Patients and Patience; or, In Which I Become Yet Another Clomid Victim

I've been riding high the past week, so I suppose some sort of crash was inevitable. This crash is small and recent and nowhere in the vicinity of the dark, sad pit I felt trapped in for much of the summer. It's more of a go-kart upset than a 747 falling from the sky. Nevertheless, my exuberant optimism and hope of the past five days has definitely dwindled to a more depressing (and probably more realistic) level.

I have two follies developing on my right ovary, both at 14mm. Dr Wonderful said I was responding "perfectly" to the Clomid and that I will probably trigger at my next monitoring appointment on Sunday morning, IUI to follow on Monday (Tuesday at the very latest). This is all marching along quite swimmingly: Lawyer Guy has off on Monday for Columbus Day, so the IUI appointment will cause no problems at all if we can manage to do it then. And my experience with Clomid has been easy and uncomplicated. No mood swings, no hot flashes, no cysts (yet). Nothing but the occasional fleeting headache and a crampy twinge or two in my ovaries.

So what's the problem? you ask. Why have I gone from blissfully imagining bringing my twins (hello, two follies! Of course I'll have twins!) to my sister's wedding next summer to sighing on the subway as I contemplate starting this whole messy process over again next cycle?

In a word, I have fallen prey to the evil Lining-Devouring Monster that is Clomid. My beautiful 12-13 mm lining is only 5-something mm. I thought I was immune, but not even my overactive uterus can overcome Clomid's death rays. Sigh. Grumble. Moan.

I must point out that Dr. Wonderful did not appear at all concerned about my lining. She didn't mention it other than in an off-hand way as she was tallying up the stats during the ultrasound. In fact, I asked her about it after she finished the u/s and she gave me her opinion that, although Clomid does lead to thinner lining, it still increases the chance of pregnancy. Plus, I suppose there's a chance my lining could improve over the weekend with more red raspberry leaf tea. And there's the salient fact that all my months of perfect, plump, enviable lining did not get me pregnant, so who's to say something a little slimmer can't get the job done.

Still, it's a bit disheartening, especially to someone who's faced a lot more downs than ups in this babychase. I've resisted the urge to google anything about thin lining and pregnancy rates because I want to relinquish control over this to my doctor--that's why we're working with her, after all. It's just that it would be so amazing to be that lucky girl who gets pregnant on her first treatment, her first month of Clomid, and now I don't think it can happen.

Dr. Wonderful said to take a pregnancy test two weeks after the insemination. That will be the first hpt I've taken since last October. And, most likely, the first negative test I'll see since the last pre-pregnant one I took in June 2009. It's probably good that my hopes are tempered and my expectations diminished, given that I will need to pick myself up after seeing that one line.

Dr Wonderful said when she walked into the exam room that I won't be a patient of hers for long. But maybe to prepare me for disappointment, she told me before she left that I need to have patience during this process, because it will work for me even if it takes a little while. I said that patience is one thing I've learned over the past year, which are fairly grand words. I hope I can live up to them.