To all my wonderful internet weirdos: Thank you so much for your supportive posts. As much as I tell myself that my mom doesn't understand, it's really hard not to internalize the things she says and start beating myself up for being a self-indulgent mope, a whiny brat, or a defeatist loser. Having you say that I'm okay, you're okay helps immeasurably.
I've been thinking the past few days. I was serving on the jury of that case I told you about, so I had some time to think. Some late mornings at home to cry, hoping my eyelids would de-puff before I made it to the courthouse (but honestly not really caring if they did). I came to a possibly upsetting realization:
I wish I weren't trying to conceive right now.
Ladies, I'm tired. I am so, so tired. This is draining my soul. And the grief over losing my m&m-- a singular, precious individual who will never again appear in this world--is all tied up in anxiety over long cycles and short cycles and irregular cycles and luteal phases and strong temp shifts and weak temp shifts and no temp shifts. I wish I could have had six months to just be sad and not worry about the rest of this shit that's clogging up my life.
But (and there's always a but, right?) I want a baby. I don't want to push off the arrival of that baby any longer than fate and biology have already done for me. I want to give us our best shot at conceiving as quickly as possible, and I know that means pee sticks and temp checks and timed sex.
And truthfully, there were outside factors motivating jumping back into TTC right away. My doctor told me not to wait, for starters (she seemed to think we'd be more fertile post-miscarriage). I thought TTC would help me move on and heal. And then there were the less admirable reasons for trying: I wanted to be pregnant when my SIL gave birth (didn't happen). I wanted to be pregnant by my 30th birthday (12 days away, not happening). I wanted to be pregnant by my EDD (June 26th, unlikely to happen).
I think if we don't get pregnant this month--and based on 9 High readings with no ovulation, I'm feeling rather pessimistic about our chances--I want to take a month off. Still continue with unprotected, regular sex, but take a break from the monitoring and the temping.
Past breaks didn't work. They didn't actually relax me. They also didn't get me pregnant, as I hoped deep down they would. Only the monitor did. But the thought of a little breather from worrying about my ovulation makes me feel happy, so it's probably the right choice.
And then maybe I can stop having so many freaking downer posts on here. Jeez, what happened to me?
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
4 months ago