A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Silence of the Blogs; or An Evil Swamp Thing Rises From the Muck

I feel like I've just run a marathon while wearing cement boots. Or swum the English Channel with a bowling ball tied to my leg. I did not intend to be absent for a week after my last post, but sometimes life grabs a bullhorn and shouts: NO INTERNET! in your ear, and when that happens it's best to listen.

To make a long and really quite tedious story short, I've been a subpar student the last year. I've been distracted and depressed (I think we can all relate) and I let a lot of things slide and was given a pass on a lot of things by the people who are handing out the passes. So last week, as I started my fertility testing and prepared to head back into the classroom as a teacher, I sent a casual e-mail to one of the pass-givers expecting another pass...and found out I shit was out of luck. No more passes to be had. Time to get stuff done.

So I have written three 20-page papers and taught 4 classes in the past 6 days, which I doubted I would be capable of doing in my 3-am panic of last Wednesday night. I'm hoping and praying that once tomorrow is over this academic Code Red will be officially and finally turned off. We shall see.

Aside from my current mush brain and hand cramp (or is it brain cramp and mush hands?), I must confess that a part of me liked being MIA from this corner of the world the past week. What a pleasant change to feel overwhelming anxiety about something and ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO FIX THE PROBLEM! Genius, right? I should try getting more fixable problems, they're awfully good for the psyche.

The other reason I've been glad to be away is that I pretty much have two TTC modes right now: indifferent and pissed off. And-- I give you full permission to hate me in about 2.5 seconds--pissed off is winning with all the new BFPs I've seen in the last two weeks.

I know it's not fair. I know I'm not the only one still stuck here. I know no one has taken anything from me. I know EVERYONE on my blogroll who's gotten a BFP deserves it (and a big bag of diapers too). I know I want only happy pregnancy updates from my blog friends. I know every long-sought BFP should inspire me with hope.

But they don't. They make me mad. Yup. Mad. I am so goddamnfuckingfurious that my long-sought baby had to die. I am so motherfuckingpissedoff that eighteen months of my life have passed in a useless, stupid haze of pointless obsessing and worrying and peeing on things and taking temperatures and I would have been better off NEVER OVULATING AT ALL AND GETTING TO GO TO THE RE FIFTEEN COCKSUCKING MONTHS AGO.

I am a great big ball of bitterness and bile and I'm afraid if I spend too much time reading people's happy news I'll spew napalm all over it, and if I spend too much time reading people's sad news I'll want to blow my fucking brains out.

So, yeah. That's what's up with me. I bet you wish I still had some papers to write.

23 comments:

  1. I understand how you feel and this kind of break is a good one. BFP's are haaarrrd, but less so when they are folks among us struggling. There is such a great feeling to know we are all in this together, until we are not. That double line means that folks are set to move on and it sucks to get left behind when we deserve so much to be on the other side, too. Nobody wants to be the last kid picked for a team. And no one wants to not get picked at all. It does suck.

    I have been licking wounds over having my cousin graduate to fully safe when she got her BFP the same week I did. Happy, envious, happy, hateful, that's about one second of time in my mind. It spews out in everything I write and I hate myself for it. So, bring on all of it, because I'm pretty sure there are folks nodding along feeling exactly like you do.

    I am hoping these tests give you both hope and answers. This RE visit is overdue, and I'm mad for you that it's been this long. Patience is not a virtue and I'm not going to barf up saying that you need it, because you don't. You are going to rock these months TTC and this baby is going to arrive in a perfect window to enjoy your sister's wedding and be blissfully leaving this behind you.

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  2. I'm relieved to read this post.

    When I don't hear from you, I worry about you. While I can understand that you need to step away sometimes, you need this space to vent-- especially when you feel the way that you are feeling.

    Hate every single BFP right now(from strangers, friends, family, whoever)- that's your right, when you've been through what you've been through. Like Misfits said, no one wants to be left behind. IT HURTS & it's not fair. I know that I didn't experience it for long, but I remember how many times I said, "Why not me?" I haven't forgotten.

    You were there to tell me that it would happen for me. A year and half later, I'm still here, to tell you that that it will happen for you.

    This RE appointment is the right thing-- this is going to change your life...for the better.

    I love you. *hugs*

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  3. I nearly punched a hole in my computer screen today when I saw smug little miss miranda "i will be a supermodel, I will marry a movie star and even my anorexic pencil thin body can bear a child and you can't" kerr. I hear you on the motherfknmad bit sometimes I just think I will scream if I hear one more announcement that isn't mine. Altho I sure as hell hope if it isn't mine it is someone that friggin deserves a break. So go ahead and be angry. It is your blog you can do what you want.

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  4. I'm sorry. I felt that hate and anger, and what really sucks, is that I STILL feel it. Even with two babies. It's not as strong (and it really depends on who it is and what their story is), but unfortunately, it's still there.

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  5. I understand exactly how you feel. The hurt and pain of the last 2+yrs, 3 m/c has left me a bitter mess. I see swollen bellies and all I want to do scream. I see those two lines posted on random blogs and want to die. Granted I feel less contempt for the ladies who have dealt with IF, but that little twinge of pain and let's be honest, jealously is there. It's completely natural to be sad for you above happy for them - this is your life and your struggle. Hopefully your appointment (or two) with the RE will make you feel better as you will be taking steps to "fix this." Good luck.

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  6. I think taking a break, due either to your academic obligations or even merely due to your need for self-preservation or both, is a beautiful and necessary thing. I've done it. I even try to avoid blogs on the weekend (not always successful) and especially when I'm on vacation--regardless of where I am on the IF/TTC spectrum. It's healthy, Secret Sloper. Be kind to your psyche. Mostly, don't feel guilty for your feelings about others' BFPs. You are so very entitled to those feelings. You deserve to be able to spew some napalm from time to time (or more frequently!). It's how we cope, how we get by. No one here judges you for that... This all fucking sucks, and we get it--again, no matter where we are on the TTC/IF spectrum.

    Thinking of you warmly and sending a hug your way...

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  7. Oh ya... been there, am there, will be there. It's so painful to hear the news. It's hard not to feel left behind, in the dust, eating dirt. I am happy for those, and only for those, that have had a hard go of TTC, but it still stings. I looked at your blogroll and dang there's a lot of women pregnant over there... we gotta be next, right?

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  8. Venom, yep. The suckie thing is that I totally get this. BFPs never ever give me hope....they make me feel despair that I will never be that lucky. I don't know why they are that way.

    It's funny b/c I don't ovulate and so I have always had INTENSE jealously for those who do....those who don't have to live with ZERO hope in cystie break months, who don't have to go through ten months of testing to find out how to ovulate and have one shot at a baby....etc etc. But you know what? Your situation ROYALLY sucks b/c while you've had "hope," it hasn't brought you the baby yet. And at the end of the day, the baby is what we all want.

    I ditto Trinity's thoughts. I try to turn off my blog-mind on the weekend and while I'm traveling. It's hard b/c I like to check in on people, and I sometimes do despite trying to tune out, but sometimes you just have to step away. Sounds like your bloggie break was INCREDIBLY productive.

    And Slopie, now you're the one seeing the RE. You've put in your time and then some. That RE is going to help you!! It's time for you to cross over to the other side. Here for you, always. xo

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  9. I totally hear you on this one. It's times like these when on top of everything IF does to you, you also realize that in certain situations it has the uncanny ability to bring out the worst in you. And that's even more freaking annoying. As if you needed that additional BS in your life. THere is not much that any of us can say to make you feel better. I hope that getting things going with the RE helps you feel as though you are moving in the right direction, even if it is months and months after you would have liked.

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  10. Hey, I hear ya sister. Loud and clear. It's hard for me, too, hearing about the latest BFPs that aren't mine. I rejoice on the outside and cry on the inside. I'm hoping that you're going to get some solid answers from the RE, or at least will feel some relief that you are getting professional help and it's not all on your shoulders anymore.

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  11. I completely understand - because I've been there. So many times. We all have. Take a break if you need to, sometimes I find the blog world overwhelming and it even ends up adding stress rather than alleviating it. Of course in the darkest days, it's been the very best thing around. That's what's so wonderful about this community - we're always here and will be here when you need us. Take care.

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  12. You are not evil. Your blog is the place where you can be honest. Say what you feel.

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  13. I've been worried about you! I'm so glad that you posted, and I completely understand the feeling of trying to play catch up. Sometimes you just have to step away from the blog for a while to get things together in "real life." I rarely, if ever, log into Blogger on the weekends or in the evenings. Those are MY times: to spend with my husband, to do school work, to catch up on trashy television. To not think about infertility and how much I hate my body. There's only so much one person can take.

    And your rant: trust me, I understand. Indifferent and pissed off are the two universes I'm trapped in at this point in my journey. I shouldn't care at this point, but I do. And when I do care, I'm fucking angry. I'm angry when my body doesn't work. But then I'm angry when my body DOES work, and I still don't end up pregnant. BFPs don't give me hope anymore. They just make me sad, or jealous, or angry, or frustrated. It's depressing.

    Thinking of you always. I wish I lived closer. We could burn some baby shower invites together and drink loads of alcohol.

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  14. *hugs* I totally understand taking time off of blogging - sometimes you just don't have anything to say.

    Don't worry - I don't hate you - I respect your honesty. I know when I was still trying it sucked to read about a BFP when I was another cycle lost. I was happy for them but pissed off for me.

    It's normal to feel that way - someone achieves something you've been working your butt off for and instead of saying congrats all you want to do is throw a tantrum and scream "WHY NOT ME?!"

    I hope your RE is able to help out with this struggle and soon we'll be reading about your BFP on this blog.

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  15. I'm really royally pissed off for you, too. When I first started following your blog, I was SURE you were going to be knocked up really soon. You ovulate regularly, and have gotten pregnant before. I was sure you were going to be among the first that I would 'lose' as an infertile buddy. I absolutely cannot believe that you are still dealing with this shit. BUT I am thrilled that you are going to the RE, and I have all kinds of hope for the near future with you. I don't know how much your blogroll overlaps with mine, but all of the BFP's I've seen in the past couple of weeks have resulted from IUI or IVF. No one's getting knocked up naturally these days, if that's any comfort. You're so next. And, very selfishly, I really want you to be next. I am very ready to celebrate this with you.

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  16. I love so many things about this post. First and foremost, the imagery of academia as swamp monster. And then there's the fact that I so wholeheartedly agree with everything - escaping from the TTC world, the stupid ego boost of fixing a fixable thing, and the outrageous anger at everyone and everything. I am so, so there with you right now Sloper.

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  17. These blogs, though reassuring and needed, at times can just be overwhelming. I completely understand that. When you're down in the dumps about your fertility, the last thing you want to do is read about all of the other people getting that good news you've been fighting for. I get it. I take breaks every now and then, too. After a while, though, it's good to come back to the open arms and shared experiences of other IFers. Do what you need to do, babe. Don't worry about how you "should" be feeling and reacting. None of us are perfect models of sisterhood and camaraderie all the time. We're people.

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  18. Oh, Sloper, I'm sorry you're feeling so shitty. But your anger is healthy and justified, and mostly, I'm glad you're back. Be as angry as you feel; we're here to listen. And your last week sounds tremendously academically stressful, but wow, you got a lot accomplished! Well done.

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  19. I'm glad to hear from you (rant included)! You've been in my thoughts and I'm glad that you're ok. Funny though, since I don't know your name I just think hmm...Park hasn't posted lately. I hope that all is well with her. :)

    You sure have been swamped but I'm sorry about your state of mind. I get it. I really, really do.

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  20. Really know how you feel, and I love the honesty of this post. I want others' happy news to give me hope, but I tend to go to a place where I say "It will never happen to me." I think it's good to take breaks from blogland here and there. Being able to focus on things totally within your control is often a much needed respite. I hope your trip to the RE gives you some comfort - I know it did for me. Glad you're back and rant as much as you need to.

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  21. We have all been there. Honest to goodness, Sloper. These experiences churn up so many emotions that it's hard to make head or tail of them. But I think bitterness is a trait we all share.

    And I understand completely what you mean about completing an achievable task - even a tall order like your past week. I will cross fingers that the Code Red disappears, never to return.

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  22. I love this post because you are SPOT ON, and normal! This is exactly how I've felt in the past. I have even deleted blogs from my blog list because I just couldn't relate anymore.

    I have been reading your blog for a while, and just wanted to say that the specialist appointments aren't as daunting as they sound before you start to go to them. They treat you very well in those offices.

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