A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Ladies and Gentleman, We Have Insemination; or, Blueballs and Wee-Wee Pads

Finally, I get a chance to discuss this morning's IUI with all of you, and the first thing I have to say is: Ow!

I mean really, why did none of you tell me how much that catheter hurts going in? Lawyer Guy said he could tell how surprised I was by the pain because I was talking and laughing with him and then all of a sudden my eyes bugged out like Bella's when the vet sticks a thermometer up her butt. That was not the most fun way to spend a morning, for sure. But I'm feeling okay now even after having to stay on my feet teaching for the rest of the day, and I'm sure these last few cramps will go away by tomorrow morning.

And the important thing is, I've got spermies all up in my ute! Good ones, too, I think. DH's count was 35 million and motility was 60%. We don't know the morph numbers, unfortunately (they weren't on the sheet), but I am not going to let that keep me from thinking POSITIVELY about those results. Positive, positive, positive.

Now that the procedure is done and everything went the way it was supposed to, I can tell you about those wrenches I alluded to yesterday. I didn't want to dwell on them when I was still worried about how truly wrenchy they might become, but with the benefit of hindsight they have gained in humorousness.

So yesterday post-monitoring, as I'm sitting outside the bloodwork area waiting to get my trigger shot, LG pulls me aside and tells me that he needs to confess something. Immediately I freeze, terrified about what he's going to say. He goes on to explain that:

In an agony of anxiety about having to produce his sample for the IUI, he started "priming the pump" several days before, hoping to build things up to such a state that finishing on demand on Tuesday would be easy. But he did too good a job and had to pull back on Saturday at the very last minute, leaving him in an agony of blueballs for the next three days. He said he couldn't sit, he could barely walk around, he was so uncomfortable he wanted to cry. He also confessed that he let out a teeny bit on Sunday to try to relieve the agony, which helped for a few hours but not as long as he thought it would. He was also terrified that he had ruined the sample by that moment of release.

It was tough. He kept berating himself, saying "This is all my fault. I fucked everything up," and I was both crying at the thought that he was going to have to relieve himself yesterday and not abstain long enough and laughing at the complete absurdity of the situation. I was glad that he told me about this (because he was acting super distant and weird for the days before and I didn't understand why), but we agreed not to talk about it too much for the rest of the night, so he could try to think about other things and I could avoid becoming insanely anxious.

Thankfully, after some hairy moments, he managed to keep it in his pants until we got to the clinic this morning, when he produced said excellent sample. Crisis averted, much laughter ensured.

In fact, I was laughing all over the place in what was probably a semi-hysterical reaction to the stress of it all. As we were waiting in the exam room for the insemination, LG reminded me that it is his brother's birthday and that I should send him an e-mail. I whipped out my blackberry to do so and just collapsed with the giggles. There is no freaking way I could e-mail my crazy brother-in-law while sitting skirt-less, tights-less, and panty-less in a hospital exam room waiting for a pair of nurses to snake a catheter through my whooha and inject me with my husband's pre-prepared, Pepto Bismal-pink sperm. No. Way.

So I laughed and laughed and kind of couldn't stop laughing and then started to cry and then started to laugh again and then the nurses came in and I held LG's hand while they did their thang.

And now comes the worst part. The waiting. It's all so strange: as much as I hope and pray that this was our lucky shot, I can't believe that it will be. Not only because we have not been first-time-lucky even once during this process (first month TTC: a bust; first pregnancy: a disaster), but also because that is not how babies are made. No one ever said making a baby would involve sitting on a Wee-Wee Pad while strange women poked sharp sticks at my cervix. It's just...it doesn't compute.

How the hell am I going to last the next two weeks?


  1. Oh my God, that is so so so funny!!!! BUT also Brilliant! Good job, LG, of figuring out probably the best way to actually get aroused in a clinic and while under pressure to perform. Now I REALLY hope you guys don't have to do this again next month (and so does LG). :)

    I'm waiting with you... anxiously. The third time is the charm for the first time to be the charm, if that makes any sense...

  2. I am sooooo sorry it was painful for you. I had four IUIs and one of them was slightly crampy, but the others were fairly easy. I guess everyone is different, but sorry if I gave you false confidence!

    So great that LG's sample is superb - things are looking very, very good for you.

    Poor LG - reminds me that our poor hubs put up with a lot through this process as well.

    Hang in there the next two weeks - it's tough, really tough, but you can do it. The key is LOTS of distractions!!

  3. I am sorry that you were in pain. I am so happy you were able to do the IUI. BEST of luck and hope you keep yourself positive and busy for the 2 weeks. Thinking of you...

  4. I'm sorry the procedure was painful. I hope the 2WW goes by quickly, especially with something to chuckle about. :)

  5. Ohhh thank you for this awesome post! I LOLed, I cried... okay I didn't cry, but I did LOL. :)

    As to how to make it through this 2ww - maybe you need a blog project? I have no idea what, though...

    Anyway, woohoo! Congrats on making it through the IUI, and GOOD LUCK! Keep thinking positive!!!

  6. LG's numbers were so great!! 35 mill is above average. Your poor DH was upset over nothing.

    Sorry the IUI hurt you. I hope it will be worth it!! Thinking good thoughts for you.

  7. I hope this 2WW passes quickly. That was always the worst part for me... the not KNOWING and not DOING used to drive me crazy.

  8. Yay for quality sperm in the ute! That bit about the blue balls is pretty damn funny though.

    My cervix is such that the catheter insertion is very much an "ow" experience for me also. And as for getting through the next two weeks, don't have any words of wisdom. It's torturous no matter what, but I'm hoping there's wonderful news on the other end of it for you.

  9. LMFAO!!! Oh my WORD, that is priceless!

    I'm sorry the IUI hurt -- mine didn't, at all. I mean, it wasn't, like, pleasureable, but it didn't hurt.

    Fingers crossed that THIS is your lucky "first time."

  10. I only had one yucky-ish IUI (the one that WORKED) so I have high hopes for you. As for "how babies are made." Well, the fairy tale is a lot better, but sadly we are all willing to smash our dreams because of the bigger dream. Have lots and lots of sex because you can always say THAT was how your baby was made, IUI or no.

    And keep laughing. :) That is great medicine. Ohhhh, what a wild ride.


  11. I know. It's WEIRD. And, believe me, even going through it a few times does not take away from the overall weirdness. I'm sorry it hurt. The weird thing is that sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't (for me, anyway). And sometimes...yowza. And your poor husband - it's a hell of a lot of pressure (the stress, I mean:)

  12. OMG, they turn it Pepto pink?? What on earth do they put in it?

  13. I'm so sorry the IUI was painful. For what it's worth -- I've had a mixed bag of IUIs. Half have caused severe cramping when the RE put the catheter in. Cramping that didn't go away until I was finally able to lie down later in the day. But, half have had no pain at all. I think it really depends on who does it and how carefully they approach your cervix.

  14. hmm, my transfer was a little uncomfy both times, but i thought it was bc i have a stubborn cervix that won't open up. didn't think it really happened to others during their iui's/transfers. glad that it's OVER WITH now and you can relax. somewhat, at least. i'm very amused that LG tried to prime the pump before hand. dh did something like that before one of his SA's and his case of blue balls was pretty bad and uncomfy, to say the least. but live and learn, right? i doubt LG will even touch the pump going forward in advance of them needing his sample :o)

    i hope you have lots to do to pass the time in the next 2 weeks?? hang in there! xoxo.

  15. LOL - this was a great post. I'll bee thinking about you these next two weeks!

  16. Oh you're poor husband... I DO feel bad for our guys when they're asked to produce on the spot like that. I can't imagine I would take that kind of direction very well either.

    I'm sorry your IUI was painful, doll. Mine wasn't bad at all. However, I'd had that extremely painful HSG before, so that may have desensitized the area a bit.

    I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you WILL be lucky on the first try. It could happen!

  17. I'm sorry about the pain, for both of you. But the laughter part sounds good. Fingers crossed that this is how babies are made for you!

  18. I am SO excited for you! I hate that it was uncomfy--yeah, it's never a pleasant experience these IUIs, but I HOPE this is the ONLY time you ever need to go through it! And laughter is so healthy and good in times like this. That's why I love my DH so much--he keeps it light during times like this. Wishin' and prayin' for ya :). xo