A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Okay, Except When I'm Not; or, 6dpiui

In my mind, I have already started the next cycle. I know I'm only 6 dpiui and I couldn't reasonably expect to have a clear sense one way or the other as to whether this worked or not, but sometimes you just know, right? I'm not sure how I would expect to feel if I were pregnant right now, but it's not like this. So I don't think I am.

And I would be okay with that--not thrilled, but okay, able to cling to Dr. Wonderful's confidence in our future chances and determination to get us to Destination Baby without any further delay--if not for...well, if not for any number of "not fors."

If not for the fact that I am leaving for a conference in Portland the day my period is due, meaning I have to decide whether to test the day before (in order to let my doctor know what's up before I leave) and see one of those BFNs I swore many, many, many months ago I would never let myself see again or wait and get the definitive proof that IUI #1 failed while alone and thousands of miles from home.

If not for the fact that I visited Clueless Preggo over the weekend, who is now Clueless Mommy, and sat there cuddling her sweet baby girl and wishing so heartily that things could be different.

If not for the fact that my best friend, Doctor Lady, is planning on starting to try for Baby #2, like, tomorrow, and I both want her to have an easy time of it and know I will resent her, just a little, for getting so quickly what has been such a struggle for us.

If not for the fact that Safely Married Friend--the one who insisted over and over that children were a long way off in her future--just took the infamous Last Big Trip with her husband and confided that they will start trying in January.

Is it so wrong that I want, desperately and with a jealous fervor that I thought I'd left behind in junior high, to get pregnant before ONE of my friends? To beat ONE person to the punch? To not be lapped by EVERYONE I know? To get to announce my own pregnancy to ONE person who won't be able to look at me with a been-there-done-that-got-the-nursing-bra-to-prove-it smile?

It is. It's stupid. It's meaningless, and I know that. I just hate watching the time slip away, whether measured in calendar months (2.5 left in 2010, that year I had such high hopes for) or in the size of my friend's bellies or in the numbers of children smiling from the Christmas cards that are due to start rolling in any day now.

Dr. Wonderful said these treatments will work, but we have to be a little patient. And I'm good with patience when it's just me in my house with my dog and Lawyer Guy, a stack of nineteenth-century novels to read and some trashy television to watch. But even after all these months (nearly twenty of them) of practice, I find patience in short supply when I step outside my door.


  1. I think you should start working on your holiday card NOW! Come up with a fabulous photo that you will include, or begin drafting the note that talks about all of the exotic places you visited and the amazing times you had with Lawyer Guy while there. Seriously, it will annoy the crap out of those who are homebound with babies - they will be jealous that you are getting out and about, and drinking, et al. Seriously, trust me on this.

    In the meantime . . . can you plan for something to console yourself with on the trip - like a massage or predicure at the hotel - in case it becomes necessary? Just trying to think ahead for you.

  2. From 6dpiui to 12dpiui are THE. WORST. It's when hampster brain sets in and all you can think is that it didn't work and here are all the reasons why. I feel you. Deeply. It's so hard to just say, "Go read a book" or "Exercise more" or do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get your mind off the end result. But the truth is, it's so damn difficult. You will get there. I know it. I just feel it that this is the one for you.

    As for POAS before you leave or waiting for AF, I choose the latter. In fact, this time, I'm either going to temp all the way through or wait it out. But never, ever again will I POAS until I get a positive beta. I can't bear to look at it ever again. I think you feel the same way.

    Hang in there, You're so, so close :).

  3. The cool thing about this is that it doesn't matter how much you believe it won't work, or how utterly perfect it would be if it did work for a zillion reasons and you're sure that's going to jinx it. It can work anyway. Hang in there my friend. I have a ridiculous amount of hope for you. And that won't jinx you either, so no worries. xo

  4. Oh, the holiday cards...N and I have been doing one with a photo of our dogs for the last several years, and we were hoping to do one this year with the pups and my belly. But there's not much going on in my belly right at the moment, so it wouldn't make much of a photo. Sigh. Anyway...I hope your assumptions are all wrong and there's a babe-in-training in there right at this very moment.

  5. Yup, 6-7 days post IUI or ovulation are always the crossover for me. From calm and optimistic to something else entirely. But as someone says above, it doesn't matter how much you think or feel it didn't work, it can work anyway. And the opposite too. I was convinced my 2nd IUI had worked, it hadn't. I was so sure I wasn't pregnant this time last week and I was. And having to make this decision about when to test based on your trip must be so hard. I really think Dr. Wonderful is going to make it happen for you Sloper.

  6. Long time lurker here. I just wanted to write in and say I know where you are coming from with your fertile friends. Boy do I know. But I also want to assure you that when you do get pregnant with that sticky baby, you will not care one bit if you get lapped five times by all of your friends. Because that will be the child you were always meant to have and all of the hell you've gone through to get to him or her will have been worth it. I wish you luck with this cycle. 6dpiui is a long way from being out of the game.

  7. ya know, i pride myself on being one of those ppl who are *super* intune with my body. during my 2ww, there were days when i would've bet our life savings that we were 200% pregnant, and other days where i 200% did NOT feel pregnant. it made me crazee waffling between the two, and i started getting so confused, bc usually i know exactly what's going on. so, like egg said. you don't have to think or feel it for it to be true!! this completely sucks about all your friends. i wish your bff no ill will, but i really hope you can get pregnant before her. to be lapped sucks, and it's no fun esp when comes so easily to the other person. this is the worst part of the 2ww, when all the doubts creep in. i'm gonna *will* the time to go by faster for you. you are soo close! xoxo.

  8. Sometimes you know and other times you don't have a freakin' clue. ;) I KNEW this was a girl... only I didn't have one I-O-TA that I might be pregnant. I was approximately 21dpo and didn't feel quite right so I decided to test. And I didn't even believe the positive, so I immediately peed on another stick. At 21dpo, even that was positive. And later that night, I took yet another test because I still didn't believe it.

    Don't discount it yet. Goodness knows I would've argued with anyone who would've even suggested I might be pregnant.

    Lots of good vibes going your way.

  9. The second half of the 2ww is definitely the worst. I actually think the 1ww should be in a category all of its own. I know it seems like everyone says this, but I most definitely did NOT feel pregnant on our successful cycle. It felt just like any other cycle....AND I spotted a few days before my period was due, just like every other cycle.

    Hang in there Sloper!

  10. It's not silly or ridiculous. Please don't feel that way. You certainly can't help how you feel and given the circumstances, it makes perfect sense. Why does it come some easily for some and seem impossible for others?

    I could be going out on a limb here, but I think when you're in the field of education, it's difficult for us especially. That might sound dumb, but I came to the realization that if it's our job to help others to understand things all day, well...we are the least able to cope with things that we don't understand.


  11. Totally know how you feel on the competing with your friends front. I think its perfectly natural, but it's also no fun. I hope you get to beat at least one of them to a baby :). It's so hard, whatever the situation, not to compare ourselves to others. Good luck with the rest of the 2ww--that's always tough but here's to good news at the end of it!

  12. there are so many of your posts that I read and I think I just get that. The friend thing in particular. I just want for once to be the one that gets to announce her FIRST pregnancy. The last week of a TWW is awful but you have done so well for now keep up the good work.

  13. i know what you mean with your friends - it's so frustrating to watch them effortlessly achieve what we have fighting for for so long. I hope that you're announcing your pregnancy very, very soon.

  14. Patience is very tough to have, especially when friend after friend is able to share their happy news, gets knocked up with about as much effort as it takes to tie one's shoelaces, and even move onto #2.

    Your time will come, Sloper. It will.

    I'm keeping fingers crossed for you that this is your month, and that in a few short weeks you get to be the one with happy news to share.

  15. In theory I am totally against testing early. But then, in the throes of the 2ww, I always think that I am really only against it because it’s always been negative. And that little bitty sliver of hope weasels its way in and I cave. I’m on progesterone suppositories so there’s no hope of just waiting for my period, either. I’m not sure what I’d do in your case. I’d be inclined to really try hard to wait because I think hopeful is easier than recently totally bummed out…

  16. Oh, how I understand this...

    I am losing my patience, too. It's so hard to be lapped by pretty much everyone in your life. It's hard to hear people say, "I think we're going to try soon" with such assuredness and then watch them actually GET what they want, like it's the easiest thing in the world. I don't know what to say to make you feel better because, honestly, I feel horrible too.

    I'm here, though, and I understand. Sometimes that's good to know.

  17. Hang in there SS!! I like many above can say that my pregnancy cycles I felt the exact same as my non-preggo ones. Nothing changed at all, especially since I get sore boobs when I'm getting my period so I couldn't even rely on that. The only way I knew it was different was the positive on the stick. So keep on truckin my friend, this last week of waiting is truly the worst...so try to keep busy. Lots of good trashy reality tv on right now ;)!

  18. Have i told you yet that you are an awesome writer? You are! I feel like I slip right into your mind with your posts.

    Isn't it strange that "trying" news is frustrating just like pregnancy news and birth news? It's like the anticipation of the pregnancy announcement is just as bad as the pregnancy itself and there is also the jealousy of someone naively enjoying trying for a baby and planning their family like we thought we would get to do.


  19. It's not stupid, it's not meaningless and you have every right to feel jealous. It's NOT FAIR how long this has taken and how hard it's been for you, while it came so easily for others. I can't imagine that you would feel anything other than jealous!!

    I have so much hope for you this cycle. And just to echo Type A, not only did I not have a clue that I was pregnant the cycle that actually worked, but I would have sworn that I wasn't. Here's hoping you're so very very wrong.