A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Snowball Effect; or Inevitable Bad Days

I'm having a rough night. After the honeymoon of last weekend, I am missing Lawyer Guy a whole lot. Plus, while he was home he made the mistake of telling me he thought the trial was going to end early and he'd get to come home Thursday night, see me before he leaves, and take me to the airport Friday morning. Yesterday he said the case is now going slower than expected and that may not happen. I got my hopes up about seeing him an extra time, and I've had a really hard time dealing with the disappointment.

I hate flying. I mean hate, hate, hate flying. I need to be in a doped-up stupor with my face buried in LG's chest just to make it through take off. Now I'm flying with no LG and no drugs. And I'm scared. I keep thinking that the plane will crash and I'll die and I won't have seen my husband before I go and we just ordered the crib and he'll have to return all this nursery furniture while grieving and my sister's wedding will be totally ruined. And I'll be dead, which will suck.

I'm so scared about this flight that it's making me crazy anxious about everything else going on, too. I'm supposed to meet with a professor tomorrow to discuss one of my orals lists. But I also have to finish and turn in an overdue paper before I leave in order to avoid any potential complications with scheduling my exam. I don't see how I'm going to prepare for this meeting and get enough done on my paper. But, but, but, but...

And then today I got a manicure and pedicure at the same time--it took about 30 minutes and I told them they needed to rush. Well, they rushed so much the girl working on my toes stabbed me with the cuticle cutter and I bled. They slapped some disinfecting ointment on there, but I'm still worried I'm going to wind up with sepsis or gangrene and Smudgie and I will die in California (notice a pattern to my hysterical anxious thinking?)

I'm so lonely without my husband. Why am I going on this trip? (Because it's really exciting to have been chosen by my school and I've looked forward to this opportunity for years and it won't be any easier to do when/if I have a baby). I need to take one task at a time, pace myself, and not let the worries start snowballing. But tonight, that's really hard to do.


  1. sloooow doooown. I understand, having whipped myself up similarly on many occasions, both while pregnant, and while waiting to fly to China to be united with our eldest.

    I say acknowledge it, and breakdown the flight into more manageable parts (takeoff, waiting for 1st snack, 3rd waddle to potty, and so on, lol). Does the flight offer a WiFi option? If so, splurge on it. If not, get thee a Kindle, perhaps. Or bring chick flicks to watch on your laptop or phone.

    I had to take two biz trips while pregnant that involved flying. Both times, I called the concierge to find out how close the hospital (with a L&D unit) were. This seriously lowered my anxiety.

    Is there a prayer or mantra you can keep close? Don't be afraid to make the Flt Attendant your friend!

  2. Um, ouch. Thanks, pedicure chick.

    Is there really NOTHING that's safe to take in pregnancy that you could take just for the flight? I know some people take certain types of antidepressants, I don't know if there are any antianxiety meds that are safe for pregnancy though. So, um, yoga breathing? Download some meditation MP3s?

  3. I really admire you for having the strength to put all of your feelings into words. It's tough, especially when suffering from anxiety, to do that. Believe me, I get it.

    The flying thing I can completely relate to. One thing that I try to do (with or without drugs) when I feel anxious is look at the people around me (including the flight attendants). If they don't look concerned (and they would know more than I) then I shouldn't be either. That helped me get through a long flight from London to Newark several summers ago when a new terror alert was issued and all the meds I took did nothing. :)

    Finally though, IF you really don't want to go, you do realize that it's perfectly ok for you to not go, right?

  4. I hope you can find something to help you feel a little better on the flight. Many ((hugs)).

  5. Sloper, I'm so sorry you had a tough night. This is hard to do with our partners around all the time, but on your own...it's very difficult. And it's hard not to get one's hopes up so I can understand you're being disappointed that you won't be able to see him on Thursday and Friday (though, I hope his case turns around and he does get away).

    I also hate flying. Really, really hate it. Statistically, we're in much greater danger every time we cross a street (yadda yadda yadda) but there's something very specific about the experience of flying, I think because it's a largely helpless experience.

    I hope today is looking much brighter.

  6. One day at a time. That's all you can do. I have my days where I stress out too and end up crying in gulping sobs on my bed, but then I try again. One day at a time. And you are right it would be even harder to do the trip with a baby, so try and remember why you were excited to begin with and do everything you can to enjoy your trip and your sister's wedding. And of course rest as much a possible. Good luck!

  7. Breathe, girlie. Hope today was a better day and some of those anxieties separated themselves out so it didn't feel like one giant elephant on your chest anymore.

    (uh, that's my own metaphor. Hope it makes sense.)

  8. Breathe in, breathe out. I think the other commenters have some great advice for reducing anxiety on the flight. While you are at home alone, I suggest bubble baths, a pre-natal massage, dinners with friends, mindless chick flicks....basically treat yourself very very well and find little active ways to spend your time while also trying to quell the anxiety.

    I am thinking of you sweet friend. Can't wait til you and LG are reunited. xoxo

  9. Huge hugs. We are bad flying twins! I'm the same way - complete terror, squeezing DH's hand off even if I'm totally drugged up, and feeling guilty that so many people know how much I hate flying because it will make them extra sad if that's the way I die (morbid much?). Currently we don't have to travel for our adoption but we've been warned the laws are changing and we'll probably have to fly... 18 hour trip each way into a country where there have been two major airplane crashes in the last four months. I will be SO PISSED if I die on the way to get my baby.

    You will be fine. I know that doesn't help much to say it, but you will be fine and so will Smudgie. Thinking of you <3

  10. I don't know if this helps at all but my father works in the FAA and he always says that you'd be amazed how many planes fly in the U.S. every day without any incident and that the odds of plane crashing are very slim. I realize that's not a huge comfort but I thought I'd throw that out there anyway. If you can (and I know it's easier said than done), take deep calming breaths, try to focus only on the positives and take it one moment at a time. Good luck!!!

  11. It matters not what our heads tell us, our fears have this way of sitting firmly on the override button. I would just love to pour you a nice decaf chai and talk about anything else until you felt better.

  12. Oh honey, my throat just closes up reading about all of the stress that you are under. Get it out here, vent on Twitter and try to take some of the great advice that PPs have offered. I so wish that we lived closer and that I could grab you and take you out to dinner to get your mind off things.

    Just know that this is such a short period of time, even if it doesn't feel like it. You and LG will be reunited soon and Smudgie will be here in 10 weeks. (AHHH!!!) There's so much to look forward to-- keep looking forward!!

  13. I left a comment the other day but it clearly didn't post! I know exactly what it's like to get all worked up--when DH left for a month and then a week for work, I lost it both times. The week that he was gone was before a big scan and I just cried, "What if something goes wrong?!?" It's totally normal to feel the way you do. But know that you will get through this and it will make your reunion (you, LG, and Smudgie!!) so much sweeter.

    Did you ask your OB about any meds you can take to fly? Maybe it's worth popping a Benadryl?

  14. Due to my late commenting, I can't offer any encouragement because you're probably already on that plane. However, I am still commenting in the COMPLETE FAITH that you and Smudgie will be alive later, and that you'll be able to read this comment. Good luck on your presentation (you'll do great!), and I hope LG gets a break on this trial soon. I do recall giving a scientific presentation while pregnant last year, and it was NOT FUN. I spent the whole time worried that my nerves about public speaking would hurt my baby, and I was WAY more nervous than usual for these types of things. I wonder how you are going to feel during your presentation?