A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Ring Out the Old; or, Ring in the New

As the heavy haze of anguish started to lessen a little in the days after learning we'd lost the m&m, I turned to my favorite activity: mathematical calculations. Now, don't get me wrong, I am no mathlete. I didn't even make it past pre-Calc in high school (my talents lie in more literary directions). But TTC for--jeez, is it 10 months now?--has turned me into something of a human abacus, if everything you need calculated comes in increments of 9.

So, I started adding: one week + four-to-eight weeks + 18-to-24 days = no chance of getting pregnant again this year. Awesome. I felt sad, defeated, useless and empty. No 2009 pregnancy left for me. No babies in 2009.

Well, fuck 2009. What did it ever do for me, anyway?

So in honor of 2010--which I have determined will be the Awesome Year of Hope and Achievement--I'm doing a series of blog posts about New Years. I'm looking forward to that day in a way that has nothing to do with balls dropping, corks popping, or kisses at midnight (though I will enjoy a few of those, I'm sure). I'm ready to clean out the muck of sadness, anxiety, and inadequacy that bedeviled me all year. I'm ready to make things new.

Stay tuned for: 2009: The Year of Suck


  1. Love it, "The Year of Suck." I would call 2007 THAT year for me.

  2. Ever since TTC, I've become increasingly interested in math-- like you said, increments of nine.

    The problem is that my cycles are so unpredictable, I can't ever count on when the next cycle is coming, when I'll ovulate, etc.

    I so hoped to make my husband a dad in his 40th year... now I'm just hoping we can get pregnant by the time he turns 41...

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  4. I hate thinking in terms of 2 weeks. 2 weeks to O, 2 weeks to find out if I am pg. ugh it does feel like the last 6 months since we started trying have flown by since ttc is all I have been focusing on.

    I am hopeful for 2010 too. We have alot going on in the next month (friends visiting, traveling out of town, holidays) so hopefully that will be a distraction..

  5. Just thinking about your post again so I decided to pop back over...

    The Year of Suck. Yeah! Fuck 2009!!

    Like you said, 2010 will be the year of Awesome Year of Hope & Achievement.

  6. Stef, that year was a bad egg. It just took us, oh, 12 months to realize :)