A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

How I Told My Husband; and, The First Doctor's Appt

What an amazingly busy 36 hours I've had! And most of it had nothing to do with this pregnancy. Meetings yesterday, teaching butt-early today, my first post-pregnant appointment at the gyno's, class this evening, and homework--it's 1 AM and I finally have time to update. Phew.

So to begin, how I sprung the big news on my husband! Lawyer Guy works in Lower Manhattan, which is only a 20-minute subway ride from our apartment in Park Slope. He's always asking me to come in and meet him for lunch, and I usually am so busy (or lazy) that I don't. But yesterday, I called him and suggested that since I had to go into Manhattan anyway for a therapy appointment and my Junior League committee meeting, I should meet him by his office for a quick lunch. After some heming and hawing about all the work he has to do (and he has been working incredibly hard on a case the last two months) he agreed. The plan was in motion!

I had figured out how I would do this so long ago, I didn't need to weigh any options. I went down to Brookl.yn Ind.ustries, where they have these cute "Made in Brooklyn" onesies (my husband has gotten very into Brooklyn since we moved her last year). Unfortunately, they only had that particular onesie in the 12-18 month size. Not going to cut it! So I got a navy blue onesie with red piping and red "Brooklyn" letting and the image of a water tower. I've thought for ages that my first kid will be a son--but even if not, I'll put a daughter in navy. I live dangerously.

I asked the cashier for a box to put it in. He only had large, rectangular boxes (the kind you'd put a sweater in if you were giving it as a gift). No problem--it would only add to the deception. I had him put the pee stick in with the onesie (cap on, of course), wrap it all in tissue, and give it to me in a shopping bag.

Then I went into Manhattan and met my husband outside his office. He was surprised to see the shopping bag--I told him that I bought him a gift because he'd been working so hard recently. We went to the A.u B.on Pai.n across the street (so romantic), found a place to sit immediately (I could not wait to let him order food), and I gave him the box. He almost jumped out of his chair when he opened it and saw the pee stick. "Seriously?" he asked. He stared at me for about four minutes straight. Then he kissed me, and I started to cry, and everyone at A.u Bo.n Pai.n wondered what the hell was wrong with the crazy couple in the back.

We talked for about 40 minutes about how I found out, what we were each feeling, what plans we wanted to make, what the next steps were. I had already eaten, but he hadn't--and he could barely get any food down he was so excited! We said goodbye and he went back to work while I took off for my meetings.

Last night I was exhausted. I fell asleep at 10 pm, which I never do. I guess my body just needed the sleep. Good thing, as I was up at 6:30 this morning to go teach.

Then, this afternoon, my husband and I went to my doctor's office. My doctor started laughing at me as soon as she walked in the door, since I'd just e-mailed her the week before freaking out about my inability to become pregnant--not realizing I was pregnant at the time (it was a bad week). We knew it would be too early to see anything, but she didn't an internal u/s anyway. She confirmed that I am definitely pregnant, though it is still very early. She pointed a little dark blotch that she is pretty sure is the sac formation--my husband is calling it the M&M (since we had always referred to any unconceived babies as our jellybeans). She gave me a prenatal vitamin scrip (which I dropped off at a pharmacy uptown and forgot to pick up) and told me I should eat whenever I feel hungry. "If you feel like eating the whole cake, eat the whole cake," she said. I will try very hard not to eat the whole cake--or the whole cow, since I am craving red meat like whoa and like damn.

My doctor warned me not to get too "psychologically attached" to the pregnancy yet, since it's early and anything could happen. I know that. I know it's possibly short-sighted of me to take such wholehearted glee in this. And I've begun to worry a bit in the last 12 or so hours. But there's nothing I can do to keep this pregnancy going except eat and drink water and avoid motorcycle gangs that like to punch women in the lower abdomen. So I might as well enjoy it, right? Tomorrow will be tomorrow. Right now I'm pregnant.

There was an embarrassing incident at the end of the appointment. Because I'm so early, she wanted to do a blood draw and test my hCG level. I've mentioned my anxiety issues on this blog before--I'm not only a chronic worrier and procrastinator and seriously afraid of flying. I'm also phobic of needles. And not just any needles. Shots are fine. I don't like them, but I can do them. I even used to do electrolysis. I'm not afraid of needle-poking pain.

I am seriously psychologically upset, however, by needles staying inside my body for more than a second. So having blood drawn really bothers me--it generally makes me throw up in distress. And IVs--forget it. Still half-under from general anesthesia, I will be clawing that thing off my hand as I come to. I'm more scared about having an IV in my arm when I'm admitted to the hospital than I am of giving birth.

I really tried to keep it together for the blood draw. I didn't watch; I held my husband's hand; I tried to talk and think about other things. And I also had a full-blown panic attack that nearly culminated in me fainting. As I was hyperventilating and as my lips, fingers, toes, and chest went completely cold and numb, the nurse took the needle back out without having drawn any blood.

My doctor is SO sweet. She and the nurse got me a blanket and made me some tea and helped me get my breathing under control until I didn't feel faint any longer. And the upshot is, they didn't get a blood sample so I'm going back in at the same time next week instead of two weeks later so she can do another u/s and check on the embryonic development.

When I switch to the OB (after we hear the heartbeat) they'll have to do a full blood work up. So that gives me a few weeks to figure out how to woman-up and stop being such a loon. My therapist has her work cut out for her.


  1. "Eat, drink water & avoid motorcycle gangs who like to punch women in the lower abdomen." Ha!! Great advice for any pregnant lady.

    Listen, I hate that your gyn told you not to get attached at this point. You should be thrilled, excited-- The last thing a pregnant women needs to hear is a reminder of what could happen... as if we wouldn't be thinking about it already. Most likely, all will be fine!!

    Try your best not to worry (as someone who suffers from anxiety, I'm chuckling as I type this), enjoy this time and celebrate your wholehearted glee!!!

    Who's up next? Telling family and friends yet or waiting a little while?

  2. Thanks, Stef :) I know, I have to work to push the anxiety away and just remember "I'm pregnant today, I'm pregnant today."

    I'll post tomorrow about our plans for telling--after I grade these 75 student papers I'm slogging my way through. I swear, if I catch one more freaking plagiarizer...