A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Friday, February 26, 2010

I Swore I Wouldn't Do This; or, Letter to My Future Self

Dear Secret Sloper,

Hi, girl. Sorry you're not pregnant yet. It sucks.

We'd both agree I know you pretty well, right? We've been hanging out for almost 30 years now (maybe even over 30 years, depending on when you're reading this). And in that time, I've learned some things about you. You can't leave the house without forgetting your wallet, keys, or phone. Every time you swear you have a fever your temperature is a solid 97.8 (you never get sick). And without fail you forget what pms feels like every. single. month.

I even know what you're doing right now. You're probably 9, 10, 11 dpo and you're thinking, "Maybe this is it! Maybe this is the month!" And you're checking the didn't-know-I-was-pregnant-yet posts from October and feeling like maybe kinda that's sorta what you're feeling. So this is a public service announcement, from me to you:


I know, you've got cramps. THAT IS PMS!

And they sort of come and go and are really low in your pubic bone and your cervix sometimes cramps a little too. THAT IS ALSO PMS!

And okay, you're skin is relatively clear. But it's oily. YOU HAVE PMS.

And man, you're really hungry. You just ate two pieces of cheesecake. SO WHAT!? P.M.S.

And you're bloated. OKAY, THAT'S DEFINITELY PMS

And your boobs sort of hurt in the middle and not so much on the sides like usual and when you pinch the nipples or lie on them in this certain-- JUST STOP! YOUR BOOBS HURT BECAUSE YOU ARE POKING THEM NONSTOP. AND ALSO BECAUSE OF PMS.

And you've got this twingy, comes-and-goes backache just like your BFP month. AND ALSO JUST LIKE YOUR POST-M/C CYCLE. IT'S CALLED PMS!

Did I get them all? Just in case, I'll throw a few more out there: Did you have an "implantation dip"? Is your nose kind of dry? Are you taking a lot of midday naps? Do you cry at bizarre and unaccountable things, like Candide's "Glitter and Be Gay" ("I just *sob* love that song!") or The Daily Show ("Jon Stewart really *sob* loves his family").


Let me make myself perfectly plain: YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT!

It's tough to hear, I know. But let's try to take that long road back to sanity together.

Yours Always,


  1. I think I should print this and put it on my bathroom mirror.

  2. To be blunt, I hope everything in this letter is pure bullshit and that all of your symptoms are the real deal.

    Love you girl & I have hope for you, even when you don't.

    Also, FABULOUS new background!!!

  3. I could have written this myself. I literally do the exact same thing every month.

    I also hope that you're wrong and you can read it later and laugh.

  4. I so hope you are wrong! But I know how you feel - those last few days of the 2ww are absolute torture. Hang in there...really really hope you can rip that letter to shreds :)

  5. Poor current and future selves! Like everyone else, I refuse to believe your advice to yourself and will be hoping for you, but I can imagine the whole thing gets so much more complicated and painful once you have gotten pregnant.

  6. I need to write the same letter to myself, but I'm hoping that it's not true for you or for me this month! I hope we're both pregnant!

  7. Ha ha, this is wonderful. I am about 8 dpo, and I'm nauseous (could be all the string cheese, which is all I've eaten today) and my breasts hurt... AND I didn't really plan intercourse correctly this month (o-3 or o+1), but still I'm starting to play mind games with myself. This was a good read for me today. :)

  8. When. are. you. going. to. POAS?

  9. LOVE the new background!!! Dam PMS symptons, I mean what a cruel joke that they're exactly the same as pregnancy symptoms. I'm literally going crazy over here!! Well, hang in there...you're almost done! I'm still holding out for you though, cause lets face it...with getting pregnant you just never frickin know!!

  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

  11. I won't poas until Tuesday and only then if I have no spotting or sign of AF. I wait until I'm late (which usually means I don't do it at all)