A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Abandoning Hope; or, Finding It Again

I'm not sure if this is a sign of hope or despair. I'm not sure if I'm taking action or giving up. But I took a really big step today: I made a firm appointment for my first RE consultation.

This cycle is not going so great, and it's had me down for the last few days. After all my optimism about vitex last month, I'm on CD 17 with no EWCM and still showing low readings on the CBEFM. Even worse, the mid-cycle spotting is back, despite continuing with my raspberry leaf tea. It's not a lot of spotting (not like it was in Spring 2009) and it's brown and faint, but this is not making me happy, to say the least.

Now in the past, cycles like this would send me into a tailspin. I direct your attention to this post (coincidentally, also on CD 17) from last September as case in point. But a few factors have modulated my emotional reaction into something more like vague unease and disappointment rather than vicious self-recrimination and dismay.

a) Time. Seriously, I'm no longer capable of getting all worked up over every fucking bump in every fucking cycle. After eighteen months, I just don't have it in me any more.
b) Options. Knowing that I have decided to go to the doctor, to get tested, and to finally have some assistance on this road is taking a huge burden off my back. So what if this is a fucked-up cycle. I'll soon have a professional on the case.
c) Experience. I've cried about screwy cycles before. I've worried I wouldn't ovulate. And I (almost) always have. I even got pregnant during that crazy-making screwy cycle last September, so I'm not shedding all hope now.

Make no mistake, despite my reasonably calm reaction to these setbacks, I am not a happy Sloper right now. So I decided to call the Dr's office at N.YU to find out if the insurance hurdles have been surmounted yet. They haven't (though the nurse is very hopeful for September 1st). That's okay. When they are, I'll make the appointment for the consult there.

In the meantime, I've got a consult with a Dr. at Cor.nell! Who takes my insurance! And has good patient reviews online! Once I get the appointment at NY.U, I'll go to both consults and figure out which doctor I feel more comfortable seeing.

So come September 17th, my RE adventure begins. The door on getting pregnant unassisted is starting to close for me, and I pushed it a little more by making that call. But a window is definitely opening, and the breeze feels good.


  1. Y'know what... there is a different sort of resolution about making that first appointment. I had some anxiety, a lot of mixed feelings, but ultimately, it was "I am taking charge. I will no longer feel like I'm alone in this."

    That being said, I hope you end up not "needing" that appt after all. *wink wink*

  2. If you're anything like me, you'll go back and forth in your mind about the RE, the medicine, the procedures...

    It definitely helps you feel like you're taking charge and trying all you can try.

    Since we both got pregnant without assistance at one time, though, your mind will go back to that and wonder if you're going through all this for nothing.

    I want you to know that all those feelings are totally normal and I'm going through them too!

    Solidarity, sister.

  3. I'm not counting this cycle out AT ALL, but I'm so very happy you have this appt(s) on the calendar. Big sigh of relief. An expert on your case will do wonders for your heart/soul/health. C'moooon EWCM and ovulation, let Sloper finish up her cycle!

  4. I can't stres enough what a great idea I think it is that you're seeing an RE. Not only does it make you feel more proactive but they could find something you couldn't have found on your own that's easily fixable. PLEASE keep us posted and as always, I'm wishing you all the best.

  5. Yay, good for you!!! I am so glad you have that appointment to look forward to. I too am looking forward to you getting a diagnosis and a verdict here, as I am rooting hard for your baby all the time! Yes, obviously you can get pregnant on your own, given enough time, but why not take the shortcut? You definitely deserve it at this point!!!

    I'm still rooting for the voodoo to kick in - making the appointment is the trick to getting pregnant on your own - but if that doesn't happen, I am sooo happy that you have plan B firmly in place!

  6. I was pregnant with our first w/o assistance...and four miscarriages later I hope assistance works! It was very hard for me to get "help" and make the 1st call as well...but I have not regretted it yet! Good luck! You're doing the right thing...9 months is long enough to wait.

  7. I think this calls for a ticker countdown! Congrats, Sloper... this is a huge step. While I hope that you won't need it, this appointment is a great thing--it's time to stop fighting alone. You won't regret it! What if one month of meds creates that little piece of paradise for you? Hey, it happened to one girl I know... XOXO.

  8. You know that delightful story the fertiles like to tell us about the women who fill out adoption papers and then immediately get pregnant? I'm going to tell you one about the Sloper who made an appointment with the RE and got knocked up that very same cycle, before she ever saw the doctor. True story. Or...it's about to be!

    Also, I don't know if you're anything like me in this regard, but I always feel like, in any arena, once I get a professional (or some help) on the case, it's a hge weight off my shoulders. So good for you for taking this big step toward getting what you want.

  9. That's awesome, I hope the doctor holds the key to finally getting you that sticky baby you've been waiting for!

  10. Hooray! I'm so glad you have the appointment to look forward to (I hope you don't need it), but as a plan B very soon you'll get answers and you'll have a professional on your side helping you get knocked up.

  11. I know how it feels to make that call, especially after getting pregnant without help the first time. But I do think you'll find huge relief in getting some help. I finally felt like I was off the hook, and let the frickin RE figure it out!! Anyways, fingers still crossed for this cycle but excited the appts are on the calendar!!

  12. i can't help picture you with a gaggle of babies, so i know you're heading in the right direction. goodluck with the RE's appt, but first, have a blast in scandinavia!!

    i saw those elissa hudson prints as well, and told dh we need to get all 4 of them for our nursery. they're beyond adorable!!

  13. I know it's scary and heartbreaking to see that RE appointment on the calendar. But I assure you that after the appointment you will be filled with hope again. I had such a hard time making the decision to see any RE, but now only wish I had done so sooner. You'll see. I know it doesn't make it any easier right this second. And, of course, there is always the dream BFP right before your RE appointment. I'll be hoping.

  14. I'm sorry your cycle is messing with you, but I'm really glad at the concrete steps you've taken! Cornell is wonderful (so is NYU) so it's a win-win situation. I hope the NYU insurance stuff gets smoothed out but for now it's good to know that you have that appointment. There's a lot to be said for taking concrete steps forward (and I hope that very soon they will make you a very Happy Sloper, indeed).

    And, yeah, after a certain amount of time you just can't put yourself through the same ups and downs. It still sucks. But I think you're wise to keep it in perspective.

  15. I understand totally how you feel! My hubby was really pushing to get things moving for us. Part of me wanted to wait until we really hit a full year of "trying." I think I was just scared of all that taking that plunge into real treatment implied - in only in my mind! Now that we are looking at a month on BCPS and then IUI#2 I admit to being glad that we didn't wait any longer to get going. Best of luck!! And I hope you don't even need the appointment!!