A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year

"Visualize a being you are responsible for," she said.

I thought of my m&m--a little pink shrimp curled around its own tail with big black spots for eyes, safe in a gelatin sac.

"Think of something you can do for this being. Some way you can improve your care of it."

Hope, I thought. I can have hope.

I breathed in (baby) and breathed out (hope). I'm not very flexible and I'm not very strong, so sometimes I thought more about my body, more about the pain of the stretch or the stiffness of the joints, than about my breath. But whenever I remembered, I breathed in (baby) and breathed out (hope).

Lying on my back in the dark, eyes closed, the room still, the m&m floated through my interior vision, a crystal champagne bubble on a field of black.

"And now, let that image go."

The sac drifted away, melted into darkness. I felt my cheeks wet, but I didn't try to keep it with me, to hold it back from where it needed to go.

Goodbye.

Hello.

5 comments:

  1. Saying goodbye never means you have to forget.
    Hello 2010.

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  2. ((hugs)) That sounds like a very powerful yoga class.

    On to 2010 and all of the joy I know you are going to find in this year!!

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  3. That is beautiful. I am glad you have found some peace.

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  4. Just happened on this one looking over the Creme list for 2009. This is gorgeous Sloper. Very moving.

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