A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Monday, February 21, 2011

7 weeks 4 days; or, (A Little) More Worrying

This is the point in our first pregnancy when we learned the m&m had died. It's an arbitrary marker, since we don't know the exact date of fetal demise and I didn't have my d&c until a week later. But in my mind, this was always how long our pregnancy lasted: seven weeks, four days.

It's hard not to wonder what's going on in there. It's hard not to imagine the same thing happening all over again. I know that Smudgie has been so different this entire pregnancy: hitting all the milestones just when he's supposed to, showing great heartbeats at two separate scans. I've had no spotting (knock wood), no ambiguous maybe-this-isn't-so-good ultrasounds, nothing definite to point to a problem. That doesn't mean there isn't one, and I'm very aware of that fact, but it does mean I'm not out-right panicking. In fact, in a show of confidence, I even bought something for Smudgie yesterday: This Is New York, a classic children's book from the '60s that I love (and can easily re-gift to someone else if this doesn't work out, as it's not as personal-feeling as clothing).

But still, I won't feel like we've passed the last pregnancy until we have another excellent scan. Right now, there's just no way to know. And unfortunately, I don't know when that scan will be. Dr. W's scheduler copied down my e-mail address incorrectly on Friday, and by the time we sorted out the mix-up and she was able to send me the OB referrals, it was after four and both offices were closed. And thanks to this holiday weekend, they're closed again until tomorrow. I'll have to call and try to schedule something from the parking lot of the university where I teach before heading into the classroom.

I guess all my anxiety about this date and this stage is being transferred to scheduling an OB appointment. The fact that I don't have a doctor and I don't know when anyone is going to check on this pregnancy is freaking me out. I'm worried neither of these docs will be able to fit me in to their practices (even though both these doctors deliver at the same hospital as my fertility clinic and Dr. W. said to call and enlist their help if there's difficulty scheduling anything). I can always go back to the RE for another ultrasound if I have trouble getting an appointment-- Dr W. encouraged me to do so, in fact, if this is going to take more than three weeks. And she emphasized to me that she is still my doctor and I'm not without medical attention while I'm trying to set this up.

I've lived each of these past three weeks with an eye toward what comes next. It's been agonizing, but also comforting. I only have to anticipate the next scan, the next exam, the next week. Now...? What comes next? I don't know! We want to tell our parents about the pregnancy after our first positive OB exam. When will that be? Ah, the uncertainty!

Despite all this, I'm happy. Since the last ultrasound, I've been much calmer, much more relaxed, even if there's still a part of me that doesn't believe this is actually happening. I'm grateful to be pregnant, grateful for the support and love of Lawyer Guy, grateful to be feeling so good and nausea-free.

I'm glad to be here in this place. I know I am extremely fortunate. Whatever happens, I'll still believe that. And I hope so much that all my friends still waiting will have their own happy/scary milestones to celebrate soon.


  1. I will gently say it again . . . when you find/settle on the OB practice for Smudgie, you must be candid with them (as I was with mine) and say "Part of the pregnancy will entail YOU helping me manage my anxieties. I have earned these fears, and I am asking for your help as we go forward."

    No doctor or office staff should ever be allowed to make you feel like a burdensome patient, or crazy or needy, etc. You have lost a baby. And this one did not come easy. You are in control of the baby's medical care, which includes monitoring for Mama that is both physical and mental.

    Breathe in . . . breathe out ;o)

  2. Sending lots of good thoughts. I hope you can find a doctor that understands what you're going through. There are definitely some out there!

  3. Yeah, I really, really hope you can find a doctor believes in a lot of TLC. For somebody who has been through what you have, it is a necessity, not a luxury.

    And while being in the TTC process, I can say I officially hate holiday weekends. Another bane of infertility, making what we love suddenly a bad thing!

  4. I know that feeling of being in no-man's land. I HATED it - the weeks between RE and OB appointments. I even ended up back at my RE's once when I wasn't feeling so great because I figured at least SHE knew me and my history... and she was happy to check things out. I'm sure your doc would be as well. But I do hope that you can an appointment iun just a couple of weeks!

  5. I remember these kinds of feelings-- relief to at least be in a new stage, even if you stlll feel like you can't count on any particular outcome from here... I hop you get that scan soon... I think if you explain your history (esp. the 7w4d milestone) to the OB receptionist, they''l get you in!

    Good luck with getting that appointment, and I can't wait for the "It looks like a gummy bear!" post! :)

    p.s. captcha is 'mater'... your new status!

  6. I bet they will get you right in. I have a very full and very busy clinic and got an appt for one week from the day I called.

    And Smudgie is sticking around. That little overachiever is dancing around every milestone and making new ones by the day. He's a good little eggie, and I can't wait for you to see him again!!! xoxo

  7. I hope you can get a quick appt in with one of these docs, for peace of mind, and that you click with that doctor. Finding a new doc is so stressful.

  8. I know that, especially due to the past, this is a nervous time for you. Looking for a new OB when you just want reassurance of this pregnancy is tough. I have every faith, though, that things are going to go well for you and Smudgie.

    Much luck with the search!

  9. I love Smudgie. I have such wonderful feelings about this. This is it! It really is, Sloper. And I know I need to be telling myself this, as well, but enjoy it. This is totally real and happening and is all yours :). xoxo

  10. I feel the same way...leaving the complete comfort of my RE just hasn't been the same. I wish that there were special OBs just for women who are pregnant after IF/RPL. I also wonder constantly what's going on in there.

    Those milestones are so difficult. You pointed out all the great things though...that things are going great. Hang in there. I'm so proud of how well you're doing.

  11. The two weeks between my last RE appointment and my first OB appointment was difficult. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and my anxieties went a little crazy without the weekly reassurance from my RE. Dr. W sounds absolutely amazing and I'm sure she'll fit you in if you want a quick check-in before your OB appointment.

  12. I'm glad you're calmer, Sloper. You should be. At the same time, being through several losses means that it's very, very hard to let down your guard. This is understandable. What's more, it's a matter of self-preservation. And so I can understand your being anxious at not being on the books with an OB. Hoping that this morning you were able to sort that out, that you have a date for your next scan, and that all of this gives the heart a little more peace.

  13. All you can do it keep breathing.

    That's all you can do. I am holding your hand during this wait, sweet friend. I know it's not easy, and some days you will feel calmer than others. But you will get through this.

    I'm so proud of you. Keep hanging in there.