A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Weddings and Babies; or, Odds and Ends

After Sunday's post, I want to clarify what the concern is with my sister's wedding next August: her wedding is in Napa; I live in New York. I don't care about being fat at a wedding or looking less than great postpartum in wedding pictures. Please, I would take it gladly and wear that extra chub with pride! But I know that if I am 36+ weeks at the time of her wedding, I won't be able to attend. And I have my doubts as to the feasibility of bringing a newborn--say 6 weeks or younger--on a crosscountry plane trip (I'm thinking it would be an infection risk, but if anyone knows otherwise, please let me know).

For these reasons, I think we'll have to hold off on treatments with the RE until January, which will be frustrating considering we'll get our testing done in October and then just stop. But I've pretty much decided that I'm going to continue trying naturally during December and January. I can't start trying to avoid at this point. Everything in my heart speaks against it.

* * *
Naturally, my mother had some choice words on the subject. I haven't spoken to her about our treatment plans or my feelings since our incredibly awful conversation in April, and I think our relationship was much the better for it. But I wanted to get her take on my sister's wedding and the scheduling conflict it presents. I know my sister will be horribly hurt and incredibly angry if I can't go (even though she skipped my 30th birthday party to spend two weeks in Puerto Rico with her fiance notthatI'mstillbitteroranything). And truthfully, I'd be devastated to miss it, too! Myy mom said I should try to avoid during those months because "Won't you feel awful knowing if you'd just waited eight weeks none of this would be a problem?"

No, Mother. If I get pregnant and am lucky enough to carry the baby to term, I will not feel awful nor will I wish I had waited. I will be incredibly sad to not be in California, but I will thank God for the miracle of my child and have zero regrets.

It's all moot, because it's not November yet (though let's be honest, it's just around the corner) and there's no guarantee I would get pregnant even with treatments in those months, let alone without. But it's still discouraging to know that after all this time, my family would hold something like this against me.

* * *
Also discouraging: the name that Lawyer Guy's cousin gave to her son born yesterday. When he woke me up this morning with the words "Do you want the bad news or the worse news?" my heart leaped into my throat, but the reality was not far off from my frantic imaginings. Of course this 27-year-old, barely employed, multiple-accidental-pregnancy-having couple would give their son the boy's name LG and I hate (HATE HATE HATE) more than any other, the name we have mocked to each other for over a year. OF COURSE!

And no, I'm not going to spell out what the name is here, because it's somewhat popular in certain parts of the country (though not NYC) and I don't want to offend any readers. And I know that taste is subjective.

But still. My taste is better. I've got so many great names in the hopper just waiting for the right babies to wear them. Why do these people get to pollute our society with awful, awful names while... well, you know.

* * *
Despite my reaction to the cousins' new baby (ugh, that name!) I think I'm getting a little better about dealing with unexpected announcements. My mom told me that our former next-door neighbor called her recently with the news that her 24-year-old, unmarried, college-dropout daughter is pregnant. (Ha ha universe! Got me again!) And then my mom said that it made her sad, because she wants to be a grandmother, too.

You might think that this would make me feel guilty or worse, but it didn't. My mom has been so resolutely beating the drum of positivity this past year that for her to acknowledge that this is a horribly painful situation for her too helped me feel less alone. I guess I'm selfish that way. I don't mind if other people suffer as long as we're all suffering together. It's the loneliness I can't take.


  1. Your mom wants you to wait to TTC because of your sisters wedding but cannot wait to be a grandmother. What a mixed signal!

    I 110% support you in trying naturally until Jan and then going from there. I hope you get those double lines soon!

  2. My two cents here: I spent a lot of time trying to figure out when I didn't want to get pregnant so it wouldn't conflict with weddings, trips, etc. At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you. No one will blame you if you can't attend your sister's wedding, whether you conceive naturally or via ART. Life happens and we have to roll with it. I say don't delay anything...you want that baby and you need to do whatever it takes to get there.
    Just my opinion...only you really know what's best for you.

  3. I'm with AplusB. Obviously you've got to do you, and so this is just an idea, but: what if you let the universe decide? What if you pursued treatment as soon as you and the RE think it's a good idea for you, and just left it up to the universe whether or not you were going to be too pregnant or too just-birthed to make it to your sister's wedding? I mean, if no-regrets is where you're sitting, why not do whatever you can to get that baby started? Again, obviously, you gotta do what you gotta, but it sounds like you gotta get you a baby.

  4. This is tough. On one hand, I understand your desire to want to get moving with any potential treatment. On the other, I can see how important it is for you to be at your sister's wedding. Ultimately it's up to you, but it also may just depend on what happens. A number of things are possible, including:

    1. You could get pregnant before getting any testing done.
    2. The testing and any resulting correctional procedures could take until January.
    3. You may not need treatment at all.

    Anything could happen, and it's somewhat out of your (or anyone else's) control. I think your plan for now is good. Go to the visit, get any tests run that the RE deems necessary, and then go from there.

  5. I've got to go ahead and agree w/ AplusB and lady pumpkin. I completely see how missing your sister's wedding would suck hard, but waiting to get going on a plan with your RE may suck even harder. If fate decided that you're ready and you actually got knocked up during that no-no period, I really doubt you'd be able to feel too bad about missing the sis's wedding, considering all that you gained.

    I keep trying to stop myself from planning my life around my fertility and it's hard, but I think it's important. There's only so long we can live in that "what if" phase. It eats at you.

    The most important thing is to do what feels right to YOU.

  6. So what will you say of me when I name my spawn Rumpelstiltskin? (As an aside, we actually call one of our dogs Grumpelstiltskin when he's grumpy. Cause we're cool like that)

  7. What? I want to know the name!!!! :) It isn't as bad as "Lute", is it???

    As for your sister's wedding-- why is her date set in stone already???? Did she pick a very hard-to-book site or something? When E and I picked a date, we found out a few months in advance that one of my best friends had another wedding that day that she couldn't miss, so we just changed the date. No big deal. I imagine this isn't a possibility (perhaps 'save the date' cards have already gone out? still-- you'd think your sister's presence would be more important, and date change cards could be sent...), but it's worth asking your sister, if you do wind up getting pregnant at the critical time. Here's hoping HARD for earlier, and then you can show up with your new baby and steal the show! :)

  8. Wow... I was in a very similar situation. My brother in law (my husband only has that one brother) was getting married in Napa Valley (he had just gotten back from being deployed to Iraq and was going to be deployed again in a few months). We live in Michigan. We were in our struggle (albeit minimal compared to others here) to conceive our baby and it was also suggested to me that we take a break to avoid a conflict just like yours.

    What happened? Yup, you guessed it. After eight months of timing and testing and drugs, I got pregnant at the perfect time so as to be 35 weeks at the wedding. I'll spare you the details, but I was all kinds of high risk and I had to miss the wedding much to my in-law's dismay.

    My hubby went because he was the best man, but I almost was rushed in for an emergency c/s while he was gone. Baby was born healthy the very next week. I don't regret missing that wedding (which ended up being featured in a bridal magazine) at ALL. So screw them, Sloper, what will be, will be. That is why people hire photographers and videographers.

  9. I have a close friend who broaches baby names that I HATE HATE HATE, too. Ugh. Then again, I wonder if some of our friends think our kids' names are sucky or dumb, too (and of course they would be in the wrong, eh?!)

    Some of the names that are getting more popular are just icky nowadays.

    If you dare . . . go to my blog and leave a comment with the name you hate, LOL, and since I have comment moderation I SWEAR I WONT PUBLISH it! Just dying to know! (and since I only have girls there is no chance you can offend me!)

  10. You said it exactly: you have to go with your heart. I think going against that little voice is never a good idea, so planning things around the wedding makes complete sense to me. That said, I don't think you should hold off on the natural. No sirree.

    And ugh about the name (is it Lee-for-a-boy? not saying I hate Lee-for-a-boy. Just awfully curious and hailing originally from the south I do know a lot of Lees-who-are-boys...or, Beauregard?:)