November Showers; or, Time with Friends and Family

I threw my best friend her baby shower on Saturday. My mother and I did it together, and for a while last week, I was desperately afraid that I'd be hosting this shower while anticipating a miscarriage. I would have done it, because this is my best friend since childhood who I never see, and she deserves it. But it would have been a kind of pain that I'm afraid to even imagine.

As it turned out, I was able to host the shower in a much different state of mind. My parents knew about the pregnancy, so my mom was really sweet to me all weekend, making sure that I ate and rested and took care of myself. And my best friend also knew--and knew about all our fears and worries of last week--so she, too, was a great source of comfort. She reassured me that even though the doctor wants us to have another u/s this week, everything sounds great and normal to her (my bf is a doctor, as well as pregnant herself, so I take her medical advice with more trust that I would most of my friends').

In all, it was a really nice weekend. Nice to see my friend get so many nice presents to welcome her little boy when he comes in January or February. Nice to spend time with my family and people I love. Nice to be away from the city, from job and school stress, and from the worries that have bedeviled us these past few days. And nice to have other people know what we've been going through.

The one not nice thing: I was horribly sick on Friday and Saturday. I puked three times in the car on the drive down to my parents' Friday night, and Saturday I puked about eight or nine times from the afternoon to right before I went to bed. I also made the terrible error in judgment of eating a carton of raspberries and a carton of blueberries at midnight after vomiting so I'd have something in my stomach. They burned like hell on the way back up ten minutes later.

I've noticed that my morning sickness isn't in the morning at all--it starts about mid-afternoon and is at its worst around dinner time. In the mornings I feel fine! As hard as it is to puke so much, I am so grateful this baby is giving me trouble and causing me symptoms.

Please be healthy and strong on Wednesday little baby!

Emotionally Drained; or, Still Hanging In There

This has been the most emotionally exhausting 24 hours of my life. I apologize for leaving you (or just Stef, if you're the only reader) hanging, but I needed to process and deal with my emotions and fears before I could post.

We went in to my gynecologist's yesterday at 4:30. My doctor performed an exam first and found the cervix closed, so she said the blood had not come from my uterus. Then she did an u/s. Almost immediately, we saw the embryo--big and totally obvious. My husband gripped my hand with relief. I felt oddly detached. And then she said, "Let me just find the heart beat. Hmm, I can't find the heart beat."

She referred us to a diagnostic sonography place for today. She said she gave our chances at a viable pregnancy at 50-50. She spoke a little bit about our "options" if the pregnancy wasn't viable. But then she stopped herself. "Don't think about it any more tonight," she said. "Just go home and rest. We don't know what's going on yet."

My poor husband had almost fainted when he heard her say there was no heartbeat. Literally, he had to go lie down in another exam room (Can you tell we're cut from the same anxious cloth?). I felt numb and calm. We left the office together around 5:30 and began walking down 2nd Avenue.

Our close friends had given birth the day before and were in a hospital 30 or 40 blocks south of my doctor's. We had planned to visit them after the appointment to meet the baby, but at that point we didn't know what to do. I suggested we just walk for a while. While we were walking, I called the other doctor's office and set up an appointment for this morning at 8:30.

After I made the appointment, all my fear hit me. I started crying, gripping my husband's hand. At the same time, I was aware more than ever of how much I loved him and how grateful I was to have him at that time.

We walked, and sometimes I cried, and sometimes I didn't. We decided to visit our friends--who suffered a miscarriage about 2 years ago, then tried for over a year afterward before conceiving this child. We are both so unadulteratedly happy for them, it seemed like the right, unselfish thing to do. And the visit was good. For a little while, I put what was going on out of my mind and just felt happy for two people I care a lot about and their very cute little baby boy.

And then we went home. And I fell apart. Sobbing, vomiting, I was a mess. I wound up calling my mom and I spoke with her and my dad for about an hour. They were comforting, reminding me that we can't know God's plans for us and just have to trust in him. And that hardship comes to every life, but that I'm strong and will survive it. My mom said she would go to morning mass for me today.

We fell into an exhausted sleep at 10, and then I woke to pee at 2 am--I didn't sleep again until 4 or 5, waking for good at 6. I puked all morning and cried into my tea as I got ready for the drive back into Manhattan.

Even though my doctor had given us 50-50 odds, I felt like they were 90-10. I was sure this was not a viable pregnancy. I sobbed the entire car ride to the office. I imagined how difficult hosting my best friend's baby shower tomorrow would be, and attending my husband's family wedding the following weekend in California, and getting through Thanksgiving and Christmas. I felt heartbroken. But I also knew I'd be able to survive whatever came.

We had our ultrasound with the doppler. It lasted forever, at least 10 minutes, and was actually painful by the end of it. The u/s tech didn't say anything throughout. She had told us she wouldn't, but she spent so long looking at everything, I was certain she was searching fruitlessly for signs of life. She stopped the exam then, went to find the doctor, came back and said, "I see an embryo. And I see a heart beat."

My husband started to cry. I just felt--nothing. Not sadness, not joy, not even relief. Nothing. Tired. Spent.

We met with the doctor after I dressed. He was concerned that we were measuring two weeks behind based on my last menstrual period. I tried to explain that I always have longer than average cycles and this cycle I ovulated especially late. Even so, he wants us back next week to check on the progress.

And he told us the heart rate. 92.

I came home and ate McDonald's with my husband and slept for two hours.

I feel like I've had a stay of execution. I feel released. I don't feel happy or sad right now. Just peaceful. The baby is still alive for now and that's a good sign. I honestly did not expect to get this news today. So it's enough for now.

Though my cervix is letting me know it did not appreciate 2 vaginal ultrasounds in as many days.

Still Spotting

This makes the fourth day. It was a little heavier last night than it has been. It's still brown (ranging from dark to light) and still accompanied by cramps. Both the spotting and the cramping are intermittent.

I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor again. I'm praying that God will keep my baby safe. I'm trying not to cry too much, trying to get some work done before class this afternoon.

I'm reminding myself to be thankful I'm pregnant at all. But I'm really scared.

Something Scary; or, A Little Bit Pregnant?

Over the weekend, I had my first real scare with this pregnancy.

I went to pee on Saturday night around 2 am and found a swipe of very light brown on the paper after wiping. I panicked. I went back to bed and lay there, tossing and turning, crying quietly to myself. The Lawyer was asleep--he hasn't been sleeping well lately because of insomnia due to anxiety/excitement, but he took a sleeping pill that night-- and I didn't want to wake him. So I just lay there for hours, imagining worst case scenarios and periodically getting up to check on the spotting (which didn't come back that night). My parents were in Maine for parents' weekend at my younger sister's college--I pictured myself calling them to tell them to stop off in Brooklyn on the way back down to Philadelphia, pictured myself telling them about the pregnancy after it was gone. I thought about the baby shower I'm throwing for my best friend next weekend and wondered how I would get through it. I was not in a good place.

I finally managed to get an hour or so of sleep, then woke around 6 am thanks to daylight savings time. I went to bathroom again and found more spotting--still faint, still brown. I told my husband what was going on and we called my doctor's answering service and left a message for her.

I was sick that morning. I don't know how much was due to stress and lack of sleep and how much was due to morning sickness. I lay on the bathroom floor feeling awful and waiting for the phone to ring.

My doctor called around 9 am and reassured me. She said this was fine and normal and likely caused by dehydration (as were my cramps). She told me to rest for the day, avoid exercise and sex, and drink lots of water. She said not to worry unless there's lots of blood, "heavier than a period."

I felt better after speaking with her. I made it through the rest of the day lying on the couch, snacking on saltines, sleeping, and working on homework. And I feel okay today, even though I'm still spotting a bit now and then.

We have four days left until we tell my parents about the baby and just over 1 week until our next u/s at 7 weeks 4 days. Those milestones are so close, but I know that so much can happen in an instant. I really want to enjoy the first trimester, but I also really want to move on to a more secure stage. I want to feel like I'm definitely, absolutely pregnant. Not just provisionally.

Dog Tired; or, My Nursery Dreams

I'm supposed to be working my tail off on an overdue paper, but my exhaustion is kicking in and sending me to sleep every time I try to get some work done. So I'm taking a study break to show off some of the ideas I have for the nursery.

The Lawyer and I decided to wait until the birth to learn the baby's sex-- I want a gender neutral nursery and accessories anyway, and it just seems like such a fun surprise. Plus, it should cut down on familial pressure to find out the names ahead of time. So, that being said, here is the nursery plan for a boy or a girl.

I've wanted cafe au lait or cappuccino-colored nursery walls for a long time. I think that's a color that will coordinate well with pink accents or navy accents. Our second bedroom is rather dark, so we want something light for the walls. And I want the room to have a relaxing, restful feel.

I also love green, particularly sage green. So imagine my delight when I discovered this bedding pattern at Restorati.on Hardw.are Baby&Child!

I love the color contrast of light brown and green

RH also has a matching rug and wall paint (called Toast) in the exact color palette as the bedding. So put together, the whole look would be something like this:

We'll paint the walls that toast color, use the toast and silver sage dot rug, and the polka dot bedding in that colorway. Then, we'll bring in more green with the curtains, most likely in this colorway:

Finally, for the crib I'm considering the Argington bam bassinet/crib system (which also has a toddler bed conversion). It has a matching wardrobe and dresser that we would also probably get (and I'd use a changing pad set-up on top of the dresser instead of a full changing table). It has a trundle underneath for extra storage, is made of sustainable wood, and costs a lot less than other fancy, modern-looking cribs.

I'd also want a traditional glider in dark wood with cream cushions. I don't know what kind of wall art we'll use-- my husband and I chatted about a puppy theme. That would bring our first "baby," our fluffy pup Bella, into the room and would work for a child of either gender. Then if we had a girl we could add subtle pink accents--pillows for the glider, a lampshade, perhaps a toy chest--after the birth (or a do similar things in navy for a boy). And there's so much great nursery art available on etsy and other online retailers. In a quick afternoon search I found all of these:



Aren't they adorable?

Ultrasound Update; or, "Baby's" "First" "Picture"

My husband and I had our second appointment with my gynecologist yesterday. In the past week, the m&m has gone from a tiny, barely distinguishable black smudge on the ultrasound to a round silver dollar shape.

We didn't see anything inside the gestational sac--no yolk sac or fetal pole--so my doctor couldn't definitively date the pregnancy and we don't know if the embryo is developing normally. But it's still so early, as she pointed out, that we wouldn't expect to see those things yet. She seemed pleased with the development in the last week, although still cautious.

I'll post the ultrasound scans below. My husband and I can't stop looking at the print outs and smiling. I'm amused at the fact that we love this picture so much when no part of our future child is actually visible in it! So, not really a first picture of a baby, but the closest thing we have to that right now.

We go back to the doctor in two weeks, on Wednesday Nov, 11. I'll be about 7 1/2 weeks at that point, so we will most likely see a fetus and heartbeat if there's anything to see. These next two weeks will pass so slowly. I can't wait to get the reassurance of those images and see the picture of my developing baby. And I'm so scared about what could happen in the meantime.

One Week; or, Joy and Fear

I found out about this pregnancy one week ago today. These seven days have progressed so slowly, but so happily. I think about this baby all the time, and dream about him or her. I've mentally decorated and redecorated the nursery about twenty times. I'm drinking as much water as I can hold and trying to take pleasure in every back ache, cramp, exhausted night, and disgusting cystic zit that just won't go away.

I'm also thankful every day I see no spotting or feel a symptom. And I'm nervous every time I read another "Please remove me from June/May/April Mamas" post on The Bump's 1st Tri board. A friend of friends on facebook posted a picture of her digital pregnancy test about two weeks ago. Over the weekend, she had to make an announcement that the pregnancy was no more.

My husband is taking our doctor's advice very much to heart and trying to keep a little distance from the baby until he feels more secure about the progress. This doesn't mean he's keeping distance from me AT ALL--just that he's trying to avoid too much future-talk until after our appointment tomorrow.

I'm so excited to have another peek at the baby and to see what's going on in there and learn how we're coming along and what to do next. And I'm scared that we'll get bad news, that we'll lose this dream just when it seems the closest.

It's early. I'm just over five weeks. That's so early.

But I know that the odds are things will be fine.

So I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Every day I'm pregnant is a good day.

My Opera Date; or, High on Hormones

I have a confession to make. I don't care whether this baby turns out to be a boy or a girl. I have my suspicions about which it might be, but I don't actually have a preference any longer. But if it's at all possible, I would like to specify my choice for this baby's future profession. I want to give birth to an opera singer.

One of my little luxuries is a Young Associate membership to the Metropolitan Opera. I see about 6 productions a year. I started going regularly six years ago--with my old roommate--after we'd both graduated from college.

I love the opera so much. And I feel so lucky that I get to see international superstars a mere taxi-ride from my house. My husband is not an opera buff (to put it mildly) so I only force him to attend once a year with me, and this year I'm giving him the season off. I usually go either alone or with any of a rotating cycle of friends.

Last night, I took the m&m to its first opera. It was Strauss's Der Rosenkavalier. I'd shockingly never seen this before, though I was familiar with the famous concluding female trio. It was spectacular! Renee Flemming and Susan Graham were the Marschallin and Octavian, and they were heartbreakingly beautiful.

I was feeling close to tears all day without having any reason other than hormones for it. I was quite happy and content even as I could feel salt-water pressure behind my nose. So at the opera, I really lost it. And this is a comedy! But there are moments of such poignant beauty, particularly at the end, that the tears just rolled down my face.

I felt so conscious of the fact that I wasn't really alone, even if no one else knew it, including the m&m. I have at least four more productions to see this season, the last one in May. I can't wait to watch the baby's progress through the shows and see if it likes and responds to the music by the end.

I hope this is something I can share with my child all through our lives. I hope one day when someone asks my child, "What was your first opera," he or she can say, "Der Rosenkavalier."

How I Told My Husband; and, The First Doctor's Appt

What an amazingly busy 36 hours I've had! And most of it had nothing to do with this pregnancy. Meetings yesterday, teaching butt-early today, my first post-pregnant appointment at the gyno's, class this evening, and homework--it's 1 AM and I finally have time to update. Phew.

So to begin, how I sprung the big news on my husband! Lawyer Guy works in Lower Manhattan, which is only a 20-minute subway ride from our apartment in Park Slope. He's always asking me to come in and meet him for lunch, and I usually am so busy (or lazy) that I don't. But yesterday, I called him and suggested that since I had to go into Manhattan anyway for a therapy appointment and my Junior League committee meeting, I should meet him by his office for a quick lunch. After some heming and hawing about all the work he has to do (and he has been working incredibly hard on a case the last two months) he agreed. The plan was in motion!

I had figured out how I would do this so long ago, I didn't need to weigh any options. I went down to Brookl.yn Ind.ustries, where they have these cute "Made in Brooklyn" onesies (my husband has gotten very into Brooklyn since we moved her last year). Unfortunately, they only had that particular onesie in the 12-18 month size. Not going to cut it! So I got a navy blue onesie with red piping and red "Brooklyn" letting and the image of a water tower. I've thought for ages that my first kid will be a son--but even if not, I'll put a daughter in navy. I live dangerously.

I asked the cashier for a box to put it in. He only had large, rectangular boxes (the kind you'd put a sweater in if you were giving it as a gift). No problem--it would only add to the deception. I had him put the pee stick in with the onesie (cap on, of course), wrap it all in tissue, and give it to me in a shopping bag.

Then I went into Manhattan and met my husband outside his office. He was surprised to see the shopping bag--I told him that I bought him a gift because he'd been working so hard recently. We went to the A.u B.on Pai.n across the street (so romantic), found a place to sit immediately (I could not wait to let him order food), and I gave him the box. He almost jumped out of his chair when he opened it and saw the pee stick. "Seriously?" he asked. He stared at me for about four minutes straight. Then he kissed me, and I started to cry, and everyone at A.u Bo.n Pai.n wondered what the hell was wrong with the crazy couple in the back.

We talked for about 40 minutes about how I found out, what we were each feeling, what plans we wanted to make, what the next steps were. I had already eaten, but he hadn't--and he could barely get any food down he was so excited! We said goodbye and he went back to work while I took off for my meetings.

Last night I was exhausted. I fell asleep at 10 pm, which I never do. I guess my body just needed the sleep. Good thing, as I was up at 6:30 this morning to go teach.

Then, this afternoon, my husband and I went to my doctor's office. My doctor started laughing at me as soon as she walked in the door, since I'd just e-mailed her the week before freaking out about my inability to become pregnant--not realizing I was pregnant at the time (it was a bad week). We knew it would be too early to see anything, but she didn't an internal u/s anyway. She confirmed that I am definitely pregnant, though it is still very early. She pointed a little dark blotch that she is pretty sure is the sac formation--my husband is calling it the M&M (since we had always referred to any unconceived babies as our jellybeans). She gave me a prenatal vitamin scrip (which I dropped off at a pharmacy uptown and forgot to pick up) and told me I should eat whenever I feel hungry. "If you feel like eating the whole cake, eat the whole cake," she said. I will try very hard not to eat the whole cake--or the whole cow, since I am craving red meat like whoa and like damn.

My doctor warned me not to get too "psychologically attached" to the pregnancy yet, since it's early and anything could happen. I know that. I know it's possibly short-sighted of me to take such wholehearted glee in this. And I've begun to worry a bit in the last 12 or so hours. But there's nothing I can do to keep this pregnancy going except eat and drink water and avoid motorcycle gangs that like to punch women in the lower abdomen. So I might as well enjoy it, right? Tomorrow will be tomorrow. Right now I'm pregnant.

There was an embarrassing incident at the end of the appointment. Because I'm so early, she wanted to do a blood draw and test my hCG level. I've mentioned my anxiety issues on this blog before--I'm not only a chronic worrier and procrastinator and seriously afraid of flying. I'm also phobic of needles. And not just any needles. Shots are fine. I don't like them, but I can do them. I even used to do electrolysis. I'm not afraid of needle-poking pain.

I am seriously psychologically upset, however, by needles staying inside my body for more than a second. So having blood drawn really bothers me--it generally makes me throw up in distress. And IVs--forget it. Still half-under from general anesthesia, I will be clawing that thing off my hand as I come to. I'm more scared about having an IV in my arm when I'm admitted to the hospital than I am of giving birth.

I really tried to keep it together for the blood draw. I didn't watch; I held my husband's hand; I tried to talk and think about other things. And I also had a full-blown panic attack that nearly culminated in me fainting. As I was hyperventilating and as my lips, fingers, toes, and chest went completely cold and numb, the nurse took the needle back out without having drawn any blood.

My doctor is SO sweet. She and the nurse got me a blanket and made me some tea and helped me get my breathing under control until I didn't feel faint any longer. And the upshot is, they didn't get a blood sample so I'm going back in at the same time next week instead of two weeks later so she can do another u/s and check on the embryonic development.

When I switch to the OB (after we hear the heartbeat) they'll have to do a full blood work up. So that gives me a few weeks to figure out how to woman-up and stop being such a loon. My therapist has her work cut out for her.

Lucky Number Seven

I just took my test this morning. I just heard the timer I set (for 8 minutes) go off and went back into the bathroom to see. It's positive! Clear as day, the two biggest pink lines I've ever seen.

My hands are shaking, and I'm crying as I type this. I can't believe it. I never thought I would see those two lines. Even as my period was late, and the spotting didn't come, even as I started to think this might be the cycle, I STILL couldn't picture myself actually happy after testing.

But they did show up. And I'm pregnant. PREGNANT!

I peed into a cup this morning when I woke up and hid it in the bathroom to test after my husband left--gross but devious, and I REALLY wanted to surprise him with the announcement if I was positive or spare him the disappointment if it wasn't. There's no way I could have hidden this joy from him.

Oh God, I'm still shaking. I can't believe this is real. I still feel like I'm about to get my period! This is so amazing.

A quick run down of my symptoms:
7 dpo: Dull, lower backache (right above my tail bone) that grew stronger if I sat for a few hours at a time. I also became RAVENOUSLY hungry. I inhaled a ramekin of mac and cheese in about three minutes.
8 dpo-12 dpo: Normal pms symptoms (cramps, bloating, weepiness, swollen tender boobs, loose stools). Nothing out of the ordinary. I actually got really depressed and gave up hope.
13 dpo: I realized that my skin was completely clear and a little dry. It's usually oily before AF, and I get at least one unattractive pimple.
14 dpo: My boobs shrank a bit while getting more tender. My cramps decreased and my bloating went down.
15 dpo: I could not stop eating all day.

I have so much hope and good wishes for the women of The Bump Getting Pregnant board right now, especially StefB at Baby Blakely. You'll get your BFP too, Stef, I'm sure of it. And I will be SO happy for you when you do.

I'm off to put together my surprise for my husband and get some homework done. And I'm going to carry my pee stick around with me all day!