A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

To All My Weirdos; or, Resolutions, New Year's Unneeded

To all my wonderful internet weirdos: Thank you so much for your supportive posts. As much as I tell myself that my mom doesn't understand, it's really hard not to internalize the things she says and start beating myself up for being a self-indulgent mope, a whiny brat, or a defeatist loser. Having you say that I'm okay, you're okay helps immeasurably.

I've been thinking the past few days. I was serving on the jury of that case I told you about, so I had some time to think. Some late mornings at home to cry, hoping my eyelids would de-puff before I made it to the courthouse (but honestly not really caring if they did). I came to a possibly upsetting realization:

I wish I weren't trying to conceive right now.

Ladies, I'm tired. I am so, so tired. This is draining my soul. And the grief over losing my m&m-- a singular, precious individual who will never again appear in this world--is all tied up in anxiety over long cycles and short cycles and irregular cycles and luteal phases and strong temp shifts and weak temp shifts and no temp shifts. I wish I could have had six months to just be sad and not worry about the rest of this shit that's clogging up my life.

But (and there's always a but, right?) I want a baby. I don't want to push off the arrival of that baby any longer than fate and biology have already done for me. I want to give us our best shot at conceiving as quickly as possible, and I know that means pee sticks and temp checks and timed sex.

And truthfully, there were outside factors motivating jumping back into TTC right away. My doctor told me not to wait, for starters (she seemed to think we'd be more fertile post-miscarriage). I thought TTC would help me move on and heal. And then there were the less admirable reasons for trying: I wanted to be pregnant when my SIL gave birth (didn't happen). I wanted to be pregnant by my 30th birthday (12 days away, not happening). I wanted to be pregnant by my EDD (June 26th, unlikely to happen).

I think if we don't get pregnant this month--and based on 9 High readings with no ovulation, I'm feeling rather pessimistic about our chances--I want to take a month off. Still continue with unprotected, regular sex, but take a break from the monitoring and the temping.

Past breaks didn't work. They didn't actually relax me. They also didn't get me pregnant, as I hoped deep down they would. Only the monitor did. But the thought of a little breather from worrying about my ovulation makes me feel happy, so it's probably the right choice.

And then maybe I can stop having so many freaking downer posts on here. Jeez, what happened to me?


  1. I am hoping you won't need to take that month long break b/c this is your month and you can let out a big sigh of releif- although does that even happen until the baby is born? Probably not. But really, I know what you mean about being tired. This TTC can wear a sister down!

  2. I wish I had some solution or clear-thinking for you. All I can offer is my empathy (been there, done it, it's awful) and a shoulder to cry on and an ear that listens.

    Keep talking about it, please!

  3. I know you're exhausted and discouraged. I so wish that things were different. I want this for you so badly-- not only do I want you to experience the job of pregnancy but also the RELIEF. You know what I'm talking about. *Hugs*

  4. I hope you don't need a month off b/c you get great news this month, but if not, the month off of temping and charting sounds like a good idea. TTC is exhausting - the hoping, stressing, tracking, ugh. It wears on you.

    Hang in there.

  5. *hugs*. i can't imagine having to chart my temps and all that every day. it sounds super stressful, and so i advocate you skipping a month. ttc is supposed to be fun, but with all that you're going through, the fun has gone away, it sounds. why don't you try it, as least as an *experiment*, and see if your spirits lift, being in the "dark" about when you're ovulating. maybe it'll work?

    i hope you have fun fun plans for your bday coming up, and that it won't be similar to how mine was few years ago --> depressed. i was in the worst funk bc all my girlfriends were getting married and having babies, and i had just started dating dh then, so anyone who even wished me a happy birthday got their hand bitten off. don't be a downer like me. i hope you have fun plans to celebrate. think of it as your last bday without baby :o)

  6. I'm keeping everything crossed that the break month is a moot point!! But I do think a month not obessing about all things ttc could do wonders!! And it doesn't mean you're not trying, just giving your mind a break. I like you also had those deadlines looming, and I do think once they past it took the pressure off a bit. Like the deadlines were almost working against me. Although that dang bday deadline is a kicker since it has to come every frickin year....grrr!!!

  7. Sometimes I'm tired and exhausted with all of this while I'm riding the bench. So I can't even imagine how month after month after month wears on you. Like everyone else, I'm hoping this month does prove to be the magic bullet. But if it doesn't, I think your idea to take a break from the monitoring could be helpful and cathartic. Those methods will ALWAYS be there, you can jump right back into it the next month, if need be.

    We share a June deadline for getting knocked up. I have my last college wedding of the circuit June 19 and I have this terrible habit of putting that date on a pedestal. I think it's because a few college girlfriends will be bringing their newborns (it's a more casual weekend on the Chesapeake Bay) and I know it would be easier to play with them and ask all the happy, new-Mom questions if I was pregnant myself.

    At any rate, I totally understand how you're feeling. Hang in there!!!

  8. Based on my obsessive combing of the literature, it looks like the chances of conceiving when having sex multiply during the fertile window are not that much higher than if you only have sex once during the fertile window (40% vs. 30%, not that either of those percentages apply to US, obviously). So why not stop temping (because really, how does temping help??? I don't get it. Temping doesn't predict ovulation, it only tells you when it's TOO LATE to have sex. Wow, helpful!!!) Also, you said you get copious EWCM-- so why not just have sex in about the middle of your EWCM bout? Or you could just have sex once when you get a 'peak' reading. And leave the rest of your sex untimed.

    Anyways, that's *my* current plan. Because I agree that being on a break doesn't really help, but the daily temping really really sucks.

    Or you could just take a break and then move on to IUI?

    I was a total basketcase for months after my last loss, so seriously, be easy on yourself and give yourself time to process and mourn. You deserve it!! It hasn't been that long! You don't need to be 'over it' yet! And I also experienced something like what you seem to be going through-- a period of total misery, followed by a period of relative convalescence, followed by a SECOND wave of misery, months later and when I least expected it. Maybe a third wave of misery is on it's way now, who knows? I'll let you know...

    But seriously--enough with the f*cking thermometer! (Unless it has some mystical purpose of which I am ignorant? Seriously, how does it help you get pregnant? I don't get it, people!!!)

  9. Are there any blogs written by infertile women that are all sunshine and rainbows? If so, let me know so I can hunt them down and KILL THEM. In the meantime, this is a downer situation, so downer posts are highly probable.

    Wow, when you have an epiphany like that, seems important to honor it. I hope you don't need to take a break, but if so, it seems like a wise choice. After all, you can always end it! I realize your situation is trickier because of your cycle, but I second Leslie's point (she's so smart!)-if you have sex three times a week during any weeks that are likely to be fertile (i.e., not during your period or directly after), you're pretty much covered. Right? Anyway, whatever brings you peace is the right choice.

  10. hahaha, your 'storming the cockpit' visual was pretty entertaining. flying is the one area of my life where i'm completely calm. i'm not sure why, bc objectively, that s/b scarier than most other things. i've semi-narcoleptic, bc i'll fall asleep in any moving object. car, train, airplane. on a plane ride back to nyc from vegas last year, i sat down in my seat and passed out before take off. i only woke up 6 hours later as we were landing, and the lady next to me said "i was tempted to check to see if you were still breathing, and whether i should get the flight attendant bc you did not MOVE".

    planes are a normal fear though. mine are just flat out strange. like me.

  11. We took a six month break after our fifth miscarriage. It was kind of an "enforced" break, in that I was starting a new job, and also, I just needed some time. I found that the first couple of months weren't really a break at all, but by the third month, I was feeling "better." I never felt 100% as if we were on a break (I think that's impossible until you have a resolution of some sorts), but it did get more break-like. We took a vacation, got some things done around the house, and just tried to focus our lives on things other than getting pregnant. I honestly think a break has to be longer than just a cycle. This is not to say that you shouldn't take a cycle "off," but it might explain why it hasn't worked well in the past to take off some time. It takes awhile for the brain to unwind.

    In any case, I hope it's a moot point and that you are pregnant with a sticky baby.

  12. Nothing "has happened to you" - you're still you. This stuff is just really, really hard. We've all struggled with it. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

  13. Thoughts from a guy:

    I came across your blog through google alert for Park Slope. I am sorry that you are going through a tough time, but time heals all wounds, it really does. I am sure that you've heard a million crazy things and don't need to hear more, but I will do it anyway.

    Folks that eat a "paleo" diet tend to see an increase in fertility and pregnancies, as far as the crossfit community goes. I know diet sounds nuts, but it's not that crazy. It essentially is to eat natural things that are not processed. The things mankind was designed to eat naturally.things that swam, flew, or ran. Things that fell off of trees or grew out of the ground. I'd get off the bread, pastries, bagels, and pasta, gradually. 1/3 of your plate some kind of animal protein, 2/3 some nice leafy greens. nuts, olive oil, etc. great. Forgive me if I am being annoying. Get outside and enjoy the sun. If you're not, you need to get a lot of vitamin D. ALl that I can tell you is that guys like Robb Wolf, or Mark Sisson will be glad to tell you how many women have benefited from this.

    Anyway I am sorry you went through such a tough thing. You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. It's clear that you have a lot of support, too, you are very lucky.

    Take care,