A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A Weekend Away; or, AF Right Around the Corner

Some bloggers can disappear for four days without feeling like they've abandoned their legions (hear me? LEGIONS) of fans, but not me. I have been terribly worried that you're all wondering: Where's Sloper? Did she finally lose it from yet another BFN and has been committed to Shady Brook by Lawyer Guy for threatening to stab pregnant women in the park? Never fear, the pregnant park-trawlers are safe from my wrath for now, because I never test early (hello, have you met me before?) so the BFNs are at least a day or so away. But I have been too busy to blog for the following reasons:

1) Sickness. On Thursday afternoon I suddenly came down with sharp, AWFUL stomach pains right above my belly button. I was gripping the side of my desk to keep from doubling over while my students worked on their peer review of each other's essays. It was awful. Every time I ate for the next two days the pain came back. On the drive home, I also started to feel like a flu was coming on--muscle and joint aches, chills, tiredness, the works. I spent the night on the couch watching Jane Eyre for the 80-thousandth time and eating chicken soup and drinking Gatorade and went to bed super early that night in the hopes I'd kick it.

2) My stellar immune system did its usual awesome work (this was the first time I'd felt sick in about 4 years!) and I was much better the next day, with the exception of my stomach aches, as I mentioned. This was great because it meant I felt up for my trip to Atlanta with Lawyer Guy for a friend's wedding. We flew out of NYC that afternoon and had a great time not only dancing up a storm at the wedding--which had one of the best wedding bands I'd ever heard--and hobnobing with publishing types (to whom LG kept pitching my one finished novel, the sweetheart) and drinking vodka gimlets, but also spending some time with my second-youngest sister, who just started her first year of law school down there. We ate bbq and grits and biscuits and I'm glad I don't live in Atlanta, because I would be fat(ter) than I am already. Small blessings, right?

It was a really fun, happy weekend and even though I still feel super pessimistic about this cycle and was facing some dark, sad, hopeless emotions before we went, the fun times out-of-town did a lot to pick my spirits up. I'm ready to get my period tomorrow and not jump out the window afterward.

I've also been thinking a lot about the conference I'm supposed to attend later this week. More and more, I just don't feel I have it in me to go, for a lot of reasons. I think I've mentioned that I'm afraid of flying, and pretty much the only thing that gets me through it is holding on to Lawyer Guy (and Xanax). I'm seriously stressing over a cross-country flight without him when I've been in such a funk.

I also don't want to be so far away when I need to talk to Dr. Wonderful about the failed cycle and get started on treatments for next cycle. I don't think I want to be thousands of miles from my doctor and my husband when the nail is pounded into the coffin of this first IUI cycle. And I've lacked any drive or motivation to work on my presentation over the last few days.

I feel like a crappy student and a total failure to even consider backing out of this (and for the record, I'd just let them know that I'm ill and can't fly--which is sort of true if you take neurosis as an illness). But when I think of not going, I feel immense relief. I feel excited to start studying for my oral exams and to start preparing some articles to submit for publication. When I think about going I feel dread and nausea.

I'm going to think about it over night and then call Jet Blue in the morning and find out the penalty for switching the flight. My gut is telling me to cancel. My gut is also a total wimp.


  1. I'm glad to hear from you. I've been wondering how you've been doing (seriously!)

    If your gut it telling you to cancel, try to do so if it's not too difficult.

    I don't want to say anything about your cycle. I don't want to say all the "it's not over 'til AF shows" and get your hopes up. Just know that we're here for you, either way, and hoping beyond hope that this is it for you.

  2. I think it's always important to listen to your gut. Sometimes it's telling us what we need to know, and then the "shoulds" start getting in the way. Glad you had a fun weekend with dancing, gimlets (my favorite cocktail) and good food.

  3. If you can back out without messing with anyone else's stuff to excess (I'm assuming you weren't slated to deliver the keynote at this conference?), then why not do what's going to make you feel best? Jet Blue's pretty good with cancellations. Glad you got to enjoy a weekend away, and I'm so sorry the stomach nasties had you in their clutches, even if only briefly. Hoping your AF sensors are faulty, but know that we'll be ready with the hugs if it does show its face.

  4. I'm glad you had a great weekend!
    And if your gut says don't go, maybe it's the best decision.

  5. I'm glad the weekend was good and hope that AF isn't really coming.

    And, you know, if the cancellation is needed, it is needed. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for your mental health.

  6. I know you think this cycle is a bust, but I can't help hoping that your AF radar is off this time....and that your cold/flu was a sign of something else.

    As for the trip, it sounds like your gut knows best....I find that the gut really does take care of us sometimes (haha). I went through the same internal drama deciding whether or not I should fly home for a wedding in July. I felt SO guilty backing out, but it ended up 100% being the right decision. I see no reason why you can't tell them you're too ill to fly--it's the truth and you really do have a dozen important things in life and your academic career going on at home.

    Thinking of you. xoxo

  7. Is this your first presentation at a national conference? Cause I remember my first of those, and it was the same for me, even though I wasn't ttc at the time. I seriously considered just not going. I almost just blew off the flight and hid at home!!! Then at the last minute I rallied and threw myself into the gears of the airlines and hotel leading me ever closer to the dreaded event. It was so so stressful, but I prevailed and did manage to give that talk. I was glad I did, even though it was so hard.

    Like, you, I am terrified of flying. So I have not flown for another national conference since. I have only gone to ones within driving distance (except one in Dallas that I was invited to speak at, so couldn't really turn it down-- but I have not signed up again!). I drove to the one in Portland this summer. I was going to fly to one in France, but I was bringing Eric along! Of course we wound up not going...

    I don't have any advice about what you should do, though. I'm just telling you that I understand!!!

    I have fingers hugely crossed for a bfp...

  8. Go with your gut. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the right ones.

    Thinking of you, and my fingers are still firmly crossed. <3

  9. I agree, sometimes you just gotta do what you want to do right? And why deal with the dread if you don't have to, I say go with your gut! And still thinking tons of positive thoughts for you as well, hang in there SS!!!

  10. Take care of yourself, that is what is most important right now. Sounds like you've already made your decision, and I think it's a good one. Hang in there - the end of the 2ww is the worst. Fingers crossed so hard!

  11. Did you back out?

    I hope you took care of yourself, babe. That's what you need to do.

    So glad that flu didn't get to take hold of you because of your killer immune system. Way to be!

  12. Always follow your instincts. Please take good care of yourself. I am holding on to hope for you

  13. Thinking of you, and sending you lots of head nodding, and validation.

  14. You gotta think of yourself first in situations like this. I think you should trust your intuition and cancel the flight. And I'm hoping, praying that the reason your gut told you not to go is so you can spend that time smiling ear to ear with LG over your new pregnancy. There's a reason for everything, right? :)

    Pulling for you so, so much. xo

  15. OK, here are my two cents as an English PhD (and thus a former grad student). I remember worrying that if I backed out of a conference, word would somehow get around and I'd be blackballed. This fear made me go through enormous hardships to get to several conferences, and in once case face actual danger--hours of white-knuckled driving during a freak spring break blizzard. In retrospect ... should have backed out. No big deal. Everyone understands, and no one remembers. There was one conference I went to just after the 2003 Iraq invasion where I think fully a third of participants didn't show up due to a general unease about flying at that time. My only caution here is that there's some argument about whether or not you can put the paper on your CV if you don't actually go to the conference. Consult advisor on this one.

  16. It's so not wimpy. I think that in those situations when not going appears like such a relief...well, it's your gut telling you something. So, I'm hoping that there are no penalties for changing/delaying/canceling. I think there are times when you don't - or can't - postpone things, but times when you can. And if you can, it makes complete sense to do so.

    I'm glad you had a good time in Atlanta (bbq and grits...sigh) at the wedding. LG sounds like such a sweetheart, and I'm sure the only way he'd commit you is if you guys could get a double room:)

    (Sorry to hear about the tummy troubles, though:(...I hope they have well and truly desisted).

  17. Thinking about you-- wondering if you are traveling or grounded today. Lots of love. XOXO!

  18. P.S. Atlanta!! We were so close-- only a mere 2 hour drive!