A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Gimme a Break; or, Return to the Beginning

It's funny how my perspective can change so completely in such a short time. Four months ago, I was diligently tracking my ovulation and body signs and anxiously hoping to time sex in exactly the right way to ensure the pregnancy that absolutely had to be around the corner.

Now, neither Lawyer Guy nor I believe we'll be able to get pregnant again without medical intervention. As he put it, "If we're not getting pregnant with help, how are we supposed to get pregnant without it?" So we're facing the prospect of a brief return to unassisted conception with something less than confidence and very little hope.

We didn't have an easy time deciding to take a break for the month of December. A large part of my heart wanted to barrel forward regardless of any possible impediments or scheduling complications. But Dr. W. didn't want to do an IUI with a frozen sample, because she said they are less successful. She advocated trying to squeeze in an insemination the morning of LG's flight to Vegas. But knowing the unpredictability of my body's ovulation schedule--even on Clomid--I foresaw a stressful week of sweaty palms and racing pulse at every monitoring appointment as I hoped even more than usual for progress.

Given that this is our last chance at getting pregnant without injections, we want to give it the best shot possible. So I'm reuniting with Pissy the CBEFM for a month, and then we'll tackle our last Clomid+IUI in January. Taking a month off will also give us the benefit of a later ovulation than I would have had on medication, so if my some divine miracle we manage to get pregnant this cycle and not miscarry, our due date will be a week or so later, which will make attending my sister's wedding next August more likely.

The Sloper household tends to struggle when there are difficult decisions to be made, so these have not been an easy couple of days. LG was worried that I will resent him for going on this Vegas trip and pushing our plans back, which I assured him I won't. He kept trying to get me to tell him whether I thought he should back out of the trip or not, and I refused to do that. I want him to have a nice weekend after dealing with so much stress the last several months. I also want to do everything possible to have a baby. So I just told him to do what felt right and I'd support him in it.

(And now that he booked his trip I'm having my typical horrible premonitions of plane crashes and disaster, but I'll just have to deal with that).

I guess if we have to go on a break, December's not a bad month to do it in. I've got masses of grading to finish over the next three weeks, and Christmas shopping and present wrapping, and cookie baking, and carol singing, and cocoa-drinking, and then Christmas with my family. I'm promising myself that this is the last year I will spend in limbo like this, so I should make the most of the time with LG while I have it.


  1. I think you made a good choice. I hope you can enjoy it as a true break, even if you are using Pissy.

  2. Difficult decision -- I hope LG has a good weekend, and you get a shot with later ovulation anyway! Also, I hate it when H travels alone (which thankfully doesn't happen all that often).

  3. It sounds like you made the right choice, Sloper. I know it was difficult, but you are doing what's best for you in this situation. I hope that LG has a good time in Vegas, and that you enjoy this month off from doctor's appointments. I know that, as much as I wanted to get pregnant, I always found peace during those breaks. They helped me refocus and find my sanity again. :)

  4. Ugh, I so get this loss of hope that it will ever happy "on its own" anymore. We're totally in that spot.

    It seems like you made the right choice for this month though - no need to be even MORE stressed about the whole situation - just enjoy your wine and get through this holiday month, then get back at it after the 1st of the year. May 2011 be the year for both of us!

  5. As the Queen of break months (whether due to travel or due to cysties), I totally feel the pain behind these words. Big huge hugs. I pray the month whizzes by with all of the great, festive things you have planned.

    But you DO ovulate and that is HUGE b/c it means there is definitely still hope for this working this month....and remember that bloggies DO get knocked up without meds (think of Al at Mission Motherhood!). Keep your head up, Slopie. xo

  6. December is a fabulous month for a break - all the distractions of the holidays, guilt free indulgence, and enjoying the company of LG.

    I can't help but laugh at Egg's comment above me ~ how I am that story that bloggie that gets brought up as the break cycle miracle, but yes, apparently after years of nothing, one can suddenly become pregnant w/o help - it can happen (and can I just say that I'm still in shock that it happened to me?!). Hey, you never know. :-)

    Enjoy your time off of cycling and your last Christmas just the two of you.

  7. I know how much break months suck, babe. Believe me. It sounds like this was the best way for you guys to go this time, though.

    You're right, too. December is a good time for it. There's already so much to do and worry about, that adding fertility treatments to that can become overwhelming.

    Here's to a great December! 2011's gonna be your year.

  8. Oh Pissy, how little I love thee. I know you two have a long relationship, but damn is she a difficult friend (if you CAN call her a friend). It seems like a solid plan and I'm wishing for that perfect window and welcome home to honey. I imagine all of those good things that come with the holidays with loads of lovely cocktails and glasses of wine. Mmmm eggnog.

  9. Breaks are not easy, that's for sure. But I think it's definitely the right choice for you and LG. Plus, if you're going to have a break month, December is definitely the month to do it with all the great holiday distractions.

    You'll be ready to start 2011 with a new cycle and refreshed spirit. Hang in there.

  10. Wishing you lots of good luck on your break. December is a good time for a break. Too much else going on. I'm there with you on the grading. My brain boggles when I think of all I have to do...

  11. you're such a good wife for letting him go. hopefully, LG will come back from this trip totally refreshed and relaxed, and this translates into a totally awesome and successful next iui for you guys bc his spermies will be extra eager to do their thang. and then you'll get your twinsies and everything will be perfect :o) xoxo.

  12. I think some time off can be a good thing sometimes. I know for me it helped me for sort of normal again after back to back cycles (I stress sort of normal). At least you are able to go back things that are forbidden like caffeine and wine, especially during the holidays.
    thinking og you....

  13. The timing thing is so very difficult. And tempting as it is to not let any opportunity pass you by, I also think you made the right decision. The stress around it, around wondering if things would happen on time and as planned...it's just too much. I'm also going on a break next month and part of me is looking forward to it, physically. Giving my body a rest from this rollercoaster.

    As far as the natural not working...there are too many stories of women who end up with a bun in the oven, who have thought the same thing. But saying that makes me a bit of a hypocrite because we're also pretty much assuming that December will be a wash.

    The truth is, though: you never, ever know.

  14. I know the idea of an ART break is like torture when you've put in so much time in the TTC trenches already. But December and the holidays sound like a good time for you and LG to take time off from doctors' appointments and monitoring. And you are being so wonderfully supportive about the Vegas trip.

    I really hear you when you say you don't have any hope for it working naturally when it didn't work with assistance. But sometimes it does happen and those break cycles surprise you. You really do just never know.