A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year

"Visualize a being you are responsible for," she said.

I thought of my m&m--a little pink shrimp curled around its own tail with big black spots for eyes, safe in a gelatin sac.

"Think of something you can do for this being. Some way you can improve your care of it."

Hope, I thought. I can have hope.

I breathed in (baby) and breathed out (hope). I'm not very flexible and I'm not very strong, so sometimes I thought more about my body, more about the pain of the stretch or the stiffness of the joints, than about my breath. But whenever I remembered, I breathed in (baby) and breathed out (hope).

Lying on my back in the dark, eyes closed, the room still, the m&m floated through my interior vision, a crystal champagne bubble on a field of black.

"And now, let that image go."

The sac drifted away, melted into darkness. I felt my cheeks wet, but I didn't try to keep it with me, to hold it back from where it needed to go.




  1. Saying goodbye never means you have to forget.
    Hello 2010.

  2. ((hugs)) That sounds like a very powerful yoga class.

    On to 2010 and all of the joy I know you are going to find in this year!!

  3. That is beautiful. I am glad you have found some peace.

  4. Just happened on this one looking over the Creme list for 2009. This is gorgeous Sloper. Very moving.