A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Lucky; or, Deserving

When we got our first BFP, we had been trying to conceive for about seven months--a laughably short time from this vantage point but a very trying experience while I was going through it. I'd spent most of those months crying, fretting, obsessively tracking ovulation, convincing myself I was broken, and fearing the future.

And then I saw that positive test. I was ecstatic. And standing there alone in the bathroom, I remember thinking, "I can't believe it was this easy." Which is a weird first thought to have when dreams appear to be coming true after an agonizing half-year of waiting. But I couldn't. This little part of my brain-- The psychic part? The prehistoric part?--had been convinced that I was in for a long and painful road toward my first child, and when it came without intervention, without any testing, without any special effort at all, it really seemed to good to be true.

And it was.

I did not have that thought when I saw my positive peestick last month. That sense of not quite having earned this, not quite deserving it, being luckier than I think right--that's all gone. The past two years were every bit as hard as I had feared they would be when I started this trip, and that's a sad thing. But there's also an odd feeling of psychic appropriateness about it all (or fate?). I hesitate to say this is "meant to be" because I know it can all still go wrong. I hesitate to say it because I would never for a moment suggest that anyone is "meant" to lose or to have a child. It's a genetic gamble, as we all know.

But I don't feel guilty to be where I am right now. I know I haven't had the longest, the hardest, the most hopeless, or the most painful IF experience. But it was hard enough, right? And I'm ready for it to be over. Maybe I just jinxed everything but letting that wish out into the universe , but it's true.

To those still waiting: I may be back with you in the trenches soon, but I hope so much that you all join me here instead.

13 comments:

  1. Hellz yeah! I'm glad you're not feeling guilty, Slopie. Every IFer pregnancy is a victory.

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  2. There's no such thing as jinxing it - well at least that's what I believe. I'm so very happy for you.

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  3. I know, I thought it would take forever, too. And was SO surprised to get a bfp before we even really started trying.. ha!

    Um, yeah, you DESERVE this!

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  4. Bask in the glow of pregnancy and gettting to the other side. Don't worry... we will be there, someday...soon I hope

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  5. This post made me tear up when I read it. I admire your strength, courage and attitude.

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  6. Everyone's IF experience is different and there is no reason to ever feel like you "got off easy" or guilty about your pregnancy. I know I felt so lucky that we got pregnant on our last IUI before IVF, and awful for those of us who have endured so much more, but the emotions are the same and no matter how or when it happened, it is so deserved!!

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  7. Oh wow! I didn't know it was just seven months! For some reason, I thought it was longer. That's great! So happy to hear that you're enjoying the pregnancy and that it's all going so smoothly. Wishing you good health & happiness. :)

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  8. You are both lucky AND deserving. And I am so happy for you. xoxo

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  9. You've had a rough go of it and deserve every ounce of happiness. IF is not a competition of whose journey is longer, more agonizing, expensive, or heartbreaking. I'm sorry you've gone through what you have, but one things for sure: you deserve so much happiness and the baby that will call you mama someday is a lucky, loved kiddo.

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  10. What a great post, Sloper. I keep trying to tell myself the same thing: you DO deserve this. Even though I've gone through IVF I feel guilty for it taking on the first try--like in order to be a real warrior or something I needed to go through 3 failed cycles before it worked. What a horrible way to think of it! So I'm with you but I will also tell you that you so deserve this. We all do.

    Can't wait to hear your 9-week update :). xoxo

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  11. I love reading the success stories out here and look forward to joining you on the other side, someday soon! (fingers crossed) Best of luck and so happy for you!
    AP

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  12. I hope it, too, Sloper. You are here and you should not feel guilty for it. Not one little bit. And I'm glad that you don't. We already know - from seeing so many wonderful women with empty arms - that "deserving" is such a strange idea when applied to IF/loss. It's human to apply it but it so often does not compute.

    I'm so glad that you are here. Hoping for many happy updates from you.

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  13. have you tried acupuncture and yoga? not to go all charlotte in sex and the city in you, it worked for a friend. best of luck-it will happen for you. really like your blog. used to be a nanny. saw a lot of people who didn't necessary deserve or even want the kids they had. maybe the struggle will make the reward all the more sweet.

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