A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Odds and Ends; or, The End is Nigh

A few thoughts rattling around in my head this morning:

- Thank you for all your comments, tweets, and e-mails these past few days. I feel like you are holding me up right now and it's incredible--I wish I had known all of you and had this level of support last fall. Your encouraging stories and examples really help, and when you tell me that you have hope for me it helps me have hope for myself.

- I rested a lot yesterday, watched some junk tv (the Giuliana and Bill miscarriage episode--such tears! Yet it was cathartic rather than upsetting), read your comments, and took a very long nap. I gave myself permission to not do anything or be anything other than sad and miserable and mopey. By the evening I was feeling good enough to laugh, so I'm glad I gave myself this time off.

I also read this post by Basic Girl from her post-IUI chemical last February. I was so amazed by her spirit and optimism in that post and by her refusal to submit to hopelessness in a very similar situation to mine--one miscarriage on their own; then nothing; then IUIs. And of course, she's very pregnant now after their first IVF attempt! It made me reevaluate my response to this process, my constant doom and gloom, my overwhelming negativity. I'm going to try to be positive next cycle--not tell myself that I'll get a sticky BFP, but also not tell myself that it won't and can't work. I'll just reassure myself that there's a chance and that we've done all we can.

- This morning, that optimism was sorely tested when I woke up at 5 am with some very dark fears for company. I lay there wondering how many more losses I will be able to handle, and I decided that I can take several more chemical pregnancies but only one more miscarriage of a clinical pregnancy. (I know, this is insanity. Who thinks like this?) I decided that if we have another miscarriage at 7 or 8 weeks I'm putting TTC on hold and pursuing adoption, because I will be tapped out.

Then again, if you had asked me this time last year how many miscarriages or chemical pregnancies I could handle, I would have shouted "None!" and stuck my fingers in my ears and sang to myself to keep from hearing you. This is clearly a moving target.

But those kinds of thoughts are so unproductive and I really don't want to be beset by them any longer. I know I will be in a panic as soon as I get another positive pregnancy test, but I'm going to work on putting that anxiety out of my mind until we get there. And who knows how long that will take.

- I'm heading into Manhattan for my second betas soon. And I finally started spotting this morning. I'm glad, in a strange not-very-glad way. I want this to be over so we can move on and I don't want to take any drugs to end this or have worry about an ectopic or have to wait around for days and days and days hoping my body gets it's act together. Let's just chalk this one up to experience and give the next one a serious shot.

- We have no plans for Halloween this year, but staring at myself in the mirror yesterday I suddenly had a brilliant brainstorm for the BEST Halloween costume ever. Picture this:

A large burlap bag with leg holes cut in the bottom and arm holes cut in the side. I tie the opening around my neck with twine and write the letters S-A-D on the front.

Get it??? A sad sack!!!

Conversely I could always just go out looking like myself.

- And finally, I want to share a picture that Lawyer Guy snapped with his phone on Wednesday after he got home from work. We had cried a bunch and asked ourselves why this was happening and hated this dreadful burden we've been asked to bear. And then around 5:30 he took our pup Bella for a walk and saw this in the sky:

Isn't it incredible? I can't help thinking of Noah and the flood and God's sending a rainbow as his promise to never drown us all again. I know it's just water and sunlight and atmosphere and the right angle, but I can't help but pretend that it's a message from our baby to let us know that he or she is coming if we can just hold on a little longer.


  1. I'm just catching up on posts and am so sorry to hear about your chemical. Taking a day for yourself to grieve is smart. I think of this chemical as a good sign. You can get pregnant! You don't have to do IVF! We are often stronger than we believe. I have one friend who suffered SIX miscarriages....one after another...and finally managed to conceive her beautiful 2nd child.

  2. Hang in there. This must be so hard.
    I hope the rainbow is a sign for good things to come soon.

  3. First, (((hugs)))

    Second, I think like that. To me, being ready to TTC again meant being ready to m/c again. Because TTC is a risk, and I have to be strong enough to at least face the worst-scenario outcome without, well, completely giving into the dark thoughts.

    Third, the rainbow speaks volumes. More ((hugs))

  4. I think that if you feel you could handle one miscarriage right now, you are in a good place to be starting your fresh cycle. I know it's a gruesome way to think, but I think it is very important to consider and be honest with yourself what you could handle.

    That said, you know chances are excellent that you will be pregnant soon, and with a sticky baby. Dr. Wonderful won't let it be any other way. Your sad sack costume is sort of funny in a dark way-- I agree, it's best to just mock (and then ignore) halloween at a time like this.

  5. I totally "get" what you are saying . . . after my last m/c I knew I could not handle another, that I was "done." It took too much for me to pick myself back up and crawl my way back towards anything resembling a functioning human being.

    After Lil Pumpkin's adoption (which saved us, in so many ways), and I became pregnant again, I of course did not want to have a 4th m/c, but I knew that if I did, this time I had to go on . . . for Lil Pumpkin's sake. Randomly (as I believe all of this is), I did not have to "go on" since Peanut stuck around and was born early but healthy.

    If you want to be a parent, you WILL be a parent. The end result may not be the way you imagined, but there are rainbows everywhere, and you can get yours.


  6. I think anyone that's experienced a loss thinks like that. I know I did. If you would have asked me this time last year if I could handle a miscarriage and an ectopic on top of the two (possible - twice I got two very faint +s on HPTs and my period was 3-4 days late, but never confirmed at the docs) chemical pregnancies I had already experienced, I would have said no and likely never set foot in an RE's office. It's such a moving target, and after each loss when I reconsidered, wondering what would have happened if I kept going if I were to quit always motivated me to keep on keeping on.

    I know at some point, for everyone would reach the point of enough is enough. I've read a few blogs and thought to myself, how does this woman do it? How can she keep going when she's been through so much? It's such a moving target...we're always adapting to the shit we've been dealt on this journey and we keep trying because it's better than quitting.

    I was amazed by Basic Girl's positive attitude and determination after her miscarriage and chemicals. She was so upbeat, it was inspiring to read her words and watch her carry on. It's inspiring to watch you grow and carry on through way more shit than you should have to deal with. Good things are coming for you, Sloper, I really think they are.

    Sending you lots of hugs.

  7. I absolutely love this last part about the rainbow, Sloper! About a month ago DH and I saw a rainbow like this after I found out I was benched this cycle. I made him make a wish on it even though I know that's not what you do with rainbows. You thoughts on your rainbow make me smile and hopeful and optimistic that this shitastic journey we're both on will come to an end soon. Hugs to you. xo

  8. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think after a BFN we have to protect ourselves and brace ourselves for further disappointment. I know sometimes it feels like the sadness will never lift. But it will...and I love your picture of the beautiful rainbow. How can you not hold onto hope with beauty like that?
    Thinking of you.

  9. i love that LG saw this rainbow. seriously, how many rainbows do we really see? this one is telling you guys to hang in. there will be a baby at the end of the rainbow for you guys. i hope it gave you guys some more hope for future cycles. and for right now, i hope you guys are eating drinking to your hearts content :o)

  10. What a wonderful sign of hope with that rainbow. I hope it means bright events are right around the corner for you. I just wish you weren't experiencing the gray clouds of the moment. Thinking of you and LG during this time.

  11. I've definitely considered how many losses I could handle before I would move onto adoption. I think you're completely normal in that aspect. After you've gone through one, it's always in the back of your mind.

  12. I know that it all seems daunting at the moment and I know it's also hard to not think about the next miscarriage after you have just had your second, but odds are really good that there won't be another one. I am hopeful that this resolves quickly and you'll be back starting fresh with a new plan and protocol in place.

    You are handling this really well, Sloper and my thoughts are with you and LG.

  13. I'm crying.

    Your baby IS coming if you can just hold on a little longer. I know it.

    God, I love you, girl. XOXO.

  14. Many (((hugs))). Your attitude through all of this is amazing, too.

    Love the halloween idea.

  15. Ditto Stef, I believe with my whole heart you are so very very very close to your baby, Sloper. I don't know how I would feel in your situation, I can't even imagine. Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad and heartbroken by the chemical tho....you can't control how you feel and this is serious, intense, emotionally draining crap you're going through. I do remember Basic Girl's amazing resilience and positive attitude that she was getting closer and closer. My greatest wish is that you can continue to channel a bit of that hope. It sounds like you and LG have already captured a it with that rainbow. You have a pretty f-ing awesome attitude yourself, dear friend. Thinking of you. xoxo

  16. Hey hun, just trying to catch up here in AZ. First I'm so so sorry about the chemical, its so unfair and I know how much it hurts to come so close. And thank you for the super sweet comment, but also know that its highly likely after getting the call I threw my sobbing self into bed repeating why me. Did I really have to add a new loss to my ticker, ugh...it just sucks. So don't beat yourself up at all over being sad, or letting your fears creep in. We're only human, and there's only so much we can take ya know.

    But being in a very similar situation as you, months of trying post miscarriage and nothing, I did find it strangely hopeful that a chemical meant things were trying to happen. I think I almost needed the chemical to keep fighting or something. And I have every hope in the world for you too SS, especially after your first IUI. I think your RE sounds awesome, and you will end this with a sticky BFP!! Just know we're all out here hoping with you, rooting you on. And i love that rainbow pic. We saw the most beautiful one during our IUIs and I kept it as my phone screen saver until we got preggers, to remind myself just that...good things are coming! Hang in there SS, thinking of you!!

  17. I'm so very sorry about your last miscarriage and this chemical pregnancy. None of us who have gone through a loss are prepared for how horrible it is. Like my mom put it, you go into this process with stars in your eyes, and then, wham.

    But all of us here are strong people, we can take a lot without breaking. I just hope none of us ever have to realize that even our strength has limits!!

    Its a very good thing you are getting tested- its just a few vials of blood and few 1000 $$ insurance has to fork up, but its so worth it, even if nothing shows up.

  18. I'm glad you're feeling hopeful Sloper. That's a feeling that's in short supply in our little corner of the world these days.

  19. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you aren't letting it crush you. There is a chance and we are doing everything we can. I really needed to see that today.

    Thank you for that.

  20. Beautiful photo. And I teared up thinking of your husband taking that picture and bringing it back to you. It's true, thank goodness: after the rain, the sun.

    The threshold of how much to take - only you can say. But the good thing is that you don't need to decide things now. In fact, give yourself as much leeway as possible to defer decisions to a later date. And the odds (cold comfort at this moment, I know) are still overwhelmingly on your side that you won't be here again. I hope not, Sloper. Hugs to you.

  21. so so sorry, I really am. I just read this post and caught up to everything that was going on. I can't imagine what your going through but I am happy to read that you are being held up with support and pushing on.

    This summer my little cousin died in a car crash, the day of her wake a HUGE double rainbow formed in the sky...no one will ever tell me it was just water and atmosphere. Take it for the sign that it was, I will pray that the floods will never come again.

  22. Big hugs, friend. You are always in my thoughts and I care so much about you. It is good to hear you are feeling better and have a new outlook. I am always here for you.

  23. Hang in there! I love the picture and what you see in it. :)