A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Back at One; or, Be Gentle, It's All So New to Me

My 1 year anniversary is coming up in March. Not my wedding anniversary (we're going on 3 years) or a grad school anniversary (this is my 4th year) or an apartment anniversary (we've been in Park Slope almost 2). Nope, I'm gearing up for my 1 year anniversary of trying to conceive a child.

First year TTC anniversaries are momentous things. They usually mean a full complement of blood work and semen analysis and a visit to the friendly neighborhood RE. But mine won't. Mine will most likely mean another pee stick in the fertility monitor, another temp charted on my fertility software, another night of hoping this one works and this one sticks. And another blog post (that one I can guarantee).

Because I won't have been trying to have a baby for 12 months. I won't be on my 9th cycle of fucking with purpose. I'll be on my second month, second cycle. A total newbie!

Miscarriages restart the clock. After all, the process worked (well, it didn't really if the goal was a child in my arms rather than a vial full of "products of human conception" in a lab somewhere, but you know what I mean). Pregnancy #1 was achieved. #2 is a different beast.

Most of the time, this feels like a good thing. I'm glad to let go of the accumulated disappointment and despair of March-December 2009. I'm glad to be starting over, a nice low number on the calendar and plenty of reason for optismism. It'll take 3 months, right? Sure, why not. It does for other people.

Other times I think--what if? What if it takes a full year? What if it takes 9 months and then I lose that one, too? And suddenly, I'm seeing second anniversaries, third anniversaries. Suddenly, I'm seeing how couples wind up waiting two or more years before trying any treatments, something I swore once upon a time I would never do.

But most of the time I don't think about the what ifs. And it's not just because they'll fuck with your head.

I'm new to this whole thing, remember? I'm counting on beginner's luck.


  1. That's a really good outlook to have....I've been trying to have that, sometimes I just fall off the wagon. :) Starting cycle 3 today!

  2. I'm definitely hoping that beginner's luck is your IN. I also believe in 3s. This is my THIRD month with the RE, so fingers crossed all around.

    Have I said that I LOVE your blog??? I do!

  3. You have such a great outlook on things. I am hoping with all I've got that it only takes 3 months for you!

    It's so difficult for me not to let my mind wonder on how many more TTC anniversaries I'll have before I get pregnant (with a baby that makes it). I'm approaching two years in May. I love this post and I relate to where you are with things.

  4. I'm loving your outlook on this!! You have every reason in the world to be optimistic, cause you're right...the process did work! Your body knows how to do this, its just a matter of when. Praying this is your month, c'mon begginer's luck!!!

  5. Good outlook! We hit our 1 year mark back in December and my outlook wasn't as good as yours at the time. Good luck!

  6. Hmmmm, I never thought of it that way! It's definitely a more cheerful view. Good for you for staying positive. I have nothing but happy thoughts for beginner's luck!

  7. I admire your outlook. Hopefully you won't even reach that 1 year milestone and have the positive pregnancy test to tell that anniversary to shove it.

  8. It can all be so frustrating, I know. We are also coming up to 1 year for trying (for #2). I hope you can celebrate your second anniversary with a 3 month old baby cuddling in your arms.

  9. So odd to have come so far, yet back at the beginning. I love how positive you are about your fresh start in 2010!!!