These have been two of the busiest two days of my life, filled with frantic cross-town subway journeys on the trail of Clomid, down-to-the-wire pill-popping (I took my first dose yesterday at 11:57 am; Dr. Wonderful said to get it in by noon), confused phone calls, new appointments, extensive amazon orders, and way, way, way too much Googling for anyone's comfort. And crying.
The good news, I suppose, is that I took my Clomid on time and we're still on track for IUI #1. The good news is that I went to my very first acupuncture appointment this morning and didn't pass out when the acupuncturist put the needles in (though I did shake pretty uncontrollably for a few minutes.) The good news is that IF treatments appear to be the most effective cure for extreme needle phobia available: alert the psychological community! Desire for a baby outweighs run-of-the-mill neurosis! The good news is that several books on IF are arriving at my house in the coming days.
The bad news is that I am really, really scared. I am scared that my husband's sperm is crap. I am scared that we will never have a baby together. I am scared that my dream of a little boy or girl with his height and my hair (or vice versa, I truly don't care) will never come true.
Last night we were lying in bed together both reading. I looked over at Lawyer Guy and took in his big brown eyes and it hit me that I might never have a baby with those eyes and it was all I could do not to sob right in front of him. This coming from a blue-eyed girl who used to worry that the odds of a a blue-eyed baby were too low with only one of LG's grandparents' passing on those genes. How did I ever think that was important? How could I ever actually think that I would rather have a baby with lighter hair and bluer eyes than one who looked exactly like him? I hate myself for ever thinking that way, because I know now that looking into my child's face and seeing Lawyer Guy reflected there will be the fulfillment of every dream.
We're doing this IUI and I'm totally committed to it. And yet I don't have a prayer of it actually working. Maybe it's self-protection, but when I hear good luck wishes they sound so pointless. Of course the first treatment we try--with those morphology numbers--isn't going to work. Of course not. But we need to get some info on how I respond to treatment and we need to start working with Dr. Wonderful and a Clomid+IUI doesn't cost us anything (thank God) so why not give it a shot?
As LG keeps pointing out, I'm operating on a mix of panic, hearsay, and half-gleaned info from Dr. Google. He's refusing to feel anxious or secure until we speak with Dr. W and hear her evaluation of our situation. I wish I could be as detached as him (he actually said this morning, "We don't know anything that will happen to us in life, so there's no point in worrying over it all. We just have to take it one step at a time.") and as able to put my emotions aside when my rationality requires it. That's a pretty tall order, though, and right now I would be content to just not burst out of my skin with fear and terror while waiting for the next steps.
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
7 years ago
Your feelings are totally normal. It's such a strange place to be as you pop those first pills (and hopefully ONLY pills). It is true that IF will get rid of any needle/doctor anxiety. I used to have some serious dr. anxiety which I am now completely over.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, chances are really, really good that this will work for you. When is your first monitoring appointment?
Hang in there... you are in a strange new world, and it will take some getting used to. And of course, husbands seem to not get as anxious as we do until they hear cold hard facts from a doctor (or even two).
ReplyDeleteI pray it works for you. I'm about to start my second round of Clomid. What books did you order? I need some new ones.
ReplyDeleteYep, normal normal normal. But there is NO reason to think this is a bust cycle before it's even begun. Clomid--and even the FIRST MONTH of Clomid--works for plenty of bloggies. Why not you? Hang in there, I know this is tough stuff. I believe in Dr. Wonderful and am crazy hopeful for you Slopie.
ReplyDeleteI generally think negatively to protect myself. But, it is definitely possible for this to work and I'm hoping that this works for you.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're describing sounds perfectly normal. It's only human that you'd feel this way.
ReplyDeleteThe eyes get me, too. I look at my husband's eyes and think the exact same thing.
I know you said you didn't want to hear peoples comments till you saw Dr Wonderful but please don't stress out. LG has normal average count. Get him on the zinc tablets to help with morphology and if he is open to it acupuncture which will make them a little bit stronger. I wont bore you with stories of positive results with low morphology but they
ReplyDeleteARE out there and you will be ok!!! Cancel all appointments with Dr Google he is plain evil!
Oh I can relate. It's so hard to feel hopeful or get to that place of healthy detachment from outcomes when your instincts are commanding you to frantically Google everything to death. Sometimes I wonder if it's harder to get to that place when you're the one taking the pills, getting invasive tests and procedures and a gazillion vials of blood drawn. So your feelings are totally normal. And when things haven't worked for so long, it can feel ridiculously impossible to pin your hopes on a first procedure. But it does happen, and I really hope it happens for you. Go team Sloper-LG-Clomid-IUI!
ReplyDeleteI know those fears about never having a biological child. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteRationally, of course LG is right, but I'm having problems with the detachment too. Hang in there.
I am ELATED that you're embarking on this this cycle :). I've been saying little prayers for you that this is your answer to a safe and healthy pregnancy :). xo
ReplyDeletei want you to have 4 babies. a girl who looks just like you. a boy who looks just like LG. and another boy and girl who look like a mix of both of you. i'm betting that this would make one fine looking family :o) everything crossed for this cycle for you!!
ReplyDeleteI always figure that in any couple there should be one taking-it-easy-one-step-at-a-time member, and one who panics. That makes for a good medium (though, even as I write that, I wish i were more of the first variety). I'm catching up - and have read ahead - and all I can say is that I really, really hope that this first time is the charm. It DOES happen.
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