A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Post-Thanksgiving Premonitions; or, 11 dpiui

This may be one of those post-every-day kind of weeks. I've just got a lot on my mind, I guess. Right now I could use some bloggie advice.

As the title says, I'm 11 dpiui. And I'm quite sure it didn't work. My boobs don't feel pregnant, which are the only indicators I ever have. My skin is also very, "Ha ha, your period is coming." Everything else is perfectly consistent with getting my period, and after going through this 17 times now, I've gotten pretty good at figuring out when that's going to happen.

Since I would rather whittle my peestick into a shank and plunge it directly into my heart than see one line on a pregnancy test, I won't be testing until AF misses her train. Which usually means not testing at all.

So here's my dilemma. Normally, I start spotting about 14 days after my LH surge and get full flow the following day (I was never positive whether I ovulated the day after or two days after my LH surge, so I counted from the first peak day, which seemed less equivocal). Because of the chemical pregnancy last month, I don't know if being on Clomid will change my luteal phase at all, but as I'm not taking progesterone or any other suppositories, I have to assume it won't. Thus I project that I'll begin spotting on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving.

Now, thanks to Lawyer Guy's parents' divorce, we spend every day-after Thanksgiving at his father's house having a second Thanksgiving dinner (this year, if you count Fakesgiving, it will be the third) with LG's father and stepmother and the infamous BIL/SIL clan. Long-time readers may recall that at this event last year (only about a week after my d&c) I broke down crying and ran from the table, which action was greeted with rather deafening silence. Not the best communicators, that side of the family.

Anyway, this year the event is not going to be at FIL's house. I'll give you three guesses where it was moved. Are you thinking? Thinking really hard? If you guessed BIL's house you are right on the money! Apparently having two small children makes it extremely difficult to take a half-hour trip across the Tappan Zee Bridge on a holiday weekend, and everything has to revolve around making their schedule easier (Sorry, my bitter is showing. Excuse me while I pull down my skirt a little).

LG and I were anxious and upset when we find out the event was moving there. As he puts it, "It automatically goes from a family event on neutral territory to one that is about them and their kids." We thought about telling his father how uncomfortable we are and asking him to switch it back. We thought about doing a lot of things. But we couldn't think of a way to address this issue that didn't sound petty and like we just didn't want to go to their house. Or a way that wasn't basically forcing his father to choose between the desires of his two sons, a position in which he is not very comfortable. We also thought about not going and then decided it would cause too much fuss not to go.

Compounding all this, we learned on Sunday at our lunch in the suburbs that the family has chosen this event as their Channukah gift exchange day, because everyone's schedules are so full in December.

Yes, we found this out on Sunday. Five days before we're supposed to exchange gifts on Friday. And no one would have told us if I hadn't innocently wondered when we'd all be getting together for the gift-giving. Scrambling ensued, and I picked up a bunch of gifts and ordered others online. We now have gifts for all the adults, but the nieces' gifts won't arrive until next week at the earliest.

So to sum up: a post-Thanksgiving dinner at the home of our least supportive relatives where we will be exchanging gifts we didn't have time to procure on the day I'm due to confirm that this most recent IUI failed.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to start spotting in the middle of dinner. How will I possibly handle the devastation around everyone? We'll have to leave and it will cause such a scene. I suspect that if I start spotting earlier in the day, I'll just want to hunker down and be alone to lick my wounds and start the moving-on process. Lawyer Guy said he'd go to the dinner by himself, but I hate when he has to do that. I hate being the sad, fragile basket-case who can't handle ordinary human interactions. And I hate being left alone at home when everyone else is together.

I just wish I didn't have to think about any of this. I wish I were stronger and better able to push forward through uncomfortable situations. I wish LG didn't feel like he had no choice in whether to go or not and I wish that I felt confident everyone would understand our situation--yet I don't want to tell people exactly what is going on. I don't even want BIL and SIL to know we're seeing an RE!

I've got a few days to figure this out, and I'll be tp-scanning (and smelling, which is usually my earliest sign of impending-AF, as disgusting as that may sound) like mad. I'm giving myself permission not to decide what to do until Friday and to just say screw it to everyone's reactions. But a strong part of me still feels like the right thing to do is go and if I stay home I'll be weak and giving in to bad, selfish impulses.

Such a long post to say essentially so little. If you managed to slog through the tedium, I'd love to hear your advice or thoughts.


  1. First of all, you are NOT weak or bad or particularly fragile for having a bad reaction to all of this. I can think of little worse. I think I'd rather have my fingernails extracted without anesthesia than go through the situation you describe. And I am sure that everyone else will agree. You are among the STRONGEST people I know. This situation is just not something that anyone should be required to go through! Of course, a BFP would solve everything, but I agree that you should not count on one, just in case. You don't have time to come up with other plans (a Thanksgiving weekend getaway to Cancun would be ideal), so I say you're going to have to be 'sick'. No one will mind, everyone will understand, and you'll totally save yourself the heartache. LG can put in an appearance for an hour or so, but of course he has to come home to take care of you! Or you can have projectile vomiting, so he has to stay at your side. This is NOT weak of you! This is the only sane plan!!!

    You can have everyone over to your house later to get their gifts.

  2. Ugh, I can't believe they only gave you five days notice on the Channukah gift exchange. And how frustrating that the holidays must revolve around BIL. I hope despite their self-absorption and the obvious anxiety of the last few days of the 2ww, you still have a nice Thanksgiving. And my fingers remain firmly crossed that you have excellent news to share with us after the weekend.

    PS Clomid lengthened my luteal phase by a few days, but mine was short to begin with.

  3. This is a disaster. What assholes, if you don't mind me saying so. I hate being left at home and would be in the same boat. I say you pull a Jezebel. Get as decked as you can and still not look like you are nightclubbing and bring a fabulous bottle of wine. You are painting an adult face and going into battle, dear. Do not think that it isn't. By moving the dinner, your BIL is making it about him. Your challenge is to turn this into a more balanced event. Bring scandanavia pix and pull those out when things get too much about the children. You can also bring a dish and a dessert that require some fuss to duck from the table when you need.

    And my last trick is the sick dog excuse. Anything that will get you home if you need to leave in under ten minutes. Agree with LG on a safe phrase like, "did you give fluffy his meds before we left?" And, the Italian guilt would never allow you to not sling the phrase, "I am so glad we called about when to exchange gifts, it's just too bad that we didn't have much time for shopping."

  4. Mrs. Misfits answer is FABULOUS!!!!!!!! Fabulous, I tell ya!!!!!

    Make this ALL ABOUT YOU and your AMAZING LIFE which includes traveling to exotic places, going out to dinner whenever and wherever and so on. Remember, I had been known, whenever I got bugged "When are you having kids?" to reply "when the s-e-x stops being good, and when we are ready to stop sleeping in." Those two things alone are something ALL parents of young children will be immediately jealous over.

    Do you have a snarky friend you can frequently text during the day whenever you need to? If you don't, email me and I will give you my cell number and you can text me (honey, I did thus once on a Christmas Eve when my bitch-cow of a S-I-L had me in tears . . . and I would have never had made it thru had my girlfriend 500 miles away hadn't been there to reply lickety split).

    BTW, I boycotted the S-I-L's Christmas Brunch the following day. Next!

  5. I feel this, babe. Basically all of our family events now center on my nieces. We moved our traditional Thanksgiving & Christmas at my parents' house over to my brother and sister-in-laws. You're right. It goes from being a neutral family event to a family with KIDS event. I think your other friends had some really good ideas up there. The main thing is to have some easy outs, and make sure to talk about yourself and your life--not just sit and stare at what the little kids are doing (which is what a lot of these gatherings turn into).

  6. Oh, I love Mrs. Misfit's response, too! This sort of thing happens when my SIL comes to town--it suddenly becomes all about how it's more convenient for them to this, that, and the other thing b/c they have kids and we, well, don't. Bullshit, I say. We're not less of a person b/c we don't have a fricken kid to deal with. So annoying. But I'd do what Mrs. Misfit says: look amazing, pretend like you're in the most amazing mood, and break out the Scandanavia pics to show BIL/SIL that your life is SO fulfilled so much so that you're able to go on a jaunt to Europe without thinking once about daycare. And the dog excuse is CLASSIC. We use that often ;).

    Here's another thought--and I know you probably won't do this--but would it make it more bearable if you tested, say, today or tomorrow morning first thing so that you can better prepare yourself for the days ahead? I know it seems crazy but I wonder if that would make it better? After all, once you get the BFP that you think you're not getting, getting through this hellish Turkey Day will be all that much more sweet :).

  7. I was going to suggest the same thing So-Called did - to test in the morning or tomorrow to lesson the blow - just this one time. I also love the idea of coming prepared with ways to talk about you and LG rather than the whole event revolving around the kids and your BIL and SIL. I wouldn't have thought of it, but it's smart. And, yes to the booze (if of course POAS is not BFP, but it could be...)

    I cannot believe they JUST told you about the gift exchange on Sunday. That is ridiculous. It really sounds like they are so incredibly self absorbed, it doesn't even cross their minds how much they inconvenience and do things that hurt you and LG. Above all, if you are having a horrible time, feel free to get the hell out of there, without feeling guilty about it. Take care of you first.

    Good luck!

  8. You in no way sound weak to me, only battle-bruised and unfortunately all too experienced about the emotional warfare you're about to embark on. You are absolutely right to anticipate what your next few days will look like, and do whatever you can to make it easier on yourself.

    I hate to echo a point if you don't want to hear it, but I was thinking like AL and So-Called... Take a test Friday morning. As much as you'd rather poke your eyes out with it than pee on it, at least you can know for sure what's going on, and do it on your own terms and in your own space. And THEN assess if you think you can make it through the day.

    Processing new information on foreign soil is just too too hard, for me at least! I think that's partly why Test Day makes me so psycho, I way overthink WHEN it will be, so that it's not before a big meeting, not when hubby's away, etc etc.

    I am hoping that your body is fooling you, and you are really BFP, and that you can float around Thanksgiving in your own blissful cloud. But if not, I am sending you whatever strength I can! You will get through it!

  9. Is there nothing at all that you can use for a last minute excuse - sometimes I find I can use my own family when i don't want to deal with in laws. not because I don't love them but somehow I can handle my own sisters children better than my in laws. I don't envy you but feel sure you will make the right choices. good luck on iui #2

  10. I like Mrs Misfit's answer! But only if that works for you. Some people have a hard time purposely turning the attention around to themselves. I say do whatever you need to do. If you need to protect yourself and take the "easy way out" and not go, don't go. But it's NOT the easy way out, as evidenced by the turmoil you're feeling over this decision. It's so hard, because I know you want to want to go. But you don't. So then you feel bad about not wanting to go. But you can't make yourself want something you don't want.

    Ok, now I'm rambling. If you'd told me about this timing sooner, I could've sent you my organic bioidentical yada yada hippie progesterone and you could've taken some just to make sure AF doesn't start that day.

  11. You're not weak for not wanting to go. The idea of experiencing a failed cycle is hard in the best of environments, but among unsupportive/clueless relatives it must be terrible.
    Hang in there. I have my fingers crossed for wonderful news so that you can spend the day absorbed in happy thoughts! Maybe having an escape plan just in case might be good (a friend that calls to check on you or so, and then you could make up an excuse as for why you need to leave).

  12. I am way after the fact here, but I just wanted to say that I really hope your lack of symptoms meant zilch and that (one way or the other!!) you got through today okay. I'd be very, very irritated about the whole thing, too: both the switch in venue and the late notice on the gifts. Sheesh.

  13. I read this a couple of days ago but couldn't get my iphone to tap out a comment. ANYway, I have been thinking of you and hope so much that the SIL/BIL circus was somewhat bearable. I'm sure you were beautifully behaved and perfectly charming, even tho they don't deserve that!

    I also hope you got a pleasant surprise in the meantime and never began spotting. Please update when you can/want to, as we are all thinking of you and hoping so very, very hard for you. xo