I'm sad today. Not super-duper, cry-into-my-pillow, refuse-to-get-dressed-all-day sad. More gaze-wistfully-out-the-window-while-heaving-large-sighs sad.
The summer is slipping away and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Everyone's moving forward--mothering their babies, nurturing their pregnancies, deciding to start their families--and I'm here on this treadmill I mistook for a sidewalk, seeing them pass me by. Failing at reproduction. Failing at academia. Failing.
In three months it will be the anniversary of when we conceived the m&m. And in four months, the anniversary of the miscarriage. That sounds so soon, doesn't it? Three months pass so quickly.
I can tell my period is coming. Which is crappy, though I've gotten okay at muddling through that dissatisfaction. But Lawyer Guy's taking it really hard this month, and that hurts more than I ever imagined. We had a fight the other night and I apologized for being a crank, blaming it on my PMS. He cried, which sliced my heart into ribbons. "You hadn't said anything lately about your period so I thought it meant you were pregnant," he said. "I really thought this was our month."
Why am I still here? I remember last July so clearly: taking off for London, convinced we'd conceive our first child in the UK. Beginning to blog with a little embarrassment, positive that I'd have to shut it down after a few entries because of course I'd get pregnant right after I started writing. Explaining to my friends all about basal body thermometers and Taking Charge of Your Fertility (friends who have since gone on to conceive without plotting a single temperature on a single graph). Drinking beer at outdoor bars, determined to take advantage of my last summer without kids. Trying to stay optimistic by assuring myself that This time next year... What? I'd have a kid? I'd at least be pregnant? Starting treatments? Doing something--anything--different than the previous five months?
Still, it's no big deal. I know these feelings will pass. Just another case of the blues.
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
11 months ago