These have been two of the busiest two days of my life, filled with frantic cross-town subway journeys on the trail of Clomid, down-to-the-wire pill-popping (I took my first dose yesterday at 11:57 am; Dr. Wonderful said to get it in by noon), confused phone calls, new appointments, extensive amazon orders, and way, way, way too much Googling for anyone's comfort. And crying.
The good news, I suppose, is that I took my Clomid on time and we're still on track for IUI #1. The good news is that I went to my very first acupuncture appointment this morning and didn't pass out when the acupuncturist put the needles in (though I did shake pretty uncontrollably for a few minutes.) The good news is that IF treatments appear to be the most effective cure for extreme needle phobia available: alert the psychological community! Desire for a baby outweighs run-of-the-mill neurosis! The good news is that several books on IF are arriving at my house in the coming days.
The bad news is that I am really, really scared. I am scared that my husband's sperm is crap. I am scared that we will never have a baby together. I am scared that my dream of a little boy or girl with his height and my hair (or vice versa, I truly don't care) will never come true.
Last night we were lying in bed together both reading. I looked over at Lawyer Guy and took in his big brown eyes and it hit me that I might never have a baby with those eyes and it was all I could do not to sob right in front of him. This coming from a blue-eyed girl who used to worry that the odds of a a blue-eyed baby were too low with only one of LG's grandparents' passing on those genes. How did I ever think that was important? How could I ever actually think that I would rather have a baby with lighter hair and bluer eyes than one who looked exactly like him? I hate myself for ever thinking that way, because I know now that looking into my child's face and seeing Lawyer Guy reflected there will be the fulfillment of every dream.
We're doing this IUI and I'm totally committed to it. And yet I don't have a prayer of it actually working. Maybe it's self-protection, but when I hear good luck wishes they sound so pointless. Of course the first treatment we try--with those morphology numbers--isn't going to work. Of course not. But we need to get some info on how I respond to treatment and we need to start working with Dr. Wonderful and a Clomid+IUI doesn't cost us anything (thank God) so why not give it a shot?
As LG keeps pointing out, I'm operating on a mix of panic, hearsay, and half-gleaned info from Dr. Google. He's refusing to feel anxious or secure until we speak with Dr. W and hear her evaluation of our situation. I wish I could be as detached as him (he actually said this morning, "We don't know anything that will happen to us in life, so there's no point in worrying over it all. We just have to take it one step at a time.") and as able to put my emotions aside when my rationality requires it. That's a pretty tall order, though, and right now I would be content to just not burst out of my skin with fear and terror while waiting for the next steps.
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
11 months ago