A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Visualizing Whirled Peas; or, Getting By

I haven't felt like blogging much lately. Not because I'm not feeling a lot or thinking a lot or reading what others write, and certainly not because there was more to say before I got pregnant again. But part of my efforts to quiet all the terribly anxious voices in my head involve distancing myself a bit from this space--and, unfortunately, from other people's pregnancies and struggles. So if you are one of my pregnant bloggy friends and I don't comment much in the next few--days? weeks? however long this thing lasts--please don't take it to heart. I'm just busy here doing whatever I can to keep from collapsing in a messy puddle on the floor and reading about other people's worries unfortunately dials mine up to eleven.

I'm about half-way through the 1ww between appointments. Man, is this difficult. I feel for women who don't get a single check-up between the positive pee stick and the end of first tri. Though to be fair, most of those women don't fall into the delightful categories that I and my fellow bloggers do.

I've come up with some relaxation techniques and some visualization exercises with my therapist, and I've been using them frequently the last few days, so I've surprisingly remained relatively calm. I get anxious when I imagine something bad happening to this pregnancy (understandably) and I also feel anxious when I imagine happy future outcomes. So pretty much every time I start to wonder about the upcoming appointment or to envision the future, I stop myself by picturing a mental image my therapist suggested and focus on breathing for a minute or so. It's working okay so far! I managed to hold off a panic attack this morning after I woke up and before I get out of bed.

In other developments, the pukies started for me on Sunday night in the car on the way to a Super Bowl party. Yesterday evening they were even worse, and I went to bed at about 9:30 pm because I was afraid that I'd vomit my dinner all over myself if I sat upright any longer. It's all very similar to last time--I throw up in the evenings, not the mornings, and it's worse when my stomach is empty--except with the m&m it started after I was 6 weeks along, so this is about a week earlier. Part of me takes it as a hopeful sign that this little smudge is busy making hormones and my body is responding to them. Then the other part of me remembers that I puked constantly up until the day we found out the m&m was gone, so I can't read too much into it. Then I start my visualization exercises again. Today I feel fine, though that could change at any moment. I'm trying not to read anything into that, either.

I hope so much that we have good news after our appointment on Friday. We've got a bunch of "milestones" from the last pregnancy coming up in the next few weeks: I started spotting right around 6 weeks, we had our first bad ultrasound at 6 weeks 5 days, and we found out at 7 weeks 4 days that the heart had stopped. I hope so much that I can pass them all with no fear and nothing but confidence and happiness for the little life that is growing inside me.

15 comments:

  1. It's very hard not to compare/contrast/draw comparisons between prior pregnancies, but please remind yourself that each one is different and unique and must be viewed in those different lights.

    The visualization technique sounds good! My counselor and I had come up with one where I imagine myself on roller skates, dragging my tow behind me to slow down . . . as opposed to the SPLAT hard fall of being on ice skates and crashing (can you tell I suck at ice skating but am fab on roller, LOL?!)

    It's a healthy sign for you to acknowledge your anxiety and take measured steps to deal with it. Remember, your anxiety will not in any way affect the outcome of this pregnancy, just as good wishes and positive thinking don't magically make people pregnant ("just relax" - screw you, a-hole!).

    Keep doing whatever it takes, minute by minute. Then you will move to hour-by-hour, and so on.

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  2. Sending you lots of good, calming thoughts. I hope your exercises are helping!

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  3. (((((Huge hugs)))))) Take your time, Slopie, and don't worry about us in cyberspace. We're not goin' nowheres.

    You're doing great, chica. Keep up those visualizations.

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  4. Focusing on the positive has to be good, for your mind, your body. One day at a time...

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  5. I'm anxiously counting the days for you as well... and for me... :)

    I have all positive expectations for Friday. But when I was in your shoes, I was utterly terrified, too. I hope your relaxation techniques continue to work... I'm thinking of you.

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  6. I hear you, this part is H.A.R.D. All is well, all is well, all is well.

    Zen zen zen zen. xoxo

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  7. I agree with the above posters- recognizing the anxiety is so healthy. And having been around this particular block a few times, without success yet, I can tell you that you are 100% normal. I think the pukies sounds like a good thing (if you were not puking it would probably worry you too- correct? That's how I'd be anyways) So I will hold on to that as proof that something good is going on in there.

    Sending positive thoughts to you and the little one.

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  8. I am so hopeful for you! Those pukies are a great thing!

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  9. Whirled peas sounds like a wholly unappetizing Ben and Jerry's flavor. You know I'm here if your peas need a whirl.

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  10. I am glad that the pukies showed up!! I understand that they cannot be totally reassuring given your history, but they are still a really, really good sign. I get the fact that your only point of reference is not a happy one, but as a wise blogger once said, "Healthy pregnancies start this way too!!!" HUGS

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  11. Thinking of you. This is the hardest part. I have so much hope that this will end well for you and will be sending all my positive thoughts your way.

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  12. Good work on the visualizations! It sounds like it's a good coping technique for you.

    I've been constantly comparing pregnancies, too, and trying hard not to do so. It's tough, though.

    Hang in there, babe. Can't wait to hear about your great appointment on Friday.

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  13. I'm glad you're managing. Thinking many good thoughts for you.

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  14. I am thinking such good thoughts for Friday, Sloper. As far as the anxiety, the difficulty commenting, the comparisons to that pregnancy: I feel you, sister:(

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  15. Sending you positive thoughts. I hope you get good news on Friday.

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