A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Lent; or, The Two Week Wait

Today is the start of Lent, and in an hour or so I will go to church to get my ashes. Today is a day of fasting, which I always try to keep, even though I know my energy will be flagging by my 4:15 class tonight. Beginning today I won't eat meat until Easter--and this year I'm going to give up alcohol, as well.

Every year I think to myself I should, and every year I find some reason why I can't (a wedding or big party in the middle of Lent; or last year the thought that I would be pregnant soon, so I needed to enjoy drinking while I could). This year I have no excuses. I've got no parties to worry about, and I'm pretty sure I won't mind having missed a few weeks of potential drinking if I get pregnant shortly after Easter.

I'm also going to try to do something about my attitude. I think I've healed emotionally and psychologically tremendously in the past three months, but I still have too many self-pitying days, too many days of fatalistic negativity, and far too much jealousy of my friends' babies and my sister-in-law's pregnancy. There isn't a need to "make amends" because I don't think these people realize the anger and frustration I feel so often. But I need to make amends to myself, to reassure myself that I'm not a bitter person, that I can feel happiness for others while sadness for myself.

So-- I'm going to do one nice thing for a pregnant person or new mother each week as part of my Lenten sacrifice. This might be an e-mail or phone call when I'm really not feeling up to it (as sad as my miscarriage makes me, I know they are preoccupied and stressed by motherhood). It might be a donation of clothing or time or money to an organization that benefits indigent pregnant women and mothers in the city. I'll do something to try to give love out instead of envy.

Lent is 40 days (plus Sundays) of waiting and preparation, and I have started a waiting period of my own. As I'm pretty sure this is my first time ovulating since October, I'm in my first real two-week wait since the miscarriage. I've had two days of a temp rise and am waiting for crosshairs on Fertility Friend before I post my chart. After all my moaning and fit pitching, we had decently timed sex in the end. And now there's a full blown Mind Fetus residing in my uterus, a boy or girl with a November birthday, a name, and a very happy life all planned out by his or her mother.

I hate that I'm feeling so excited and positive about this cycle, because I know I'll only feel it the worse when my period inevitably shows.

But wouldn't it be lovely to live an easy life like that?


  1. Yes, it would be lovely!

    I sorta forgot about the fasting part of Lent...oops. I am giving up alcohol, too. And I am pretty sure I just had day 1 of my temp rise today. This is my first month using Fertility Friend, so we'll see how it goes. Sounds like you and I are on the same cycle...hopefully we both get the results we want this month!

  2. What a great idea! I have heard that principle before- when you are feeling bad for yourself, do something for someone else; but how beautifully you have chosen to apply it to the IF pity party and bless new mothers. Would you mind if I use that idea too?

  3. Love your Lenten sacrifices. i haven't thought of anything that really makes sense - giving up sweets always seems like a vain act and like it makes me no better of a person. I may have to steal your ideas, if you don't mind...

    I hope this 2ww goes by quickly and you have something great to celebrate soon :-)

  4. I can see the hope bubbling below the surface and I'm hopelessly hopeful that it will break through at the end of your 2ww.

    What beautiful Lent sacrifices you are making!

  5. I'm loving your Lent sacrifices, and I just think sending out good things can only mean good things will come back your way! Thinking of you, and hoping the tww flies by. I'll be joining you there soon!!

  6. A mind fetus? I LOVE it! I'm right there with you. At this point in my life, it's almost like my child really does exist... until I accidentally say something out loud and realize how silly I sound. (At this point, I think I'm entitled to "silly").

    Hope that November baby is doing wonderfully. I haven't ovulated yet, but I have a November baby too. ;o) I've had him/her since the last time AF showed.

  7. I think your plan sounds wonderful. It should really help you feel better about yourself and your situation. I hope it's a short (and successful) 2WW!