A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tell Me Your Symptoms; or, Who Knows?

Six weeks today. I've passed into clinical pregnancy territory. Next appointment with Dr. W. is tomorrow.

When I think about tomorrow and the fact that we'll KNOW (in capital letters) if there's nothing going on in there, I feel rather terrified. I am distracting myself as much as possible. I taught a pretty good class this morning on close reading and poetics. I've been reading Daniel Deronda for my orals list. I love the sound of running water, so my therapist and I worked out a relaxation visualization involving fountains, and I also downloaded the sounds of a waterfall to my iPod. Now, when I feel my thoughts starting to spiral out of control, I just tell myself "waterfall" and call to mind the sounds and the visualization. It seems to be working. I'm still waking up early with anxiety, but I'm no longer at risk of a panic attack.

I'm avoiding all those "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" websites I was obsessed with when pregnant with the m&m. I used to check them seven times a day, reading ahead to where I would be at the end of the week, reading back to where I'd already passed. I've looked at them once or twice since getting the BFP two weeks ago, but all I can think as I read some description of baby at 6 weeks or whatever is: "You don't know what's happening! That might not be happening at all! In fact, my baby probably stopped developing a long time ago!" It's been surprisingly easy to ignore them ever since.

I can't shake the feeling that I should have more symptoms now than I do. My boobs are the same as they've been the last two weeks: bigger than normal, but not pregnancy huge, a little tender in spots, but not excruciatingly painful. My pukies have pretty much gone away. I have a little nausea here and there, but the past three days have been puke-free. My cramping comes and goes. When it's here, I'm anxious. When it's gone, I'm anxious. I don't have any constipation (rather the reverse, actually). The only really consistent "symptoms" are hunger and the fact that I'm too exhausted to stay up past 9:30 each night.

I'd like to have more to bank on. I certainly felt more pregnant last time, even though it didn't work out. But I try to remind myself that my betas kept rising even when I felt no different at all. There's a chance this could work out. I don't know how much of chance, but I do at least admit there is one.

I'm going to eat another bowl of sausage ziti and then lie down on the couch and listen to the waterfall CD. I don't want to hope or fear anything for tomorrow; I just want to be here now in this day.


  1. Calming waterfalls....

    Well, for six weeks, you sound pretty much like I did. The hardcore crap didn't hit until about seven weeks. Or maybe you'll be lucky and first tri will go easy on you! (Hey, a girl can dream...)

    Stay present. And in the present, you are pregnant.

  2. I sometimes wonder if you felt more pregnant last time because you felt no fear? Of course we all worry about something going wrong, but not like a woman who's experienced loss. Here's hoping those waterfalls make the fear & anxiety float away. Update us immediately tomorrow! XOXO.

  3. Hey, you have symptoms, whether they're horrible or not. Plus, shit can be going well even without them. We've all said it before, because it's true--every pregnancy is different.

    I have every hope that you'll see a perfect 6w1d kid in there tomorrow.

    Waterfalls, baby.

  4. Thinking of you. I think the waterfall CD is a great idea. Sending you lots of thoughts of calming running water.

    (Damn, now I have to pee.)

  5. My thoughts will be with you tomorrow morning at your appointment! Remember, this time, different is good:)

  6. will be thinking of you tomorrow. my nausea didn't kick in until week 7 or 8, and while my boobs hurt like crazy during IVF, as soon as i got pregnant, they stopped hurting and haven't bothered me for a single day since. that was the weirdest nonsymptom bc my boobs are usually always bothering me (they did get much bigger very quickly though). cramping came and went too.

    i have a *good feeling* about this for you, and you might not realize, but i'm psychic :o)

  7. "I don't want to hope or fear anything for tomorrow; I just want to be here now in this day." That there's a freaking powerful sentiment, Sloper. And beautiful. Good for you. Hope everything's dynamite tomorrow.

  8. Oh man, I need some waterfall tunes myself!

    Re: the symptoms. Oh, my friend, I feel you. I prayed and prayed for them and they never came. And I am still going, hoping to finish this journey.....please try to take comfort in that. Remember what Dr. Wonderful said, they don't mean anything.

    Everything is going to be PERFECTION tomorrow. Zen zen zen zen. xoxo

  9. Be reassured in your syptoms, even if you don't feel like they're amounting to much. You know that every pregnancy is different :)

    I love the waterfall idea!

    You're doing a great job! Good luck tomorrow.

  10. I've never commented, but I've been following your journey and oh, how I am rooting for your little smudge.

    I just wanted to let you know that I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant (and still terrified that something will go wrong). At six weeks, I was reading into EVERYTHING. However, I felt a lot like you do now...some nausea, slightly tender boobs, anxious about cramping AND lack of cramping in equal measure, the complete opposite of constipation...

    I thought it might help to mention only because when I was six weeks, I felt inundated with women who were omigod, SO SICK and omigod, their boobs hurt SO MUCH, omigod they COULD NOT POOP and I was convinced everything was doomed because I didn't seem to feel half of what they were feeling. Symptoms, I've learned, really mean nothing.

    Here's to everything being absolutely amazing tomorrow.

  11. Six weeks is when the nausea set in for me. I'm sure everything is fine. It's so hard not to go off of every little feeling you do or don't have. Hopefully the next 24 hours will pass quickly so you can have some relief knowing everything is going as it should.

  12. thinking of you tomorrow. Hang in there.
    thank you so much for all of the kindness you have shown to me on my blog over the past few days. It is so appreciated.


    You love me. Don't deny it.

  14. The waiting is so hard. But try not to over analyze your symptoms. My boobs hurt on and off (like super painful to NOTHING) all through the first tri. You're doing great!

  15. Wishing you a happy, healthy little smudge in there tomorrow! Definitely continue with your relaxing and calming thoughts.

    "I don't want to hope or fear anything for tomorrow; I just want to be here now in this day." Though this may be difficult, I think you are doing a great job at it!

  16. I'm with Sienna, I didn't get nausea until week 7 or so. Hang in there!

  17. I am thinking of you this morning as you go in for your appointment and am hoping that it goes perfectly!! I didn't really feel nauseaus until later - perhaps 8 weeks or so... I think that's totally normal and, as we all know and as annoying as it can be to hear, all pregnancies (even for the same woman) are different. I am convinced you are onto something good!

  18. Good luck this morning, S. I'm thinking of you.


  19. Sloper, I've been thinking about you, as you know. I can only imagine the anxiety you're feeling since I'm feeling it, too. I hope and pray all goes well this morning...but like everyone else, I, too, am convinced all is ok. xoxo

  20. Everything I can possibly cross is crossed for you today, Sloper. Let it be good news, Universe. And I feel you on studying every little symptom - but they're a notoriously bad - and sporadic - measure of what's going on. And, yes, about those week-by-week sites.

    Hoping. Hoping.