Here We Go Again... [UPDATED]

Those were the words I woke my husband with at 4 am after waking to pee and seeing this (forgive the terrible cell phone pictures):

Yes, I took two tests. The first (up top) is my last remaining test from the March '09 stash; the second is a FRER that a message board friend sent several months ago. As the first test is only days away from expiring in February, I thought I needed some back-up.

I broke every single one of my rules. I didn't wait until my period was late to test (I'm 15 dpiui and last time I started spotting mid-afternoon on day 15); I sat on the bathroom floor and watched the tests change rather than set the timer and leave the room (it was 4 am, what was I going to do?); I woke Lawyer Guy up and told him right then and there rather than planning some elaborate surprise as I did with the first pregnancy.

I'm calling Dr. W's office in a half-hour or so when they open, and then I'm going in for betas. If I had to describe the way I feel right now, it would be "cautious." Not cautiously optimistic or cautiously hopeful. Just cautious. This is like walking across black ice: You measure each step carefully, feeling your way across the slippery surface, because letting yourself think two or three steps further will send you flat on your butt.

I really, really don't want to fall on my butt again. So when LG asked me this morning if we could get a little excited and start daydreaming, I told him I'm not ready. I know how hard it will be, but I'm going to try to focus on the same things that got me through what's already come of this cycle: writing, reading, studying, teaching, friends. Then, if this doesn't work out, I'll at least have something under me to fall onto.

[UPDATE]: First betas are in. 225 at 15 dpiui. I go back Monday.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Lucky Number Seven

I just took my test this morning. I just heard the timer I set (for 8 minutes) go off and went back into the bathroom to see. It's positive! Clear as day, the two biggest pink lines I've ever seen.

My hands are shaking, and I'm crying as I type this. I can't believe it. I never thought I would see those two lines. Even as my period was late, and the spotting didn't come, even as I started to think this might be the cycle, I STILL couldn't picture myself actually happy after testing.

But they did show up. And I'm pregnant. PREGNANT!

I peed into a cup this morning when I woke up and hid it in the bathroom to test after my husband left--gross but devious, and I REALLY wanted to surprise him with the announcement if I was positive or spare him the disappointment if it wasn't. There's no way I could have hidden this joy from him.

Oh God, I'm still shaking. I can't believe this is real. I still feel like I'm about to get my period! This is so amazing.

A quick run down of my symptoms:
7 dpo: Dull, lower backache (right above my tail bone) that grew stronger if I sat for a few hours at a time. I also became RAVENOUSLY hungry. I inhaled a ramekin of mac and cheese in about three minutes.
8 dpo-12 dpo: Normal pms symptoms (cramps, bloating, weepiness, swollen tender boobs, loose stools). Nothing out of the ordinary. I actually got really depressed and gave up hope.
13 dpo: I realized that my skin was completely clear and a little dry. It's usually oily before AF, and I get at least one unattractive pimple.
14 dpo: My boobs shrank a bit while getting more tender. My cramps decreased and my bloating went down.
15 dpo: I could not stop eating all day.

I have so much hope and good wishes for the women of The Bump Getting Pregnant board right now, especially StefB at Baby Blakely. You'll get your BFP too, Stef, I'm sure of it. And I will be SO happy for you when you do.

I'm off to put together my surprise for my husband and get some homework done. And I'm going to carry my pee stick around with me all day!