A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Spontaneously Occurring Mood Swings; or, Turn that Smile Upside Down

It's amazing how fast my mood can turn around.

This morning I was feeling pretty good. I'm only on CD 12, but I'm already getting high readings on the CBEFM and am starting to suspect I might ovulate before day 20. Exciting! Thrilling!

I've been drinking my raspberry leaf tea and I haven't had any spotting yet. Wonderful! Optimistic!

I had a good session at therapy, a great meeting with my adviser, and a Junior League meeting tonight. Productive! Accomplished!

And then I signed on to Facebook when I got home to see that a former fellow volunteer was announcing her pregnancy with a 20-week ultrasound. I've been on the verge of tears for the last hour. I'm jealous as hell, and it's completely unfair of me to be so. This girl is a good six years older than me, had to put off having kids for years because of MS, and had a miscarriage about two months after I did.

I was afraid to call my high school friend on her birthday today because I know she and her husband started TTC in January, and I'm dreading their inevitable announcement.

My cousin had a baby yesterday, and I can't even stand to look at the pictures.

I hate my jealousy and sadness, and I wish I could make it go away.

But more than that, I just want to be pregnant again.


  1. These feelings are all so unfortunately familiar.

  2. facebook is baaaad. i can't log on without seeing one person or another announcing a pregnancy every week. am starting to think i should dwindle down my 300-something friends to *just* the ppl i care about. but in that case, i think i'd have like 5 friends left, so hmmm. still thinking about it.

    we've all had days where jealousy rears its ugly head and it's perfectly normal. i totally get the 'afraid to talk to friends who might be pregnant' thing, bc i'm the same way. and more recently, i've gotten to the point where i worry when i hear about ppl getting *engaged*. bc then i think: omg, she's gonna rush him to the altar, and then they're gonna pop out a baby asap --> then i'll have to hate them forever~! ugh, how twisted is that??

    *KMFC* for you :o)

  3. I know where you are coming from.. so annoying that I feel like I am not really happy for anyone else because I feel so bad for myself. Grrr. Chin up, your day will come before you know it!

  4. I think the only thing you can do to make things better is to not give yourself a hard time over the envy and anger and sadness. You KNOW these are normal reactions, that we all have them, and we can't all be awful people, right? I mean, I totally am, but it's just statistically improbable that all infertile women are! So let that envy roar, 'cause it's not going away, and you deserve to feel ripped off!

  5. I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. The only positive thing with FB announcements is that at least they're not telling you to your face. Those are the ones I have a hard time with. If I can read it and be upset, that's one thing, but if I have to try and conceal my jealousy/sadness/disappointment/whatever in person, that's really difficult.

    HUGS! We're on the same track this month, hopefully we'll get BFPs together!

  6. I hear you. I can be in a perfectly normal mood and then walk by a pregnant woman and then -- bam -- I'm in a pissy mood bemoaning my fate. Just another awesome bonus from IF, I guess. I blame all of the hormones. Makes me feel less crazy.

  7. The fertility fairy is a mean bitch and completely unfair. It's completely natural to get worked up. Babies are freaking everywhere you look. I've found the same problem with FB and now I'm avoiding my SIL for the same reason. I just wish that mood swing had a middle. You either feel great or hopeless. Funny how we used to take "okay" for granted.

    We are almost cycle buddies here! I'm on CD 12 today (but assuming the bad tube side is firing so not optimistic about this month's chances) with my shorter than usual cycles. I'll be pulling for you to get that positive test this month and a nice juicy u/s with healthy baby to blast all over the interwebs in 18 weeks from now.

  8. Yes, I still hate when other people get pregnant. It just seems like further proof of my defectiveness.

    AND I'm with Sienna where I now avoid all people who might potentially be sexually active, so worried am I that they will soon be pregnant. Ha!!! Basically I am now a recluse. THANKS, IF!

    Yes this is total shit, but whatever. Our time is coming. Particularly yours, you-spring-chicken-with-only-one-loss-under-your-belt, you! Not that that's any guarantee, I know. And I know how worried you (justifiably) are. But I have TONS of hope for you. You seem very well poised to pull out of this muck-hole soon.

    Not that that's any comfort, I am sure.... yeah, basically, this sucks. Sorry.