Dear Secret Sloper,
Hi, girl. Sorry you're not pregnant yet. It sucks.
We'd both agree I know you pretty well, right? We've been hanging out for almost 30 years now (maybe even over 30 years, depending on when you're reading this). And in that time, I've learned some things about you. You can't leave the house without forgetting your wallet, keys, or phone. Every time you swear you have a fever your temperature is a solid 97.8 (you never get sick). And without fail you forget what pms feels like every. single. month.
I even know what you're doing right now. You're probably 9, 10, 11 dpo and you're thinking, "Maybe this is it! Maybe this is the month!" And you're checking the didn't-know-I-was-pregnant-yet posts from October and feeling like maybe kinda that's sorta what you're feeling. So this is a public service announcement, from me to you:
YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT!
I know, you've got cramps. THAT IS PMS!
And they sort of come and go and are really low in your pubic bone and your cervix sometimes cramps a little too. THAT IS ALSO PMS!
And okay, you're skin is relatively clear. But it's oily. YOU HAVE PMS.
And man, you're really hungry. You just ate two pieces of cheesecake. SO WHAT!? P.M.S.
And you're bloated. OKAY, THAT'S DEFINITELY PMS
And your boobs sort of hurt in the middle and not so much on the sides like usual and when you pinch the nipples or lie on them in this certain-- JUST STOP! YOUR BOOBS HURT BECAUSE YOU ARE POKING THEM NONSTOP. AND ALSO BECAUSE OF PMS.
And you've got this twingy, comes-and-goes backache just like your BFP month. AND ALSO JUST LIKE YOUR POST-M/C CYCLE. IT'S CALLED PMS!
Did I get them all? Just in case, I'll throw a few more out there: Did you have an "implantation dip"? Is your nose kind of dry? Are you taking a lot of midday naps? Do you cry at bizarre and unaccountable things, like Candide's "Glitter and Be Gay" ("I just *sob* love that song!") or The Daily Show ("Jon Stewart really *sob* loves his family").
ALL OF THIS IS PMS.
Let me make myself perfectly plain: YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT!
It's tough to hear, I know. But let's try to take that long road back to sanity together.