A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Patients and Patience; or, In Which I Become Yet Another Clomid Victim

I've been riding high the past week, so I suppose some sort of crash was inevitable. This crash is small and recent and nowhere in the vicinity of the dark, sad pit I felt trapped in for much of the summer. It's more of a go-kart upset than a 747 falling from the sky. Nevertheless, my exuberant optimism and hope of the past five days has definitely dwindled to a more depressing (and probably more realistic) level.

I have two follies developing on my right ovary, both at 14mm. Dr Wonderful said I was responding "perfectly" to the Clomid and that I will probably trigger at my next monitoring appointment on Sunday morning, IUI to follow on Monday (Tuesday at the very latest). This is all marching along quite swimmingly: Lawyer Guy has off on Monday for Columbus Day, so the IUI appointment will cause no problems at all if we can manage to do it then. And my experience with Clomid has been easy and uncomplicated. No mood swings, no hot flashes, no cysts (yet). Nothing but the occasional fleeting headache and a crampy twinge or two in my ovaries.

So what's the problem? you ask. Why have I gone from blissfully imagining bringing my twins (hello, two follies! Of course I'll have twins!) to my sister's wedding next summer to sighing on the subway as I contemplate starting this whole messy process over again next cycle?

In a word, I have fallen prey to the evil Lining-Devouring Monster that is Clomid. My beautiful 12-13 mm lining is only 5-something mm. I thought I was immune, but not even my overactive uterus can overcome Clomid's death rays. Sigh. Grumble. Moan.

I must point out that Dr. Wonderful did not appear at all concerned about my lining. She didn't mention it other than in an off-hand way as she was tallying up the stats during the ultrasound. In fact, I asked her about it after she finished the u/s and she gave me her opinion that, although Clomid does lead to thinner lining, it still increases the chance of pregnancy. Plus, I suppose there's a chance my lining could improve over the weekend with more red raspberry leaf tea. And there's the salient fact that all my months of perfect, plump, enviable lining did not get me pregnant, so who's to say something a little slimmer can't get the job done.

Still, it's a bit disheartening, especially to someone who's faced a lot more downs than ups in this babychase. I've resisted the urge to google anything about thin lining and pregnancy rates because I want to relinquish control over this to my doctor--that's why we're working with her, after all. It's just that it would be so amazing to be that lucky girl who gets pregnant on her first treatment, her first month of Clomid, and now I don't think it can happen.

Dr. Wonderful said to take a pregnancy test two weeks after the insemination. That will be the first hpt I've taken since last October. And, most likely, the first negative test I'll see since the last pre-pregnant one I took in June 2009. It's probably good that my hopes are tempered and my expectations diminished, given that I will need to pick myself up after seeing that one line.

Dr Wonderful said when she walked into the exam room that I won't be a patient of hers for long. But maybe to prepare me for disappointment, she told me before she left that I need to have patience during this process, because it will work for me even if it takes a little while. I said that patience is one thing I've learned over the past year, which are fairly grand words. I hope I can live up to them.

13 comments:

  1. sloper - my lining this time around was only 7.5mm's whereas, i was always 9+ in previous rounds. and oddly enough, the 1st two times, my lining jumped more than 2 mm's on more than occasion just in a single day. whereas this last cycle, i was at 6.8mm's on day 5, and 6 days later, i was only at 7.5mm. wtf, i was sooo pissed. in 2-3 days time, that sucker will plump up and you'll do great!!!! hang in there! xoxo.

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  2. Well, I had an embryo implant in my TUBE (at least that might be where it was), where there is no lining whatsoever. So, lining-schmining is what I say. I understand the need to take a step back and feel doubt at this point, though. You don't want to be too disappointed if this doesn't work the first time (although of course you will be very disappointed if it doesn't). But you want to protect yourself, it makes sense. I am glad everything is going so well, other than the lining (which I don't know jack shit about, and so I say if your RE isn't worried it's probably fine). Twin little slopers would be lovely...

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  3. Evening primrose oil seems to help (also helps with side effects from meds). You can get the pills at Whole Foods.

    Glad the timing is working out for you!

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  4. Many women (including 'ol Thin Lining Me on an occasion or two with injects!!) have lining grow 2mm per day once the follies take off. And fyi, Dr. Awesome told me anything 6mm or above is wonderful for implantation. I am SURE you will be there by Sunday. To put it in perspective, my best lining on Clomid was 3.2mm--at trigger time--thin lining indeed. So please don't go counting yourself out. Your follies and lining WILL be ready on Sunday, I have no doubts. xo

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  5. PS Actually, the one Clomid cycle where they added a daily estrogen supp, my lining got all the way up to 4.4mm (woo hoo!). But that cycle was cancelled due to no follies growing. My one and only successful cycle, my lining was 7.8mm on trigger day. You are within spitting distance of that, my friend! Zen zen zen zen.

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  6. Lining, shmining, I gotta agree with Lesley on this one. The doc isn't concerned so try not to be too worried.

    Wishing you beginners luck on your very first IUI - you've learned the lesson in patience, now it's time to go you twin slopers!

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  7. Wily freakin' Clomid. So glad you're not having any side effects, at least. And if Doc W is okay with your lining, why not go with it? Drink that tea!

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  8. Time to break out the POM.

    Seriously though, I wouldn't worry yet. Your lining could jump up at the last minute.

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  9. I have no doubt all will be perfect by Sunday! I know it's easier said than done, but try to stay calm and relaxed for this and not worry about your lining. You know you're in fantastic hands! I pray that this is all you ever need to do to have the baby (or babies!) of your dreams :). Good luck!!

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  10. I know how frustrated you must feel about the thin lining. And I think you're right NOT to google it. If the doc says it's good, go with it. And the other commenters are right that it is still fluffing as we speak, so you will likely have a thicker lining by the time of your IUI. Good luck!

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  11. I hate the your optimism for this cycle has disappeared but I love that Dr. Wonderful is MORE than making up for that. I love that she says such encouraging things to you-- I know that she wouldn't say it unless she meant it.

    Just like Egg said, lining can take off once those follies are ready, and I just know that they're going to look great in a matter of days.

    I'm waiting with bated breath to read each and every post, C.

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  12. I hate patience, and I hate having to nurse it. But I think Dr. Wonderful is on the money about this. I'm catching up so I've already read the good news about your lining bouncing back. I'm so glad, Sloper. This process is such a series of highs and lows - I don't think anybody is immune. But two follies is wonderful.

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  13. Oh, I'm glad to hear your Clomid side effects are sparse. It's nice not to have to deal with too many of those when you're already dealing with the mental fuck that is IF.

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