A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Sloper Sings the Blues; or, 10 DPO

I'm sad today. Not super-duper, cry-into-my-pillow, refuse-to-get-dressed-all-day sad. More gaze-wistfully-out-the-window-while-heaving-large-sighs sad.

The summer is slipping away and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Everyone's moving forward--mothering their babies, nurturing their pregnancies, deciding to start their families--and I'm here on this treadmill I mistook for a sidewalk, seeing them pass me by. Failing at reproduction. Failing at academia. Failing.

In three months it will be the anniversary of when we conceived the m&m. And in four months, the anniversary of the miscarriage. That sounds so soon, doesn't it? Three months pass so quickly.

I can tell my period is coming. Which is crappy, though I've gotten okay at muddling through that dissatisfaction. But Lawyer Guy's taking it really hard this month, and that hurts more than I ever imagined. We had a fight the other night and I apologized for being a crank, blaming it on my PMS. He cried, which sliced my heart into ribbons. "You hadn't said anything lately about your period so I thought it meant you were pregnant," he said. "I really thought this was our month."

Why am I still here? I remember last July so clearly: taking off for London, convinced we'd conceive our first child in the UK. Beginning to blog with a little embarrassment, positive that I'd have to shut it down after a few entries because of course I'd get pregnant right after I started writing. Explaining to my friends all about basal body thermometers and Taking Charge of Your Fertility (friends who have since gone on to conceive without plotting a single temperature on a single graph). Drinking beer at outdoor bars, determined to take advantage of my last summer without kids. Trying to stay optimistic by assuring myself that This time next year... What? I'd have a kid? I'd at least be pregnant? Starting treatments? Doing something--anything--different than the previous five months?

Still, it's no big deal. I know these feelings will pass. Just another case of the blues.


  1. Aww, that would rip my heart to shreds too, seeing my husband get upset like that.

    I'm sorry today is hard, Sloper. I'm having a rough day too, for no particular reason. Just tired of being here, being knocked down over and over, like you. I hope that next July looks so much different for you.


  2. I'm sorry you're facing another round with AF, I'm still holding out secret hope she is MIA for a while though...nine months would be awesome.

    It would tear me apart to see my husband cry too - I think men have more power than women when it comes to crying. I will stop everything if I see my husband shed a tear.

    *sending lots of hugs and well wishes*

  3. Oh Sloper, it sounds like we are holding hands on side-by-side treadmills. And it SUCKS BIG-TIME.

    I will maintain the hope that you're extra-special blue-sy because maybe just maybe your period isn't coming this time. xo

  4. My husband had a similar "breakdown" a couple of weeks ago when the idea of IVF finally hit him. It hurt my heart more than I could have ever imagined to hear and see him that devastated.

    I'm so sorry you are having a heavy sighs kind of day. I am, too. I wish we lived close so we could sigh together and exchange hugs. Thinking of you and hoping that this is your cycle.

  5. God, I hate those days. I really really never want to ttc again!!! It is such an awful awful experience, completely lacking the drama of worrying that your baby is dead (which is also a positive, of course), but just wearing you down down down down, shredding your dignity, your pride, your sex life, your feelings of self-worth, your ambitions, your joy, your patience... etc. It's totally rotten all the way through-- and the fact that you or any of us who are there or have ben there can even find those moments of joy is a real testament to... our resilience? I don't know. The ability to get by, I guess.

    I do hope that you are wrong about the PMS-- but if you are not, i am really counting down to your RE visit. Because I really think you need to infuse this situation with new hope. You ovulate. There are some sperm, you have at least one unblocked tube. These things mean that you should be getting pregnant, and that if you aren't, there may be a real fixable problem like simply low sperm count or hostile cm or something that could be fixed with an IUI or 2. I am counting on that very strongly. IF you don't get pregnant before then.... my fingers are crossed that you *won't* get to enjoy those schnapps in Scand!!

  6. I'm sorry, Sloper. Sorry it's rough for Lawyer Guy, too. That is rough. Enjoy the rest of your summer as much as you can.....because you and I have good things coming soon, I can feel it.

  7. oh sloper - i'm sooo sorry! it made me sad that lawyer guy cried. he sounds so stoic from your descriptions of him, so he must have really had his hopes up to have gotten like that (here i'm talking like i know him!). it's too easy to forget that the guys are suffering as well. dh has been taking out his anxiety on our upcoming ivf by cleaning the house (it now sparkles ... i swear i can drink water out of the toilet, that's how clean it is) and he insists on grilling our dinners so that i don't have to cook. the only way he feels like he has any control over this is by making sure that i walk into ivf super relaxed, calm and rested. the other day, we were going to bed, and he goes "i really want a baby". ugh, that broke my heart. i'm the one who says that 24/7 and i'm just doing everything in power to get us there!!

    hang in there! i'm still hopeful that you won't need to keep your aug RE appt bc you'll get knocked up with scandy or navi :o)

  8. Ugh.. I really hate that any of us have those days. I know how hard it is to see our sweet guys break down in front of us. It's so heartbreaking that this can't be easier for any of us.
    I hope that tomorrow is a brighter day for you!!

  9. Found your blog via Stirrup Queens blogroll...sorry you're facing another disappointing cycle. I too never would have imagined we would be on this ttc journey for so long, it's so frustrating & maddening at times!

  10. I'm your backup singer. People keep saying how senseless it is to pay attention to the milestones, how you have to just stop thinking in those terms. But how can we? Life, and particularly academic life, is so cyclic. There's no way not to look back and feel so ripped off.

    On the other hand, when you are holding your child some summer evening next year, or the year after, if necessary, I believe you'll be able to look back and be grateful for the experience that made you stronger and braver and more compassionate. That's what I hope for us all.

  11. I'm sorry, Sloper:( The part about your husband really got me. I can see mine doing that. He doesn't ask a lot of questions sometimes...just sort of perennially hopes. And I know what you mean about summer. It's such a precious resource. It's terrible when it slips through your fingers.

    It WILL get better. It WILL. I have no basis for this prognosis, just a strong suspicion. But I hope the tide changes soon.

  12. Aw, Sloper! I'm so sorry hon. It hits me the hardest too when I see my husband getting sad about the whole process. I really hope that AF can stay away. The month I got my bfp, I was certain it was on it's way at any moment and had totally given up. The mind fetus did not kick in at all that month! There's still hope darling.

  13. I thought the same when I started my blog. Ha. I hate being wrong sometimes (ok, most times).
    So sorry that LG was so down. It's hard to see our beloved partners suffer, and the (however useless) thinking that it might be your fault doesn't make it any better.
    Thinking of you, and hoping that you're wrong about the PMS.

  14. Awww, I'm so sorry SS. I so know what you mean when it comes to the hubs, I think that was the worst part of every bust cycle. I could feel my period coming and wrap my head around it, but when it did finally come I had to watch hubby go through it all. He always held out hope.

    Anyways, I SO know how you're feeling...I've been there and have recited those same anniversaries as they approach. I wish there was something I could say, but all I have is it sucks. Dealing with getting pregnant is hard enough, but having those dates in the back of your mind just layers on the pressure. I'm still hopeful for you hun, and sending you lots of love and hugs!!

  15. You are not alone. There are a bunch of us out there with no PG, no hope of getting there without serious medical intervention, and even that might not help.

    it's okay to be depressed.

  16. These are the times when it's good that you are able to talk about your feelings. You are not alone.

  17. I'm so sad that you're hurting right now. I see the milestones too - birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. I've been coping by isolating myself in a little cocoon of denial during this break, but I'm pretty aware of time slipping by while I'm on it. I hope you get through your blues (and pray that they're not PMS-related but rather, the opposite) and get to the other side where it's a little sunnier.

  18. I so understand that standing-still, holding-pattern feeling. I'm so sorry you're feeling it right now. You won't be stuck here forever, though I know it feels like it's already been forever.

    It would shred me to see my husband cry like that too, but I also think it's really sweet that he is so much right there with you. So many men (my sweet hubby included) don't seem to get just how heartbreaking all this is. My husband did cry when I miscarried, but that was the only time throughout these 4 years of TTC angst, when I've cried about it practically every day it seems.

    I hope you are having a better day today.