A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Hunt; or, 8 Weeks

I live in a crazy city. I already knew that, but it's been doubly reinforced by the experience of trying to find an OB here. Who knew that getting your fetus into certain hospitals was as competitive as getting your child into a Manahattan pre-school? (For those outside the tri-state area: that's, like, university-level competitive).

I called a total of nine practices over the last two days, did not find a single OB who could take me at the hospital where my RE is based, but did (just today!) get into a high-risk practice that delivers at another top-ranked hospital closer to the park. (And two NYC-bloggers, Sienna and Fairytale Ending, are also patients there). I'm a little embarrassed to admit that the OB hunt was sending me into a frenzy. I think that I channeled all the anxiety I was feeling about Smudgie and passing (or not passing, who knows right now) milestones from the last pregnancy into worrying about getting a great doctor at one of the hospitals I wanted. Lawyer Guy was (perhaps rightly) completely dumbfounded at how stressed I became about all this.

And of course, now that I have the appointment set up for next Thursday, the day I switch over to 9 weeks, I'm back to worrying about more ordinary concerns: Will Smudgie be okay? I'm so afraid he won't be. I'm so afraid that something terrible will happen again.

LG reminded me of what Dr. Wonderful said last week: the time to stop worrying is now. I reminded myself that when my bloggy friends get to the point I'm at today-- 8 weeks with two good heartbeats under their belts--I officially move them down to the Pregnant blogroll. But I can't emotionally move myself to that place. I'm doing better at imagining. I even let myself look at custom nursery bedding on etsy last night. But we still haven't told our families and the thought of telling them makes me want to throw up. How can this work out? How is it possible that after all this time, we'll finally be lucky?

Please let us be lucky.


  1. you're gonna love the practice. i ended up choosing them over the high risk practice at cornell bc i have several dr friends who are nicu docs and they all said that the nicu unit at *our* hospital is better than the one at cornell. that sold me. plus the doc's at the practice. i love dr B the best so try to see him whenever you can. dr F, R, G, and S are all great too. the only one i feel so-so about is dr K. but that could be bc i'm shallow and based my reaction to him initially on his looks again. yes, again. shallow i am. yaay for 8 weeks. i always felt weird when ppl would move me to their "pregnant" list bc i'd like "it's too soon!!" but you're already in a much better place!! xoxo.

  2. I hear ya. Although I'm mostly doing the 'ignorant blissful' thing, I have moments where I'm like "how on EARTH can this be okay? This doesn't happen for me!" And then I remind myself that other people do this all the damn time, and it absolutely CAN be okay.

    Congrats on finding an OB!!!

  3. Eight WEEKS!! Yeah!!!!

    I'm glad you had the hunt to distract you-- now only one more week until you get the reassurance again :). You should consider a doppler for after 12-13 weeks-- I only used mine about 3 times total, but it was great to know it was there in my closet if I needed it.

  4. Wow! Eight weeks! Congratulations!!

  5. Sloper, I've been reading you for a long time and have to comment, finally, to say congrats! I myself had 2 losses before my current pregnancy (I'm 18 weeks!!) and I couldn't agree with Lesley (and Eric) more. Get yourself a doppler! I found mine on Craigslist for only $75 and it has been a life saver. We had a 6 week gap between our 12 week appt and our level 2 u/s and there is no way I would have made it w/out the reassurance provided by hearing that h/b. Losses are so tough to take and if we're lucky enough to get pregnant again, we worry so much more than the general fertile population. Give yourself the peace of mind you deserve. Congrats again!

  6. I want you to promise me that after this next hurdle, you'll do a post on your nursery ideas. Can't wait to see.

    Congrats on finding a doc!!

    Oh, and I saw the documentary Nursery University on HBO-- totally baffling to us outsiders. :)

  7. I feel like you read my mind when it comes to the "hunt." In my case it was for something further down the line but I admit that I began to obsess just the tiniest bit (okay, not really such a tiny bit) and "forgot" about the actual worrying that I'd been doing up until then. I think it was good, though. And I'm sure it was good for you to think about other things.

    I understand never losing the worry, but you are in a really good place right now and MUST try to enjoy it!!!

  8. Oh, babe. I know the reality of your OWN pregnancy is so much different than how you feel about others. Two strong heartbeats for anyone else = baby is great and on board for the long haul. Two strong heartbeats for you = anything could still happen. I get this.

    It will get better EVENTUALLY. I have to have faith in this.

    I'm so glad you were able to get in with an OB and you have your next appointment set up. That has to be a load off.

  9. It's all very anxiety-producing. I had a frustrating situation at a car rental place yesterday, and after witnessing my anxiety my husband told me that he would like to wrap me in bubble wrap. Decisions directly impacting the pregnancy, well, those are especially fraught.

    It sounds, though, like you made some really good decisions and I am glad you got into the practice you wanted.

    As for not being ready to put yourself in the clear, I think it's a-okay. The normal reaction of a previously wounded heart. But each day that goes by, you are further and further into that safe territory (even if the heart takes a little convincing).

  10. Yes, the statistics are with you. MOST people (97%) are JUST fine after this point in a pregnancy. But there's that pesky 3%. . . of which we have both been a part of. . . that will keep you from feeling 100% ready to accept that fact that a baby will be here in less than a year. . . until said baby is placed in your arms.

    Take one day at a time, and prepare/plan/hope when you can.

  11. 8 weeks is awesome!! I don't think someone who battled infertility can ever be completely confident in a pregnancy. And, unfortunately, I'm learning that the fear doesn't go away when the baby(ies) are born, either. Just take one day at a time. You're looking good!!