A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Doctor's Orders; or, The Follow-Up

Dr. Wonderful called this morning to discuss yesterday's results. It was a good conversation--a little scary, but also reassuring and she took lots of time to answer all my questions.

First of all, she said she thinks it's a positive sign that we achieved a pregnancy, even if only a chemical one, in our very first attempt at an IUI. She said this shows her that the treatment can work for us. I'm going to take that and try to find comfort from it.

She then told me to prepare myself for this pregnancy not to last, and I said that I'd basically been anticipating that ever since I saw those ghostly shadows of lines on the pregnancy tests. Those were not lines that suggested a promising ending.

She said she considers this a different category of loss than our miscarriage and that chemical pregnancies are extremely common and an "underdiagnosed" condition. It may be just a fluke--a less healthy egg that happened to be produced and fertilize, which she said all women have.

But we're still going to do an RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) panel once my betas get back down to zero--karyotyping on Lawyer Guy and me and clotting disorder testing on me. Dr. Wonderful warned me that this will involve a lot of blood work for me. Lawyer Guy is going to see a urologist and Dr. W said that his new doctor may recommend additional testing of LG's sperm based on the morphology stats.

At the same time, we're not going to hold off on treatment until the results come back. Dr. W said she's ordering the panel because she wants to be thorough and leave no stone unturned, but she doesn't think that anything will come back positive. Once my levels drop and I get my period we'll start the RPL testing and also begin treatment for next cycle: another dose of Clomid and another IUI.

Right now I feel a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm glad that Dr. W wants us to go forward with treatment; I'm glad that she thinks we've got a real shot at a healthy pregnancy with IUI; I'm glad that she thinks (or at least says) that the RPL testing is more of a formality than anything else.

And I'm also scared that I've now had a second loss. Even though chemicals are so easy to miss that many, many women may have had them without knowing it, I'm still bummed to be in that tiny category of women that have more than one lost pregnancy. Ever since we lost the m&m, this was my greatest fear: that we would have trouble both conceiving and maintaining pregnancies. That each year we'll get pregnant once only to lose it (I'm eerily prescient, aren't I?).

I'm trying to hold onto the hopeful stories I know--the many women who've had chemical pregnancies and losses and yet are currently cooking babies that seem to be doing well: People like Leslie and Al and Mo. And it's also encouraging that I've now got a doctor whose expertise is exactly this-- someone who responds to unexpected flukes with "Let's be thorough and check everything out" rather than "Eh, chances are everything's okay. Stop worrying."

And like I wrote yesterday, I don't feel like I lost a child, though I also feel considerably more miserable than my usual BFN funk. I never had one moment of "Yay, I'm having a baby!" and I never felt certain that there was anything growing and living inside me. But I also let myself imagine a little--I imagined telling family and friends at Thanksgiving; I imagined bringing 6-week-old twins to my sister's wedding. And those daydreams, fun while they last, create an awful sting when they fall apart.

I guess I'll just sit here for now in this very comfy chair and maybe read a little and try to sleep. And hope that things will seem brighter and more hopeful tomorrow.

19 comments:

  1. I definitely know what the second loss feels like-- whatever it's nature, it really takes the confidence out of you in your ability to ever produce a healthy child. And that is just a sucky and unfair thing to have to feel-- of course it isn't true, as you point out-- 2 losses don't really mean anything. But it sure feels like it, and it's nearly impossible to get your heart and head to respond in quite the same positive way to subsequent pregnancies. So yeah, this is a big deal and you are right to be deeply sad about it, no matter how early the loss (if it is indeed a loss- I know all signs point that way).

    On the plus side, it seems like SUCH a wonderful thing to have Dr. Wonderful to hold your hand through this experience. I definitely think that you made the right choice of RE! To be able to talk about this with someone who is both helpful/knowledgeable AND optimistic, and who will take a good portion of your burden onto her own shoulders-- I'm glad.

    Hang in there-- I am still anxious for tomorrow's results and am hoping that if this is not indeed a miracle baby that at least your levels are well on their way back to 0. Hugs.

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  2. I'm sorry to hear this. I am excited that you were pregnant for a bit, that is hopeful.

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  3. I can imagine a chemical pregnancy is one of the most frustrating outcomes of fertility treatment cycle. BUT, I really think the fact that you can get pregnant is a very good sign, as Dr. Wonderful said. Basic Girl also had a couple of chemicals from IUIs before getting pregnant.

    It will happen, Sloper, keep your chin up!

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  4. Thinking of you. No magic words - I always feel like most words at moments like this are never able to accurately capture what the heart is feeling, and hurting.

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  5. I miscarried (we think chemical) at the end of June 2010 and my "last period" before I got pregnant was at the end of July...so maybe running all those tests will help you get a GOOD BFP in December! Your in my thoughts...

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  6. It sounds like your doctor is, indeed, wonderful. I'm so glad she's working with you so closely and offering so much encouragement! I'm so sorry for your loss--I understand what you mean about it not feeling as real this time, but it is still a loss and I know how hard that is, how hard it is to keep hoping anyway. So I will be hoping for you, for success, and soon, with your new treatment plan!

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  7. There is good news in that this worked and your doctor seems ahead of the game here.

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  8. Oh, Slopie. This has got to be so frustrating and agonizing. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. The upside you pointed out yesterday and the new ones you found with Dr. Wonderful are all SO GOOD. You guys were freaked about LG's swimmers and look at this, one IUI and they found an eggie. All that said, I know this has got to be so heartbreaking to be so close. Dr. Wonderful is living up to her name, she's covering allllll of the bases, and you are in amazing hands. Be kind to yourself today and this weekend. xoxo

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  9. Super ((((hugs)))) My thoughts are with you.

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  10. *hugs* I had a chemical two cycles before this pregnancy and it's a blow - no matter what others may say or think. Let yourself mourn this loss, but also be sure to remember what an awesome doctor you have on your side and that we're all keeping our fingers tightly crossed that you're announcing a sticky & healthy BFP soon.

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  11. I'm just glad that you have such a thorough doctor.

    You know how sorry I am that you're going through this. I think it sounds like you have great chances of conceiving (and maintaining the pregnancy) with another IUI, though, and that is definitely something to be a little happy about.

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  12. my first ivf ended in a chemical. when i got my 4-5 second opinions, each of the RE's was super optimistic that the first had ended in a chemical, whereas i was thinking "are you ppl sick!!??". wtf. when it comes to iui's, i'm convinced your chances increases with each round. the doc learns a little more about your body, and it'll just happen. please believe. and if you can't right now, the rest of us will believe for you :o) hang in there. xoxo.

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  13. This Dr. Wonderful sounds, well, wonderful :). I think you're in such great hands and she will find a way to get you pregnant (and stay pregnant) very soon. Take the time you need to grieve the loss of this cycle. Sometimes we all just need to do it. xo

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  14. I'm sorry about the chemical. It sucks. I always found it sad that a chemical was not really considered a miscarriage. It still hurts. I've been there.

    Sounds like you're in very good hands. The blood work includes about 12 tubes of blood, each! It's kind of overwhelming but at least you're getting it done now.

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  15. Your doctor raised some really great points that I hope you are able to hold on to at this difficult time. I'm glad that you're moving ahead with additional testing, just in case. It can't hurt.

    I'm just so sorry this is happening. (((HUGS)))

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  16. Your doc is great and I'm glad she's going ahead with some testing. I hope that things move forward quickly soon and turn out much better.

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  17. I am really sorry that you are going through this now, again. I know it's different, but I also know it still hurts. I do think that your doctor sounds amazing and sounds like she has all the faith in the world that you will be pregnant with a sticky baby very soon! Thinking of you.

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  18. I'm glad your doc is being so thorough. And she's right, on all counts. The RPL panel makes sense not because you're likely to experience another...but because there may be a very clear indicator of how best to avoid another.

    The second loss, it's a very hard one, Sloper. It makes you a member of a club you never had any interest in joining in the first place. But the odds of carrying a healthy pregnancy to term next time are overwhelmingly in your favor.

    Hugs to you.

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  19. I'm so sorry about the chemical.
    Thinking of you.

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