Chickening Out, in More Ways Than One; or, Another Day, Another Doctor

I had my annual check-up with my Gyn today, at which I chickened out as always and didn't tell her I've scheduled an appointment with an RE for 45 odd days from now. She was giving me the, "Six cycles isn't that long to try, just relax and keep going" routine, and I just didn't want to get into the rest of it with her. I love her and how supportive and kind she is, but she's not one to get worried quickly. And, I don't know, I just felt awkward and uncomfortable telling her about this other appointment, like I was cheating on her or doubting her professional judgment or something. So I didn't.

Because I'm on CD 23 and haven't ovulated yet, she did a quick ultrasound (Hi Wandy! It's been a while. Come on in, make yourself at home!) to check out my ovaries. There's a giant follie on the right ovary that she said is ready to pop in the next few days. Yesterday I finally started getting high readings on the CBEFM, so that confirms it.

She was struck, however, by my uterine lining. It's thick. Really, really thick. So thick she made me take a pregnancy test at the office just to make sure (and I don't need to spell out the result of that test do I? I mean, I think you all can assume by this point, if the 4-foot, ready-to-blow follie didn't give you enough of a hint). From cursory googling, I've seen that delayed ovulation/longer follicular phases can lead to extra lining build-up. And my doctor said it's possible that the raspberry leaf tea I'm drinking has thickened it. But she also wants me back in after I get my period to check for polyps. Great.

So is a 1.3 cm lining absolutely insane before ovulation? Will that harm my chances of getting pregnant? She told me not to worry about it and she didn't tell me to stop drinking the tea--or to keep drinking the tea for that matter. She didn't say anything about the tea other than that it can stimulate lining growth.

I can't help thinking of my dear friend Egg and her lining issues and all the stress and heartache and worry they've caused her. And here I am with the exact opposite scenario, but similar fears. Why is my body not right? What is going on down there? How can I make it better?

If anyone with more expertise on lining could weigh in, I'd appreciate it. Though I'll be honest and say I'd really rather hear that this is awesome and fine and not a problem than the reverse (not to stack the deck or anything). I feel like bad news will be coming around the bend soon enough, so why hurry it before there's anything I can do.

Circling the Airport; or, Doctor's Visit Update

It's that time in my cycle again: early days. Nothing to pee on. Nothing to check yet. No phantom symptoms or pressures to have sex. It's nice, but not so conducive for blogging. There's really just not much to say!

I did have my check-up on Thursday with my Gynecologist, which was pretty uneventful. Lawyer Guy left work early to come up and be with me while I had my blood drawn for my thyroid test. But the doctor was backed up, and after she did her routine exam she said, "I'm going to take your blood sample myself right now." And she did right then and there! She was MUCH faster than the nurse/assistants had been the previous times. I barely had time to react between her strapping on the tourniquet and tapping the vein. I didn't pass out or get sick or completely panic. I shook a little afterward with chills, but was able to get them under control by the time I left the exam room to find my husband. He was proud of me and so was I!

My doctor said the results will come back in 7 days, so sometime next week. If the levels are elevated then I'll go get a full thyroid panel at another lab. We'll see what turns up.

My doctor was unconcerned about us not being pregnant yet. She said two unsuccessful cycles of trying to conceive post m/c were too short a time to get worried about. I'll be returning for another visit in August, which is when I'm due for my pap, and which will also be right when we finish out 6 months of trying for pregnancy #2. At that point, if I'm not pregnant again, we'll talk about what comes next.

So I'm still in the holding pattern of the last year, and there are certainly *worse* places to be. I know that I can get pregnant without intervention, but I also know that a past pregnancy is no guarantee of a future one. I guess I'll just put August in my mind as the date: if we get pregnant before then, that will be great, but I'll mentally try to prepare myself to not. In August we'll also take our Scandinavia trip (we're planning 10 days to Copenhagen, Stockholm, Oslo and Norwegian fjords--MUCH on this in future as the plans progress), which will ideally lessen the blow of any bad reproductive situations. Or at least provide a distraction.

In the meantime, it's CBEFM pee sticks, temping every morning, sex on demand, legs over the head, and all the other delightful perks of long-term baby making. Oh, and my new "wonder drug," a cup of red raspberry leaf tea every morning. It gave me my first cycle with no breakthrough bleeding in two years! Give me time and I'll be acupuncturing and alternative-remedying with the best of you.

Three Doctors; or, Health Turns Out to Be a Curse

Yesterday I had two conversations with doctors.

The first was my first session with the new therapist I was checking out. And it went great! I loved the energy in her office, I loved her approach, and I feel incredibly hopeful that this could develop into a wonderful therapeutic relationship. While I see the benefit in cognitive behavioral therapy and have been able to take away some positive strategies and lessons from my sessions with my other therapist, being prevented from "dwelling" on my feelings about this issue just makes me feel guilty for having those feelings in the first place. I've set up another appointment with New Therapist for next week. Now I just need to figure out how to cancel with Old Therapist, a prospect that leaves me rather anxious.

The second conversation was an e-mail exchange with my OB/GYN. She wrote that she'll do the blood work to test my thyroid levels at our appointment next week (yay!) but that she was sure my primary care physician had already tested them.

Um, yeah, so that brings me to my third doctor. Or rather, the gaping Derridean absence that marks the place of the third doctor. I don't have a primary care physician. I haven't had one since I was eighteen and left my pediatrician's office back at home.

Go ahead, yell at me. Everyone does. But I never (and I mean never) get sick, so I haven't had the need to acquire one. The last time I had a fever or the stomach flu (but it might have just been food poisoning) was 2001. I have never in my life gotten the seasonal flu, not even when my asthmatic, pneumatic husband is ill and I drink from his glass. I occasionally get one cold in a year, and that cold occasionally turns into a sinus infection, but whenever that happens I visit my allergist to get an antibiotic. And I haven't had any colds or infections in three years. My weight is very stable. My blood pressure is always perfect. I've never broken a bone and I haven't had a serious injury since I was a child. When I had my eye exam last year at Lawyer Guy's insistence, it was the first time in 20 years I'd had my vision checked. See? I'm really, really, really robustly healthy.

And I'm also extremely phobic of needles, primarily of blood draws and IVs. Until I had my d&c, I had not had blood drawn since 1999. Doctors had recommended blood work in the past (my old psychopharmacologist said I needed to have my saline levels checked to be on the anxiety medication she prescribed me), but I ignored them, so much did I fear getting blood drawn.

Which (as I'm sure you've figured by now) is all to say: No, my "primary care" physician has not tested my thyroid levels. If my thyroid levels have ever been tested, the last time was 11 years ago.

So I'm doing this. I'm going to get my blood drawn and maybe get some answers. I'm really scared, but I want to do the best I can for my babies (the m&m and any babies to come), so I need to be brave. I might ask my husband to come hold my hand, though.

Annual Checkup; or I Love My Doctor

I went in for my biannual exam/annual pap on Tuesday. This was the first appointment with my gyno since the pre-conception visit back in February, when I confidently expected that I would be knocked up the next month.

While there I brought up my irregular cycles, the weird bleeding last month, last month's extremely short cycle and period that only last for two days. We've got a plan for moving forward, and I feel okay about it. No, I feel good about it.

We keep doing as we do this cycle, the sixth. Then, starting with the seventh (sometime in September) I get an ovulation predictor kit. If it registers that I ovulate, I let my doctor know and we keep trying until January (the 11 month mark) when we take the "next steps." If I don't register ovulation, then I let her know and come back in (in October) to start testing.

I don't know why I feel so positive about this. She just seemed so upbeat about my chances, that it made me feel good. "You're going to get pregnant," she said. "Aren't I always right?" she asked her nurse. And if I'm having trouble ovulating, she asserted, "We'll get you pregnant. There are ways."

I know some people dislike cheerfulness before the fact. I know some women would suggest I find a new doctor who'd more aggressively test or who would mitigate against hopefulness. But I can handle the doom and gloom on my own. I can provide the pessimism.

She gave me a big hug and a smile before she left, and I felt like she was already happy for me. And for the first time in a long time, I feel okay for me, too.