A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

According to Leslie, This Would Be Stage 6; or, What I Don't Want

I want to post about what a wonderful birthday I had. I want to post about the familiar blue box containing sparkly earrings that Lawyer Guy withdrew from a secret drawer that morning (after swearing up and down that the party was my present). I want to post about the shopping trip with my sister to NoLIta that led to me purchasing my birthday party outfit. I want to post about the fabulous dinner LG and I had at Locanda Verde and the wonderful calls and texts and e-mails I received all day from friends and family around the country.

I don't want to post about the sinking feeling that has been slowly setting in over the past few days, the end-of-the-2ww feeling, the heavy, dull, listless feeling of yet another failed cycle.

I don't want to post about the phone calls I've been guiltily dodging from Recently Trying Friend, whose decision to celebrate her birthday "low key" last month alone with her husband and whose sudden desire to meet up for drinks (after...hmm...let's see...four months of silence) are like some Banksy guerilla art installation all over that freaking wall: PREGNANT LADY HERE. I don't want to post about how even the thought of another pregnant friend in my life--another pregnant former bridesmaid, another shower to paste on a fake fucking smile for, another sequence of interminably similar questions to ask (Did you pick a name? What's your nursery set? Are you learning the sex? When are you due? What stroller are you registering for?)--sets my heart racing and palms sweating and stomach roiling and tears streaming and NO, I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN! NOT NOW! NOT YET!

I don't want to post about Mother's Day. I don't want to post about trying again. I don't want to post about nieces and obsessed grandmothers with one-track conversational minds and soon-t0-be mamas parading their stretch-jersey swaddled bellies all over town in celebration of Spring and their own delightful fecundity.

I want to post that I'm pregnant. But I can't.

So I'm posting this: I'm taking a break. And contrary to the wisdom of busy bodies everywhere, it's not some nifty new fertility treatment I'm trying out. I'm tapped out. I'm drained. I'm gutted, spitted, and fried.

So enjoy your little nap, Pissy the CBEFM. Return to your drawer, my good friend Tempy. Maybe I'll call you back up to the big leagues next month, and maybe you'll be playing for the minors all summer long.

For the near future, it's just me, Lawyer Guy, and whatever sperm-meets-egg magic the good Lord sees fit to provide.

And you, of course. I can't leave all of you. After all this time, I've gotten used to having a crowd in the bedroom.


  1. ((hugs))) I feel this way 90% of the time. (Sad to admit!) I have so much wonderful-ness in my life, yet the darkness and fear and anger can sometimes seem all consuming even on the brightest days. Know that there are sunnier moments on the horizon. Deep breaths.

    I think the break--if you don't get surprise awesome news this week--will be wonderful for you. This process is exhausting and can really beat you up. Take care of yourself.

    PS Oh, and I know you're totally not in the mood to talk about it right this second, but do share the dress you picked at some point! :)

    PSS It was so very AWESOME meeting up on Friday. Most cathartic 1.5 hours of my entire weekend. xo

  2. glad you had a fantabulous birthday!! welcome to the 30's. your last year in your 20's had some major downs, so here's hoping that your first year in your 30's treats you very very well :o)

    glad you're putting that monitor thingy away and trying to be as *normal* as one can be. still wishing for a belated bday present for you - in the form of a you know what, but as your post says, none of that talk.

    i do NOT like the sounds of 'recently trying friend'. me thinks she needs to stop calling you, and me also thinks you need some great excuses to get out of seeing her in person. one of my close girlfriends said they're gonna *start trying* this summer. but i suspect they've already started, and she keeps trying to have dinner with me, but i'm scared. since she only comes in to the city on wednesdays for work, she needs to do a 5:30 dinner in order to get back to greenwich at a decent time. so i've been "working late" recently. the promotion, *you know*. it might be happening ALOT in the coming weeks and months. i am seriously terrified of her telling me that she's pregnant.

    let's get through this mother's day weekend in tact. and here's to hoping that this time next year, lawyer guy will be forging a mother's day card for you from your little one :o)

  3. Oh, FUCK OFF, Recently Trying Friend! Just GO AWAY. It's funny how sensitive our preg-dar gets. We think we're just being paranoid and crazy, but we never are! I'm so sorry. (If you want to bite the bullet, you might e-mail her noting that if she happens to get pregnant you'd rather hear by e-mail. If you would, that is. I'm trying this approach out with my recently trying friend.) I wish so much you could be right there with them, blathering away about baby junk. But you will be, I genuinely believe. And you'll be stronger and better and more awesome for these awful times you've had to go through. In any event, break sounds great!

  4. You sound like you are on track for a mental health month. Honestly, I was fortunate to lose touch with a lot of friends who are currently popping out kids and I'm fucking grateful that I didn't have to fake it too much. Aviodthat friend like the plague.

    I'd also just conjure from the book of Leslie: 3:24, "we are in a land of limbo between the fertile and the not trying herd who have yet to take the leap." Or something like that...that limbo is a joy-sucker and fun-robber. So all of that goodness gets muted. I do hope that there is some amplifier you can get to feel a bit more you and less like this in between. If you find in out there, do report back.

    Blue boxes are sweet things and I can't wait to see what sparkly frock was chosen. I'm sure you were a knockout!

  5. Ugh. I'd say you hit the nail on the head as regards Newly Pregnant Lady. There comes a time when it really is too damned much. And I'm sorry about coming to the end of the 2ww with nothing to indicate that it won't be another bust (though, that said: it isn't over until it's over).

    Feeling low doesn't mean you don't appreciate the other stuff, just that the stuff that keeps hitting you over the head is less than pleasant. And I think taking a break - or at least giving yourself the option to - is not a bad idea. (Prissy, that bitch among pee-reading computers, I think she gives us until CD 5 to decide whether to press the Magic button for exactly this reason.)

  6. I'm sorry that there's been a bit of a dark cloud hanging over your birthday - but it's hard to avoid all the fears and sadness as the end of the 2ww approaches.
    I think a break is a good idea, hopefully it eases the pressure a little bit.
    Thinking of you.

  7. You may very tactfully stop returning calls and emails from your "recently trying friend" because seriously, if she has disappeared for the last 4 months you totally have the right to reciprocate. And if you do get snagged on the phone, then at least you won't have to fake happiness in person; I find myself scowling at every pregnant persons stomach.

    And incidentally, what the fuck is it with NYC in the spring? It' like all of the people got pregnant 6 months ago and are trotting out their bellies. I seriously can't stand it. In fact, I sometimes flee my neighborhood (UWS) to less family friendly areas (EVill, LES) so there are just fewer bugaboo strollers crowding the sidewalks. I'm cursing bloomberg for making this entire city so safe and family friendly.

    Anyway, I hope that your birthday was better than it sounds and I commend you for knowing that a break is the right thing to do. So enjoy. Don't even think about marking your calendar CD1.

  8. Blah blah blah to all these people who want to plan this big, extravagant way to tell their friends that they're pregnant! I HATE THAT and I HATE how insensitive and clueless people are. I mean, I was there once, too, but sheesh. It's maddening.

    I am really looking forward to a break as well, I hope yours is as relaxing as you're anticipating. But hey, you may not even have to worry about it...AF hasn't shown up YET!

  9. Stupid "recently been trying" friend! I hate people like that. No one gives a shit as much as you do that you're pregnant. Get over it. Ugh. People will never understand that, will they? Just like the people that post their u/s photos and videos on Facebook. Really? Am I supposed to get excited about a kid swimming in your uterus? Fertiles...

    No one can blame you for taking a break. Hell, I've thought about it too (and might be forced to take a big one if neither of these upcoming IUIs work). Sometimes a break is everything you need to get your mind back on track!

  10. Dear god -- I can so relate to all of this. I'll spare you the details but it's been MIND BOGGLINGLY UNFAIR how much baby, and pregnancy talk has been surrounding me so soon after my IVF. And what with my MIL in my home right now, I have to act "normal" both by day and by night. I'm taking a break as well (just having good ol' unprotected sex) for awhile so it's nice to hear I'll have some company. And if you ever want to meet at CT Muffin so we can make fun of the stroller nazis, you just let me know. :)

  11. This.

    I completely understand every word of it.

    It's exactly how I feel right now, too. I keep thinking about throwing in the towel for a month. Letting nature run its course. Getting my mind off the constant worrying and wondering.

    Yet... I wonder if I even could. Without a medically-assisted cycle, I think I'd probably always be keeping track in my mind. It's inevitable.

    I hope you are able to just breathe for a little while. Enjoy your man. Enjoy your life. It sounds like an awesome one.

  12. *hugs* I hope your break brings you some peace & a sense of calm. I'm sorry to hear about another prego friend. My sister is due in July, she knows about our struggles and yet loves to post her weekly bump pictures on FB and tell us how this pregnancy is soooo draining and she's soooo tired. *grrr*

    I AM glad you had a wonderful birthday and got a sparkly gift from LG! Any pictures to show us what you got? I love jewelry! What dress did you end up getting?

  13. Well first off I'm hoping for an awesome surprise here soon, and the break is unneeded. But if it is, I think its a great plan to regain focus on other aspects of life for a month or two or however long you need!! And sorry about the "trying" friend. I say stay away, there is no need to endure a I'm pregnant let's celebrate dinner, ugh! Save that kind of celebreationg for your hubby and send your friends a nice simple email or something, so we can curse you and fertiles everywhere from the comfort of our computers...and then blog about it stat. Hang in there hun, thinking of you!!

  14. Well, the sparkly earrings sound great. Nothing beats jewelry that your man picked out by himself :).

    And I can't help but hope that your evil mood is a pregnancy symptom... although I am sure that that is exactly what you DON'T want to hear right now.

    I am a HUGE proponent of throwing away Mr. Tempy. I've said it before. I say just have sex when you have EWCM and be done with it. It matches the peak days on your cbefm, right???? Have you read this post by KuKd chick? http://knockedupknockeddown.blogspot.com/2008/12/clearblue-insanity-monitor.html
    I think it is fucking hilarious!! Especially the Clearblue Time Monitor idea. Because I feel like that's basically all this temping and monitoring is doing for us anyways. Helping us mark the time until we are pregnant. While we go insane.

    Toss it.

  15. I think we all reach a point where we can't bear yet another baby shower . . . so if you're like me, you stop going to them. You are "out of town" or "already have plans," etc. You do NOT need to torture yourself out of some misplaced obligation. I can't remember who was at my showers (granted one of them I didn't attend since Peanut came early).

    Give yourself permission to do something fun instead of going to those awful things! My BFF was dreading one being held at her place of employment for a young co-worker who (insert annoyig giggle) "wasn't really trying." I told her flat out that she wasn't going, she was taking a half-day and hanging out with me instead. She did what I suggested (demanded) and it was great.

    If someone starts up with the baby repetoire of questions, fake your way through it with details of your fabulous (even if faux) life - seriously, make up something like you are planning a trip to go hiking in Nepal, or are picking a B&B in Napa for a long weekend, just can't decide which sports car, just bought the cutests dress that makes you look extra skinny, how your husband does 3 million wonderful things, etc. I did that sort of thing all the time (insert evil laugh), and it helped me immensely.

    Then again, I'm a bitch ;o)

  16. Oh honey... When I read this post, my heart was breaking for you... but on the other hand, I'm glad that you are getting it out, writing it down, sharing with us-- because that's truly the only way to survive this.

    I hope that this break gives you some peace, some breathing room, and some hope. Perhaps after trying with such disappointment, a step back is needed to feel whole again.

    I support whatever you choose-- if that means a month or a season or a year off. If that means changing your mind in the middle of the month and deciding to "try", so be it.

    Love you, honey.