A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Do or Die Time; or, Letting Hope Live

I'm 15dpo and I don't see or smell any blood. Unless my period starts some time today (which it could and probably will), I'm going to test tomorrow morning when I wake up.

I'm really scared to test. It doesn't make sense, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I've started to think this might be...it (I can't even write the words).

And I like feeling this hopeful feeling. I could hardly sleep last night, and I woke up at 6:30 am. I kept tossing and turning in bed, imagining how I would tell my family and my friends if what I hope comes true.

The thought of looking at another negative test makes me feel sick.

I want to hold on to my hope a little longer.


  1. I want this for you, so badly...

    I've kind of given up on this cycle. I feel like, until I hear from the doc and start whatever meds are needed, there's no point in even trying.

    So, I've transferred all my hopes to you because every month since March, I've been right there with you getting more and more discouraged.

    Nothing would give me more hope for myself than to see you with a BFP!

  2. Oh, you've honestly made me cry with this comment. Knowing that you care so much means a lot. And I have SO much hope for you, too. Don't give up. You're doing everything you can by visiting your doctor and it's going to yield good things, I'm sure of it.

    Thanks for the support. It has helped immeasurably in a very tough month and will help even more if tomorrow is a sad day.