A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Fuck

You know what two incredibly faint, nearly-invisible-to-the-naked-eye lines on two hpts at 14 dpiui and 15 dpiui equal?

A beta of 12.5 At least this will be over soon.

Thanks for the hope and encouragement. I guess those who thought I'd get pregnant were right, in a way. And I guess I was right, too, in my pessimism. A win-win for everybody.

I'm okay right now. I mean, I'm not okay-- I hurt like hell and I'm sad and disappointed because I'd let myself hope too much and too soon, like always. But I don't feel like I lost a baby, not the way I did when the m&m died. I'm just a little tired of getting kicked down every time I think it's my turn.

Another beta on Friday to rule out ectopic (and on the 1/1 millionth of a chance that this fakakta situation turns itself around and we get a baby out of it. Ha!). A phone call from the RE to come to discuss what's next. Lawyer Guy's on his way home from work early. I wish I'd never dragged him into this mess by peeing on that stupid stick.

Let's end with some positives: The sperm can meet the egg; I've got a doctor who's going to figure out what the hell is wrong with us; I have almost run of out imaginary worst-case scenarios that can come true; I used up two more hpts from my 18-month-old stash before they expire in February (4 to go!); I'm getting drunk as shit tonight and canceling class tomorrow.

Oh, and I didn't go to the conference. Thank God right? I will never doubt my wimpy gut again.

29 comments:

  1. FUCK. So close. I'm so sorry, Sloper. But I know you're in great hands and success is right around the corner. Hang in there.

    xoxo

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  2. :( I'm so sorry. At least you know you CAN get pregnant... and hopefully the doc can figure out how to KEEP you pregnant for 9 months. This will happy for you!!!

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  3. I'm sorry you feel so low right now. You should head over to Mo and Will's website (they are on your blogroll) for a whole mess of low beta success stories (in the comments from the last week or so. Especially from Oct. 17th). Theirs included, so far. Please just wait till Friday after Beta to get drunk as shit.

    Good luck. I'm pulling for you.

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  4. I am so very sorry to hear this news. Hang in there, I know this is hard.

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  5. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK FUCK FUCK.

    Seriously? What a dagger in your poor broken heart. You've been through enough without this mind f-.

    And all of your positives are ridiculously positive. If you must cycle again—which I'm gathering your RE thinks you will even tho this is technically a positive Beta?—I'm seeing good good good things. And you'll ovulate even sooner b/c you won't be starting the meds on CD6 or 7 this time.

    This has become an annoying comment, and I don't mean it to be that way. All I want to say is FUCK. I'm so pissed you got so dang close. And ((((hugs)))). xo

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  6. I'm sorry, hon. It's okay to just pronounce it all a sucky sack of shit. It's okay to have a raging drinkfest this weekend if you feel like it.

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  7. shit. I am sorry. I know (truly, I do) how hard it is to be in limbo.

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  8. Oh no!!!! I don't know, sloper, I can't give up hope yet. Even though I know the odds are low. What a fucking mess! Now you have to wait for Friday... with little to no hope, but in that limbo of not knowing. It is just too awful. The good news, as you say, is that this will be over soon one way or the other... either you'll have doubling numbers on Friday or you will be moving on soon. I'm sorry this is such shitty in-between crap, and more waiting. It's truly awful and unfair.

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  9. Sloper, I am so, so sorry. You have been to hell and back. This is all such a shitastic journey, isn't it. The thing that has helped me is getting right back into the saddle right away with CD1 and cycling all over again. It always made the pain a little less brutal. And it gave me hope once again. Thinking of you. xo

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  10. What a perfectly titled post.

    FUCK.

    What a cruel joke to be so close and yet so far away. I hope that LG takes extra special care of you tonight and that you can comfort each other.

    Grieve this lost chance, but remember that Dr. Wonderfuk has a plan for you, and it WILL work.

    So much love to you.

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  11. Oh, honey, I am so, so sorry. That just plain sucks balls. But your positives? They're really positive! And so is your beta; don't call the game off yet. Sending hugs.

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  12. boohoo. am thinking of you. glad that you didn't go to the conference, cancelled class and that LG is coming home early to be with you. put yourself first and be extra nice to yourself. this sucks ass, but i have lots of confidence in dr wonderful to get the job done soon. thinking of you. xoxo.

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  13. Well, damn it all to hell. I'm sorry, Sloper:( And while I know it's not the same as losing M&M, it's still really shitty (though, I'm really hoping that you'll be one of those urban legends who start out with super low betas that then turn into perfectly healthy kids). If not, I think your doc should do a recurrent miscarriage panel. I had one done after my second loss and we learned a lot.

    Hugs to you. You're right to cancel class and to forgo that conference. I'm so very sorry.

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  14. Oh I was so sad to see this. I'm so sorry you're going through this! (((HUGS)))

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  15. Damn. Sloper, this is more than unfair. I'm just sorry. It's time for those positive tests and I know how discouraging it is to have such a low beta to start. I'm hoping that you get solid news on Friday and if this is a false start that it resolves quickly. My thoughts are with you.

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  16. Fuck is right. So frustrating. I'm so very sorry. I'm glad you're not stuck at a conference.

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  17. Fuck is right. I'm so sorry, sloper. This cycle was so very close and that gives me so much hope that this will work, for real, very soon.

    Hugs.

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  18. Double, triple, quadruple fuck. I'm so sad for you. Have fun getting drunk....it'll hopefully dull the pain for at least a little bit. Email me whenever you're ready...I've got good listening ears - or eyes, whatever.

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  19. Very frustrating, I had a chemical pregnancy in June/July, beta got never higher than 13. It was a hell of a week and lots of tears, somehow it hurt much much more that a BFN. Such a terrible tease. Hang in there. You can get pregnant and first treatment cycle somewhat worked, you just need to keep going.

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  20. Definitely fuck. This sucks and limbo sucks more.

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  21. Shit. I'm so sorry, Sloper. Thinking of you, darlin'...

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  22. What the fuck. I don't even know what to say. In a way, I don't want to say sorry, because that sucks. And I don't want to tell you to have hope, because I seriously want to fucking strangle people when they tell me that - so I assume you'd feel the same. It just fucking sucks all around. I love you, dear. That's all I can say. And I'm here.

    xoxo

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  23. I've never been in your shoes, but I have to imagine that getting a low beta like that is even worse than a straight out BFN. Like trying to grasp something that's just out of arm's reach. There is nothing I can say to make you feel even a little bit better, but I will say that I'm thinking of you, and hoping that day by day things will start to look a little brighter. Hang in there, be strong. Hugs.

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  24. I'm so sorry Sloper. I hope you and LG are off the disappointment carousel soon.

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  25. Oh, fuck!!! I am so sorry! There is a small chance that this could work out okay and I am hoping for that to come true! I know that our words can't really make you feel better, but know that there are lots of people thinking of you and sending good vibes your way so that you get through this. I really hope that you and LG get to grow your family ASAP!!!

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  26. Oh no! I'm so sorry about the in-between-numbers. Hope you get solid answers on Friday. Thinking of you.

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  27. Fuckity Fuck. Sorry. Thinking about you.

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  28. I am so sorry. I was rooting for you! Drink away!
    xoxo,
    Amy

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  29. It's so unfair. All of this shit. I'm so sorry, babe.

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