Today is Veteran's Day. It's also the anniversary of the worst day of my life.
Things are both harder and better today than I could have anticipated on November 11, 2009. I drove home from the doctor's office that morning, sobbing the whole way, and lay on my couch in a stupor of misery and over and over again I told myself that things would get better soon. As the weeks passed and I tried to recover and move on, I promised myself that "this time next year" things would be different. I knew we could get pregnant, it was only a matter of time until it happened again, I had just lived through one of the worst things I could imagine and life had to (had to) take a turn for the positive.
If I had suspected then what I know now--that a year would pass and find us still in the same situation---I would have been horrified.
And yet, I am better and stronger right now that I possibly could have imagined twelve months ago that I would become. I struggle continually to feel optimistic, but I force myself to carry on with trying to make a baby regardless, so there's obviously hope in there somewhere. I can face the thought of more losses, more waiting, more sadness without enthusiasm but with a knowledge that I'll survive whatever comes and confidence that I'll weather whatever storms I must until we have a baby.
I can look at my husband and know that we have seen each other at our worst and our best and we have held each other up when it felt like the ground fell away beneath us.
So I'm okay today. It's a sad day but ultimately it's just a date, no better or worse than the ones before and after it. I didn't want my journey to take this long. I didn't want to have to turn to an RE and ART to have a child. But I do and I did. And now there's a 16 mm follicle and 8 mm of lining in my uterus and an IUI scheduled for this weekend and just maybe a baby waiting to be created from hope and heartache and resolution.
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
7 years ago
Major (((hugs))). I know this is a tough anniversary. I'm glad you are able to look back and feel some positives out of a horrible situation.
ReplyDeleteI hope your IUI this weekend is awesome!
I certainly hope there is a baby waiting to be created from hope and heartache and resolution. Throw in a little Clomid and a turkey baster and you can't go wrong. ((hugs))
ReplyDelete((((hugs)))) on this very difficult day, Slopie. I am thinking of you. I just love how you end on a note of hope. I am filled with it for you, and for THIS cycle. xo
ReplyDeleteLove you so much Sloper. Who would have eve thought life would take this turn. We are by your side through it all I am hopeful for this iui cycle.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hoping that this is the cycle that changes everything. Love you, sweetpea.
ReplyDeleteI'm standing alongside you in this war....hope this IUI is the one....
ReplyDeleteI love your positive thoughts. Today is the anniversary of a m/c of mine, its also my partners birthday. Hows that for crappy timing? Regardless I agree with you, looking forward is the only way to go, giving too much energy to the past and its pain takes away from the energy you have left for the future and the plans you are putting in place. You go girl!
ReplyDeleteOh, this post breaks my heart. My first and third miscarriages came almost exactly a year apart, so is such a black spot on the calendar for me. With each mc, I've thought, please please please let me be good and pregnant before this due date arrives, and I'll be okay. Alas, no such luck. Passed my third missed EDD this fall. SUCKS.
ReplyDeleteI agree about being stronger, though. With each loss, I was able to pick up the pieces a little more quickly, and steel myself for what lies ahead. Knowing where we'd be now would've have crushed the me of 22 months ago.
Let's hope that this is THE cycle that gets you out of purgatory, and you will someday look back on all this as what helped make you an amazing mom.
Your perspective is amazing, I know how hard it is to get yourself there. I am thinking of you and your husband at this time. Good luck this weekend, I am hoping that this is your cycle!!!
ReplyDeletei hope you get through this day without too much heartache, sloper. i don't want you always feeling sad around this time every year, so am hoping extra extra hard that this iui will bring success. how perfect that would be. hang in there. your attitude is amazing :0) xoxo.
ReplyDeleteTears and (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteMy heart is with you on this day.
And my fingers are crossed for your IUI this weekend.
Anniversaries are so hard. Even when you achieve the so-called rainbow, some dates will still be hard (or at least they are for me).
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, and stroking your hair from across the miles.
I'm so sorry about this anniversary. One year of misery... it is a rotten thing for anyone to have to commemorate. You ARE in a better place than you were this time last year, and I just have so much hope that you'll be moving on soon.
ReplyDeleteUgh..anniversaries can be really tough. I would never have imagined we'd still be here a year + after our miscarriage either. It's kind of crazy how much we've grown and changed since then, though. It will all be worth it when you finally get that baby you've been striving for. Much love, Slopie.
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't want to be the downer, I also don't want to be the one that says "Oh, it will happen!" because we all know we don't REALLY know. I hope for the best for you of course, but please stay positive, not on the what may happen, but what IS happening. Our DHs, a homemade meal, a mini-vaca, whatever brings you happiness now. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteHang onto that hope SS!! I have tons of it for you, and everything crossed this cycle is the one! Thinking of you hun and tons of hugs!
ReplyDelete(((hugs)) Sloper. I know this is obviously a really difficult day for you, but I am so glad you are in Dr. Wonderful's care and there is so much to be hopeful about in the midst of your grief. Hang in there my friend.
ReplyDeleteOh, Sloper, I'm so glad you're here now and not there anymore. Sending you love and hope that this time next year, we'll be at least measurably well on our way to our respective happy endings.
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