working its magic.) I feel like this is a great, great, great sign. Also, sweeeeet that you are already in the 2ww.

    PS Melting down at 3am in a hotel room after a ruined dress and some red vino is something I would do, too. The fact that you held everything together so beautifully on such a tragically complicated and emotional weekend is amazing. You are a rock star. I hope the 3am tears washed away a tiny bit of the pain.

  2. i opt for any of the endings except for the last one please!!! i can't believe you got wine allover what i'm sure is a very pretty tunic!! boohoo on that bridesmaid. i tend to reach into thin air to make correlations so random that i never cease to amaze my hubbs. let's just say we're imaginative.

    i'm glad you got through m&m's due date without having a fullscale breakdown or anything resembling one. your tears were bound to happen and were so normal. sending you big hugs. aside from the wine and m&m's due date, i hope the rest of the weekend was relaxing and a much needed good time :o)

  3. Um, ok, well first I apologize for sending things to pee on. I didn't mean to feed the obsession on a break cycle. I really just meant (in a moment of great selfishness) to get all the shit the hell out of my house. I hope the vitex making O time come (heh heh) earlier is the sign of good things! You never know...

  4. I just about cried reading about your top. :(
    I love the first ending too - it would make a great story!

  5. I would have burst into tears if someone spilled wine on me...good for you for holding it together. I'm sad for your pretty top :(
    But yay for ovulating early - that is a VERY good sign!

  6. *hugs* I'm sorry about M&M and your tunic. I am holding hope out for you though, even though you may not have it, I hold it in my heart for you and have my fingers crossed & will await news about two weeks from now. I will cry with your in joy or frustration. We're here every step of the way.

  7. Hooray for earlier O dates. I have been taking vitex too, and it moved my O day up to 15 last month- I am usually a 19-20 kind of girl. I was thrilled! Oh, and I am pulling for ending #1- we all are!

  8. I would have bawled on the spot. I know exactly how that feels and it sounds like you handled it with loads of grace. I want so much for you to have such an incredible story to kick off your tale. I am hoping with all toes and fingers crossed that this was the magic meltdown and ruined tunic.

    Otherwise, it sounds like a fab wedding and I am glad that you were able to make the best of it.

  9. I'll bust out the optimism for you, doll.

    Sorry about your dress and that shitty night of sobbing. I'm glad the rest went well, though!

  10. It's weird, but sometimes we need to spill a glass of red wine on ourselves to give us an excuse to let go. And by let go, I mean let go of our emotions. I firmly believe you needed that cry. Keeping those emotions inside of you wasn't helping anyone. I'm sorry your outfit was ruined, but I'm glad you were able to pour out those emotions in private, exactly how it should be.

    Anxiously awaiting the end to this story, and hopefully that it's a happy one.

  11. It's strange how interrelated seemingly unrelated things are. I can completely understand your reaction to the spilled wine and your poor tunic (any chance of putting it in a vat of wine at home and dyeing it a delightful, deep purple?).

    And it's a strange, eerie thing how our stories are constantly being written. But we can't see the endings from where we stand (so that it truly is a choose your ending type of thing). Hard to know where to put the significance, where to see significance, when so much can only be interpreted in retrospect. But I think the key is: it WILL be one of these times.

  12. I'm so psyched that you O'd so early this cycle-- go, body, go! (I never O'd before CD24.) Here's hoping those beautiful fresh eggs work their magic this month!! XOXO!