A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A Long Two Weeks To Go; or, No News Is Not Always Good News

I'm back from Shelter Island, a little battered and bruised emotionally. I can only say this: the timing this month wasn't good. Getting pregnant based on our recent "schedule" isn't impossible, of course, at least not according to TCOYF. But I'm a realist here. Yay! I Can't Believe It Happened Like This! bfps aren't in the cards for us. We had one month of excellently timed sex that led to a pregnancy. We've had months and months of excellently timed sex that led to a big fat nothing. And we've had months and months of not-so-well timed sex that yielded nothing as well.

I'm probably about 1 dpo and I already know I'm not pregnant. I can't tell you how much that hurts, to feel like we've given up before we've even begun. To feel hopeless right off the bat. I'm now positive that we will be going to our RE appointment next month. And I'm now worrying overtime about my sister's wedding next summer and whether to delay treatments because of it. I'm fretting. I'm crying. I'm grieving the baby-without-assistance that I don't think we'll get to make.

But Lawyer Guy and I are closer than ever right now, and we've had some amazing moments of communication in the last 24 hours. If we ever do get the baby that we want so much, that kid will so lucky to have two parents as unconditionally crazy about each other as they are about him or her.


  1. I am in the exact same boat...worrying about my BF's wedding next summer and wondering if I should wait to TCC or not. My husband was very angry at that idea...what if we miss our "shot"? So don't give up...keep going...you never know!

  2. I love that you and LG are so close, and your kid will indeed be lucky as all get-out to bathe in such all-around adoration. That makes for a wonderful kidlet-raising environment. Sad that you're feeling this cycle was a bust, but I'm so glad you're getting the RE on the case next month. And T- only 5 days until Scandy! Yaaayyy!

  3. Welcome back! I can tell from your post that you're sad and hurting, but amidst all that you and your husband have become closer, which is a good, good thing. Keep that positivity.

  4. I'm glad you have such a close relationship - it doesn't erase the hurt of the other, but it does help an awful lot.

    Realizing that a naturally-made baby may not happen is a hard thing. Personally, I had great trouble dealing with this and, as a result, was very resistant to the idea of a) talking to an RE, and b) doing any ART. It's hard not to feel like "It shouldn't be this way." And, of course, it shouldn't. But at the end of the day you want a baby. And by seeing that RE you are taking the bull by the horns. You are moving towards your goal (even if the steps are painful). Hugs to you.

  5. The months when you know it isn't going to happen truly suck. This month by husband is away right through OV so I know that it isn't going to work naturally. but we do have a FET lined up so fingers crossed we dont miss OV this month. You and your hubby sound fab together - thats why it is going to work eventually.

  6. As eager as I was to get my butt into the RE's office, I really did mourn the loss of this happening "naturally."

    I had very real anxieties about IUI-- the fact that the babymaking moved out of our bedroom and into the doctor's office, where I might get knocked up without my husband even being in the room, just felt wrong to me. Would I have done it if we needed to? Of course! Would it have been without a sense of loss? Absolutely not.

    BUT, remember, for us it didn't come to that-- Clomid, with intercourse, was all it took. And even better, when it was deemed that the Clomid hadn't been "effective" (b/c I hadn't ovulated in the appropriate window), we threw out the OPKs, stopped forcing the sex and figured we'd try again next month.

    I O'd a few days later (earlier than I ever had, so the Clomid was technically effective!) and magically, we had sex for fun the day before I ended up O'ing & the day after...I had no idea, b/c we were no longer tracking anything. Miraculously, one of those two nights created a baby.

    I know what you mean when you say that you are grieving for your baby-made-without-assistance. But try to remember that the RE will only take the steps that you are comfortable with and there's a very real chance that your baby will be created at home with minimal assistance. This is what I hope for you!!!


  7. First off, I'm so glad that you guys are closer than ever. That. Is. Awesome. I've been trying to see some positives in my own struggle to conceive, and I also feel it has made my marriage stronger. If we had gotten knocked up immediately, we would not have had the opportunity to grow as a couple through this adversity.

    As for your sister's wedding, that's a tough call. But even if you decide to delay treatments, there's no need to delay any testing that your RE orders, so you can at least keep moving forward, even if you decide to stop trying for a period of time.

    Good luck!!

  8. If it's any consolation, if you do end up needing ART (and keep in mind that your RE appointment, should it be necessary, may simply reveal that you're on the unlikely end of the statistical distribution), my experience has been that the grief over not conceiving naturally passes pretty quickly. This was something that carried a lot of weight with me before I started ART, but vanished very soon after. For me it's because the "natural" approach had gotten so completely mechanical that the difference came to seem minute. ANYWAY, my sympathies on the things you're going through right now. (And if you end up pregnant in two weeks, we won't be mad at you for this post.)

  9. keep pushing forward despite whatever is on the calendar. if there is one thing IF teaches you, it is that you do not have control over your reproductive schedule.
    i had the hardest time accepting ART but now that I've jumped in, I'm so grateful. smart of you to recognize the need to grieve.

  10. Well, I think its so awesome that you and LG continue to grow...and as much as I hate IF, it did make hubby and I grow together in a way we never would have had we not dealt with it. And like Jane said, even if you do delay treatments you can at least get all the testing in order and know you're game plan for when you're ready to start. Thinking of you and hoping like crazy it won't matter in about two weeks. ;)

  11. *hugs* I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all this. Such a mix of emotions about everything.

    I would do what your heart tells you to do when it comes to treatments around your sisters wedding. I know if my sister told me she was going through IF treatments around my wedding I would support her through this. This is YOUR chance to have a family and you should take it.

    Yes, weddings are a big deal but it's one day, your family is something totally different. I hope if you do choose to go with the treatments your sister will not only understand but hold your hand through it.

    Sending lots of good vibes and crossed fingers one way or another you'll see those two lines!

  12. Ditto Bunny's comment. If some assistance from the RE brings you a baby, the grief about not making a baby 100% au naturel will pass. And I'm trying to tell myself that about our IVF cycle, too, btw. How the hell did we all get to these places?

    I know how much it sucks. This all sucks.

  13. I'm so sorry you're feeling out of the game already. I completely know what that's like.

    You and your husband sound strong and happy, though. That's something to be really grateful for.

  14. Big hugs, Secret Sloper. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. This whole process blows giant donkey balls.

  15. I'm sorry things didn't go smoothly this weekend-- it hurts so much, and yet it's so hard to articulate exactly why it hurts. Because, when even well-timed sex isn't leading to that baby, you'd think that a month of less-than-ideally timed sex doesn't really matter in the grand scheme (so why am I so upset?). But somehow the experience of feeling like you didn't take full advantage of your 'window' is just sort of soul-shriveling. As you may recall, I went through these feelings the month I did get pregnant. I'm hoping the same goes for you.

    On the plus side, you can now indulge in Scandinavia without guilt, since you don't think anything is going on in there anyways... and I think that the RE appointment will definitely be a good thing. As others have pointed out, it doesn't necessarily mean that conception won't happen naturally. PLUS, once you are pregnant, I bet you anything you will totally cease to care how it happened.

    Hang in there, Sloper-- Good things are coming.

  16. I know this frustration. Sloper, I am delivering a giant Internet hug. This is unfair to a ginormous degree. This should be easy and the timing should be working, but the Universe is giving you a middle finger. I can tell you that this struggle will make you so much better as friends and as parents to your children. And, I'm a firm believer in not admitting anything to anyone who doesn't need to know the part of HOW you get and stay pregnant. Being broken like this hurts. We are all here to lift you up during these bad days and will be here to support on the good ones, too.

    The RE will give you back your hope and you are going to be on a path to parenthood for realz this time. And if there's one thing I've learned is that the Universe will trip you no matter what. Being pregnant at a wedding or on a trip is going to be inconvenient, but it will be equally amazing.

    I feel like that failure, too, but I've stopped trying to beat myself up. We need to sign up for some emotional Kung Fu classes.

  17. First, you never know. And second, I admit that getting pregnant via ART is something I definitely had to come to terms with, it's so worth it. Thinking of you xoxo