A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Bitch Stole My Bagel...Again!; or, Welcome to My Black Hole

Does my empty uterus emit high-pitched signals audible only to pregnant women when I'm PMSing? Is that why they like to announce their happy expectations to me right before I start my pre-period spotting? CAN I PLEASE HAVE ONE FUCKING MONTH WITHOUT HAVING TO ACT EXCITED ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S UTE FRUIT???

The faint brown spotting started today, 13 dpo. AF will start tomorrow. At least this is predictable. At least I didn't feed my stupid, pointless hopes by taking a pregnancy test.

Not so predictable was the email I got yesterday from the incoming co-chair of my Junior League committee entitled "News!" Oh, I definitely waited about an hour before opening it.

Sigh. Of course she's pregnant. Of course she's due on November 18th: the fucking anniversary of my d&c. Of course she's going to be giving birth and going on maternity leave right when I'm planning to take my oral exam and was counting on her to pick up the slack for me. Of course I'm going to have to carry the committee on my back all year, when I'm trying to become ABD (All But Dissertation, the last stage of the PhD process) AND when I'll most likely be undergoing fertility treatments.

And sure, she's a few years older than me, so maybe in one sense it's "her turn." But she WASN'T EVEN MARRIED YET when we started trying. In the sixteen months that we've managed to conceive one non-viable pregnancy, she was engaged, got married, went on a honeymoon, spent some time as a couple with her husband, got knocked up, and gestated to the point where she can announce it.

And now I have to work with her all summer while her fucking belly grows and arrange things to accommodate her pregnancy and I'm just pissed off about the whole situation.


Sorry about that.

The worst of it was the sound of the silence on the other end of the phone this morning when I told Lawyer Guy I started spotting. Just pure devastation. I thought it was hard back when I was the only one worried, the only one stressing, but this is 1000% worse. If Mr. I'm Not Going To Worry Until There's a Reason to Worry thinks we're doomed, we're really screwed. And I just feel so guilty. Especially because I know he's worried that this is his fault. Oh, this sucks from top to bottom.

It's not all bad, and I do know that. We booked the trip to Scandinavia last night-- seven days in Copenhagen and Stockholm in August. A last blast before we meet with the RE. And yesterday afternoon, FedEx delivered a package from my best friend, Doctor Lady--a beautiful bouquet of flowers to let me know that she's thinking of me as what would have been the m&m's due date approaches. I started to cry when I opened them, shocked that she remembered the month when I haven't spoken of it once since the miscarriage. I felt so alone, thinking I was the only person who remembered I could have had a baby in a few weeks, the only person on earth who still thought about my baby and grieved the life that he or she never got to live. I know how blessed I am to have a friend like this.

And I promise that I'll be okay tomorrow. I'll pick my spirits back up and start drinking my tea again and peeing on sticks and hoping that this will be the month. And I'll schedule some RE appointments and mark them in my calendar and hope that we'll get pregnant in the next two cycles and tell myself it's okay if we don't.

And I'll study and write papers and go to Father's Day dinner with my inlaws and help my parents move out of my childhood home and go to a Mets game with my husband and tell him every day how much I love him and walk my dog.

But right now, I need to revisit my friend, the sobbing bridesmaid:


  1. I am SO sorry. I must admit that your ginormous capital-lettered cursing spree made me laugh, though.

    Next month, next month.

    At least that's what I keep telling myself...


  2. I love the long line of swearing, its how I feel most of the
    time!!!!! your right though, it feels worse once the DH starts
    to feel the same sense of DOOM!

  3. Motherfuckingcocksuckerdonkeyballs! That is right there at number one thing you don't need right now, a new pregnancy announcement. I'm sorry Sloper. I'll be that loud, brassy friend and say a little too loud that she should shut her pie hole. I'm bummed that this looks like it's not the month, but I'm still hoping the bloody hag is not on the way. :(

    Yea! Scandanavia trip. It's going to be good to get a break from your lives. Also sounds like a chockers weekend, and I'm hoping that it's a nice one.

  4. PS. It was that name post of yours that got me thinking about how sad I'd become where we wouldn't even consider names anymore. The other thoughts were rolling around, but the whole name thing hit me. Thanks again for that.

  5. Fraaaaaaaaaaaaack. No no no no no.

    I am so sorry. I hate that she is pregnant. I hate that you have to watch her belly grow for the next six months. I hate that m&m's due date is approaching. I hate that you're seriously thinking about an RE. I hate that this wasn't your month. I hate ALL OF THIS.

    Here for you friend. Next month, next month, next month.

  6. I hate people. Really, I do.

    'Cept for your wonderful and thoughtful friend, who sounds like a true soul in sea of sh*theads that float around you.

    Keep bitchin,' honey, you ain't crazy, I assure you.

  7. I'm so sorry for the damn period and the damn pregnancy announcement...but what a sweet gesture from your friend and whoo hoo for a fab trip to Scandinavia with LG! Something to look forward to on the shitty days like today. XOXO

  8. Hey, you're down, so why not kick you a little, right?

    I'm sorry to hear this.

    But I'm also VERY happy for you that you have a friend like Doctor Lady. I'm completely jealous of this.

  9. Oh, I was cursing out your co-worker with you! I had a few other choice words to say, but I'll spare you... But how wonderful that you also have such a thoughtful friend. These small gestures are priceless. I hope you give yourself a little time to cry it out and then pick yourself up again. And sounds like you have some great things to look forward to, which is the only way one can attempt to move on from a BFN.

  10. Shit. The timing of this type of thing is just impeccable. It's like the universe has a homing device for disaster. And I understand how terrible it is that she is co-chair of your committee. Committee work blows as a general rule but having to pick up the slack for someone else is the pits.

    I am hoping that the universe gives you a break very, very soon. And the truth is that you may very well get pregnant this summer. And if you don't, the chances are very good that an RE is going to be able to help you with that (I see Dr. Chung at Cornell, by the way). You will not always be here, in this position. For today, though, BE annoyed. It is annoying. (But for what it's worth, you are a deeply talented curser).

  11. Wow, sloper. That is absolutely horrible!!!!!! That bitch! I fucking hate her.

    The universe is just SOOOO unfair right now!!!!!!!! Urgh. I definitely think you should suggest that she get someone else to step in as temporary co-chair while she is out with her baby. Because you don't deserve to take on her responsibilities in addition to all this other crap!!!


  12. Oh SS, I'm so sorry about all of it. It sucks, its not fair and nobody deserves any of this crap. Ugh, thinking of you. And wow, what an amazing friend to remember and send something no less. And with an awesome trip coming up you have some great stuff going on to get you through the tough days. Totally thinking of you hun, next month!!

  13. ugh, as i was reading this post, one of my close friends called my cell phone 3 x's in a row. didn't leave a message. if this is a pregnancy announcement, i'm gonna flip my $Hit.

    your bff sounds awesome. that is just sooo thoughtful of her to be thinking of you and i'm glad those flowers made me you smile. regarding your co-chair, is there any way you can take some time off in the future? are there others who can step in? hopefully you can avoid them entirely, but fertility treatments + stress is soo not my idea of a good time. what a selfish b*tch that she couldn't have timed her pregnancy better. annoyed for you.

    i'm sooo envious of your trip to scandinavia! you guys will have a blast and you deserve it!

  14. Sounds like you've got a truly special friend in Doctor Lady... a friend that good may not fix anything, but they can help dull the pain.

    And as scary as going to the RE and getting everything checked out is, the Professor and I both felt so much better for having information and a plan to put into action. I'm a "hope for the best, plan for the worst" sort of person, and it sounds like you are taking that same tactic.

    Go ahead and make that RE appt, but I hope you won't need it!

  15. I'm so sorry - so so so sorry. Just know we all have been there, done that and have the t-shirt. In other words - we feel your pain and will help you carry it.

    *hugs hugs hugs*