A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What Dreams May Come; or, Alone and Afraid

I've been struggling these past few days without my Lawyer Guy, I have to admit. The first night he was gone, I was beset by terrible nightmares for hours. I've never had a dream like this--I would wake up to pee or to flop over in bed, catch my breath in amazement that I had only been dreaming and none of it was real, feel Smudgie thump me reassuringly, go back to sleep...and continue the nightmare right where I left off!!!

Smudgie was stillborn in my dream. I was at a hospital, wandering around and talking to a friend (who is in real life pregnant with a boy after IVF and due a few weeks after me). She had just given birth and was telling me about it when I suddenly realized that I had never finished giving birth to Smudgie. He or she was hanging out of my body as I walked around. I reached down and pulled Smudgie out and wrapped him or her in a blanket and looked at the waxen little face and tightly closed eyes. I then ran around the hospital desperately searching for the NICU, trying to find anyone who would help us. I finally found a nurse who told me he was dead--and a boy.

I was shaking when I woke up from that dream at 4am, disorientated and adrift, but Smudgie's kicks helped me fall back asleep.

And then for the rest of the night, I kept dreaming. I was wandering around dark city streets, waiting at a bus stop, crying because my baby was gone. I was at a party with LG's family at a huge hotel, trying to find a space to be alone and sob over the loss of my child while everyone around me celebrated. Toward morning, Smudgie's thumps must have infiltrated my dream-consciousness because even in sleep I could feel them. They became part of the dream, a refusal to accept that my baby was gone when I could feel him or her.

Finally at around 6:45 am, I hauled myself out of bed. I was exhausted from the terrible night's sleep but I was afraid to dream anymore. As soon as I got up, I started sobbing and shaking, completely overwhelmed by all those terrible visions. I texted LG to let him know I was scared because of a nightmare (I didn't want to call him crying and scare him) and we spoke while I cried and cried.

I eventually calmed myself down by watching CBS Sunday Morning (it was all about animals, very relaxing) and knitting. But I was unsettled and on-edge all day and worrying about Smudgie like I hadn't in a while. We're about to order furniture--I second guessed doing so. I over analyzed every thump or lack of thumps. I prayed extra hard in church.

That night, two friends came over for dinner on our roof deck and one of them slept over on our air mattress to keep me company. I slept much better and dreamed about nothing more frightening than wilted CSA produce (my pickup is today). And last night I slept alright, too. But it was terrible being so scared and so alone. And as hard as it is to be without LG here in my own home, I'm even more worried about my trip to California. What if I need to go into L&D while I'm out there? I've been lucky to have avoided that so far in this pregnancy, but so many women do, even women with perfectly healthy babies. Where will I go? How will I get there? I'm scared of being alone at a hospital, hearing bad news by myself. I'm scared of flying. I'm scared of hauling my suitcase (don't worry, I'm bringing our smallest one) up and down the California coast. I'm just really scared.

I'll end on a positive note, though. I'm feeling very well physically and I found out on Friday that I passed my three-hour glucose tolerance test. So no GD for me! It's a huge weight off my mind. And yes, I have indulged gleefully in a cookie or two since getting the news. The apartment is in shambles, but the renovation projects are slowly coming together and I'm hopeful that things should be much more orderly before I leave at the end of the month. And LG might be able to come up for the weekend on Friday to be with me at my ultrasound and to spend a wee bit of time together before we're parted again. I so, so, so hope he can.


  1. thinking of you, you can crash at our place until LG is home!!!

  2. Awww Sloper. The dreams are bad enough, but to have them when you don't have LG there to comfort you must have been horrible! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But remember, you really weren't alone...Smudgie was right there with you to reassure you and remind you everything is OK with him/her - and I'm sure it is. Trust in those little thumps, kicks and rolls:)

  3. The nightmares can be SO terrifying! I'm so sorry you had to go through that all by yourself! I feel like I need to give you my cell number so if it happens again when LG is away you can call me and talk it through! (Let me know if you want the number. I'll keep my phone by my bed at night, if you want.) I think after all you've been through, it's only natural to have these dreams/nightmares. But they feel so amazingly real it's hard to bounce back quickly from them. They're terrifying.

    I hope things go smoothly while LG is away and the nightmares stay away! xoxo

  4. I hated the terrifying dreams when I was pregnant and I can only imagine how much more difficult they were when you were home alone. (((HUGS)))

    Great news about not having GD!

  5. Try to enjoy your trip to Cali. I'm in AZ so if you need anything I can be there in about 6 hours! Im sure everything will be great on your trip!

  6. I hope the next week passes by very wuickly for you so that you can be with LG again. I think nit mares about the baby during pregnancy have plagued most of us. I had dreams of crazy shit during mynpregnncy. It was bad enough to have them but wt least dh was there sleeping next to me. Can't imagine how terrified you were. Hang in there. Everything is great with smudgie and you'll both do great in the next few weeks and be back home to a regulr schedule with dh by your side soon. Sorryfor typos. iPad plus typing is not my thing.

  7. So scary. I hope LG comes home soon and can give you hugs!

  8. What a horrible dream. I remember those so well-- I don't think they ever leave you, unfortunately!! I can't imagine how terrifying it must have been to have been home alone through one of those. I really hope LG can make it back for your ultrasound, and I feel like once you set the ball in motion with your travels, it will all go a lot more smoothly than you are fearing. Also, roof deck?? How wonderful!!!

  9. I know the feeling of being left feeling battered by a dream that has no basis in reality. I think it was sweet that Smudgie was thumping around, trying to reassure you that all was well. I hope LG gets back soon, and I hear you about being nervous about going across the country. The reality though is always less frightening than our imagination.

    Yay for no GD! Go nuts with the cookies!

  10. The dreams are very typical and very common to have in pregnancy, and your anxieties (heck, remember all of mine?!) make it an easy leap for them to hit you in what should be a subconscious state.

    Acknowledge your fears, confront them, go back to saying your mantra again. You are getting so close, and that baby is growing marvelously!

    Indulge in something positive for each day you make it through while LG is away (ice cream cone? A onesie? Pretty maternity top? Frame for baby's photo?)

  11. Sorry about the dreams and LG being away. I am so happy you passed your 3 hour, though! Yay!

  12. Slopie, I am so very sorry. Absolutely terrifying. I've been there and it SUCKS. Remember: These dreams are DREAMS. They don't mean a freaking thing. I really hope LG can come home on Friday, I know you need a reassuring hug. If you were in the same town I'd invite you over to sleep on our pull-out couch sweet friend.


  13. Those dreams are the worst. (((Hugs))) I'm glad Smudgie is keeping you aware of his/her presence - sometimes, feeling the baby move is the only thing keeping me sane.

    Here's hoping that everything will be fine on your trip to CA. Try not to worry too much about it in advance, ok? If a concern arises, you'll call your doctor here, and if s/he says to, you'll find care out there. And LG will figure out a way to get to you quickly. Because the most important things in the world? Are you and that baby. That healthy, thriving, amazing baby. ((Hugs))

  14. When I wake up from nightmares, I always fall back asleep and finish them. It's the worst! I'm sorry you have to be without LG. Stupid trials! But you and Smudgie are doing great and will be reunited with LG before you know it!

  15. I hate those dreams. They're the worst. I've had plenty of weird stillbirth/forget to have the baby dreams even though I've never even made it out of first tri. It's fricking weird.

    I hope these next couple weeks fly by for you and you and LG are together again soon :( And call about the effing floor.

  16. Oh that nightmare sounds horrid. I hate the way a dream can really colour your whole day. Here's hoping for peaceful sleep from now on.

  17. Sloper, I'm sorry. I'm also highly (highly) susceptible to nightmares and have had a few terrible ones. They're very hard to brush off, maybe because of the fact that we know very well what it feels like to receive bad news in real life. As time goes by, they recede. But it doesn't make them any easier to get through. And I desperately hope that you have no more of them.

    And, of course you're feeling vulnerable without LG. Mr. D is going to the UK in September for four days. He really needs to but I about freaked when he told me. This is hard to do. And to do it alone (even for a few days) is very, very daunting.

    SO glad that you escaped the dreaded GD, as well. This is brilliant news. I raise my cookie to toast your cookie.

  18. Oh, babe, I know it must be really difficult for you to have him gone. I know I'd be lost.

    Still, Smudgie is doing awesome AND you passed your 3-hr test! High fives for that!

    Hang in there!