This and That; or, Wishes and Horses

Not much to say tonight. I made a wish on a star while out walking the dog--I don't see so many of them in the city, so I felt I had to seize my chances. I revised the wish about three times just to make sure it was conveyed without any ambiguity. We can't be too careful about these things.

There's a lot on my mind. I'm wondering when we'll do the IUI. I'm wondering about December and whether we should go forward with treatments that month or not. I'm reeling a bit from a badly timed pregnancy announcement last week that I'm not quite sure what to do about and don't have the energy to blog about yet. I'm trying to hold Lawyer Guy up while he tackles some doctor's appointments he's dreading. I'm trying to get 80 papers graded. I'm trying to prepare a faux-Thanksgiving feast for this weekend. I'm trying to enjoy my life as it is right now.

It never holds for long, but I seem to have reached some kind of stasis. I take it where I can find it.

And with that, I'm off to bed.

Weekend Update; or, Jane Austen Makes Everything Better

It was a good weekend. I kept busy, spending time with friends and Lawyer Guy. Even the crappy weather couldn't get me down. Saturday I went to yoga and had brunch with a friend who's going through IF testing right now, then ate dinner in Manhattan (mac 'n' cheese, the official meal of the 2ww) and attended a 30th birthday party for a friend who sang rock and roll karaoke with a band at a club. Yesterday I went to Palm Sunday Mass at a church in Brooklyn I'd heard good things about. The music was gorgeous and the community seemed friendly and supportive (and not excessively young-family heavy), so I'm sure I'll be back. Lawyer Guy cooked a delicious dinner and I watched most of the BBC Pride & Prejudice from 1996 (which I justified to myself as homework for my Jane Austen class) and worked on the blanket I'm knitting and went to bed in a good mood.

I'm still in a good mood today, a lot of which I'm sure is thanks to being on Spring Break and looking at a week of (productive) downtime to come. But some of it is also due to the decisions I've made about moving forward with my TTC plans next cycle.

I'm fairly certain I'm not pregnant and will be getting my period in a few days. It's disappointing, but I have an appointment scheduled with my doctor for April 8th, and I'm determined to have blood work done. Last week I did some reading up on thyroid disorders, and I think there's at least a chance that I have one. It would account for my cycles suddenly becoming irregular two or three years ago and even possibly for the miscarriage. I probably don't need to start seeing an RE yet (I'll save that for 6 months of post-miscarriage TTC), but this blood work is something my OB can do and will give us at least a bit more information to go on.

I also made an appointment with a new therapist for tomorrow. She seemed very nice on the phone, and I'm hopeful that this will be a better therapy relationship than the one I have with my current therapist. She's also much more conveniently located to my school, so that's a bonus!

And a lot of other positive things are happening: the BIL and SIL and nieces decided not to attend the seder tomorrow after all; I was able to avoid the mass crowds of baby gushers by visiting niece #2 in the hospital last week rather than at their home this weekend; we heard from our accountant that we'll be getting a larger refund this year than expected, so we can plan our trip to Scandinavia for August; the invitations we're sending out for my 30th birthday party in May just arrived!

All in all, it's been a good 2ww. I was worried last month that the week before my period would be similarly miserable for the rest of the time we were trying, but I suspect I just had to grieve the return to the TTC routine. As hard as it was to cry almost every day during that time (and as much as it upset and worried Lawyer Guy to see it), I'm glad I let myself feel and release those emotions, because I'm much better off now.

I'm sure I'll be sad when I get my period later this week, but I'm already looking forward to next cycle and the one after that, so I don't think it will hurt too much. Right now, I have faith that eventually we'll get our baby. Amazing what a good weekend will do!

* edited because I spelled "seder" wrong the first time. Wow, I am super embarrassed right now, because this will only be the tenth one I've gone to with Lawyer Guy. I blame my terrible spelling abilities, rather than a lack of knowledge about Judaism.

Be It Ever So Humble; or, Two Weeks Later

Ahhhhhh.

Did you hear that? That is the sound of a relaxed Sloper following two massages, four islands, and ten days away. I am tan(ner, anyway), rested, and ready as I'll ever be for the upcoming semester.

Did you miss me? Because I missed you guys! I missed hearing about your treatments, your pregnancies, your plans. It was good to be gone, but I'm glad to be back.

I'm also glad that I got my period on the trip, just a little. Oh, I cried a bit when I first started spotting and moped on the day she showed up. But unlike my last "period", which may have just been further post d&c spotting, this was unmistakable. (Honestly, I've never bled that much in my life!) I feel like my body is finally back on track, I feel good about where we've been and where we're going, and hopeful about the trip to get there.

I've got some exciting plans for the next few months: health and fitness ideas, school and teaching goals, home improvement projects, and a big-ass 30th birthday in May. It's going to be a good spring, and I'm ready for what comes next.

Two Churches; or, Scylla and Charybdis

When I lived on the Upper East Side, I joined a church. It's a beautiful church on Park Ave-- early 19th century, with a white marble facade and long, wide steps stretching down to the sidewalk. It has gold leaf and mosaics on the huge, vaulted ceiling, stained glass windows, gleaming brass, and a spectacular organ. It's one of the grandest churches I've even seen in this country.

It also has an active and vibrant population of young, professional singles and couples and a wonderful music program. The professional choir is superb and the children's choirs serious. But the choir I enjoyed most was made up of amateurs experienced with choral singing, and it sang at the 7:30 pm Mass on Sunday nights.

That's the choir I joined five years ago. I made some wonderful friends, sang some beautiful music, stretched my voice, and felt both spiritually and musically fulfilled. When I moved to Brooklyn, I continued as a member of my East Side church and continued to sing in the choir.

This September, I decided to take a break from singing. I was very anxious about the time commitment teaching two classes and taking two classes would pose, especially when I unexpectedly had to take over as co-chair of my Junior League committee. The hour-long subway trip to and from the UES to Park Slope was just too much to undertake on Sunday nights, when I needed to be preparing for the week ahead.

Instead, I started attending Mass at the local parish church a few blocks away. It is also very pretty, though on a much more local/normal scale. This parish has an active membership, as well. But unlike the twenty- and thirty-somethings that were my peers at my UES church, the Brooklyn church is full of families. There's a children's softball team and family potluck dinners. And morning masses are packed with parents and their two, three, or four children.

Since my miscarriage, I have oddly (or perhaps understandably?) felt closer to God and more invested in my faith than I had for years previous. I feel certain that I can rely on God for comfort and strength, feel convinced of his wisdom, and feel sure that somehow he will bring me to the family I'm meant to have.

But I have also found it increasingly painful and difficult to attend church. There's a point during the 9:20 mass when the children return from their separate liturgy to rejoin their parents. I stare at my lap, trying not to watch while moms and dads scoop them into their arms and settle them into pews. For the three Sundays after I returned to church following my miscarriage, the priest gave sermons on pregnancy loss, infertility, and stillbirths. I sat alone (my husband is Jewish) and cried silently, afraid to look up and see pity, or curiosity, or disinterest.

I love my church on the UES, but that's not where I live anymore, in so many ways. I want to belong to the church in Park Slope, but my life doesn't fit with that model yet.

I feel so trapped between the child-free, carefree life of the single and recently married and the child-centric, communal lives of parents.

I don't belong anywhere right now.

Ring Out the Old; or, 2009: The Year of Not So Bad

I was planning to post 2009: the Year of Suck today. But I'm sitting on my couch, watching the snow blanket the city, enjoying the quietness and peace of the weather and the fire in our fireplace. Lawyer Guy is home from a week-long business trip, we had a delicious brunch, we're listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack and we're planning to spend the afternoon baking cookies. Life just feels too good to dwell on the Suck.

So I bring you 2009: the Year of Not So Bad, my intended follow-up, instead.

- I presented my first paper at my first professional conference and I didn't make a total fool of myself.

- I traveled with my husband to Rome and London.

- My sister just below me in age (I have three younger sisters) moved to NYC after ten years in Montreal, China, and San Francisco.

- That same sister got engaged to a really wonderful guy who makes her very happy.

- My husband's job remained secure and he received a raise during a tough economic time.

- I realized I enjoy teaching, despite its challenges.

- I've had a really good hair year. Seriously, my colorist's done a great job, it's growing out nicely, and it's very soft and shiny.

So that's been the good. And I'm honestly appreciative for all of it (especially the hair part--it's taken me years of restorative treatments to get to this point. And I'm only slightly kidding about this).

I'll still post on The Year of Suck, probably when I'm feeling pissy and cranky and fed up with life. That day is not today.

Coming up: 2009: The Year of Suck and Plans for the Awesome Year of Hope and Achievement

Today; or, Good Things

Today we're going to decorate our Christmas tree.

Today I'm going to put the soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas on repeat.

Today I'm going to drink hot cocoa and cook with my husband.

Today I'm going to grade my students' papers.

Today I'm going to sit in front of a warm fire on a cold night.

Today I'm remembering why I love living in this neighborhood.

Today I'm going to be happy.

Thankfulness; or, Counting Blessings

I am thankful this weekend for so many things:

For my family, for the fact that we can all be together tomorrow, that we love each other and are always a stable force in each others' lives, even when we fight. And for my in-laws, who show me the love and kindness they would give to a daughter of their own.

For my friends, who have been so supportive these last two weeks. So many people have shown me how much they care about me, how sad they feel with me, and how hopeful they are for me.

For my education, that I'm paid to study a subject I love, and that I have the opportunity to introduce students to books they may not choose to read, but that they will (I hope) remember for all their lives.

For my home. It's comfortable and big enough for us and our dog and in a neighborhood we love. We have plans to fix up a few things and money to afford the improvements and we're not in danger of losing our place to live.

For our health and (maybe even more important!) our health insurance. I'm so grateful that all of the ultrasounds, doctors' visits, test and procedures were covered by insurance. I'm grateful that I was able to be proactive about seeing my physicians during my pregnancy, about testing to try to find out what went wrong, and that I can trust I'll be in good hands going forward. And I'm grateful to have mental health coverage and a therapist who is helping me through these struggles.

For my husband's job, which is secure (as secure as things can be right now) and allows me to pursue my academic dream instead of working in a better paying industry.

For the pregnancy. Even though it was short and even though I'm sadder than I ever imagined being, I loved my baby for the four weeks I knew I was pregnant. I'm grateful the baby had those seven weeks to live. And if there was something irreparably wrong, I'm grateful the baby felt no pain during its short time alive.

For the moments of hope and optimism, when I feel confident that we'll conceive another child and that we'll have the family we dream of.

Most of all, I'm grateful for my husband. He is my partner, and I couldn't survive any of this without him. I've never felt as loved and supported as I have these last two weeks, and I thank God every day that he is the man I married and the man with whom I will one day have children.

Happy Thanksgiving

Back to School; or, Back to Life

I'm up at 6:45 am because I'm going back to teaching for the first time in two weeks. I keep thinking about the fact that at the last class I taught, I thought I was still carrying a healthy pregnancy. I was puking between my courses. I scarfed down two slices of pizza at a staff meeting. I drove home and puked some more.

And then the next morning everything changed.

I really don't want to go back. I want to curl up in a ball in my bed and drink tea and hold my hot water bottle and watch bad tv. But my students have missed out on a week-and-a-half of their course. And while they wouldn't mind never coming back in again, I'm sure, I can't let them down like that.

Only three weeks left. I can make it.

I guess that's what being a grown-up is about.

Odds and Ends; or, Collecting Thoughts

I forgot to relate a little event that happened at the d&c. Before anything began, I had a stack of medical and other forms to fill out. Slipped in among them, they had accidentally put the consent form for termination of pregnancy.

I'm Catholic and have huge moral problems with abortion. (Which, I want to clarify, doesn't mean that I think people who have had them are evil or bad or immoral. One of my closest sources of support during this process has been my friend who aborted a first trimester pregnancy with a d&c two years ago, and I understand her reasons for making her choice. (The political aspects of the issue are a whole other kettle of fish. I'll just say that I tend to vote Democrat)).

Anyway, seeing this legal consent form intended for a woman voluntarily ending her pregnancy just made me flip out. I started sobbing. And weirdly, the first thing that popped into my head was that if I ever decided to run for political office people would think I had an abortion if I signed these forms.

I didn't sign them, and they cleared up the mistake and gave me the right ones. But my husband found my reaction a little bizarre--simply because he knows running for political office sounds like hell to me!

* * *
Today we're going down to my parents' house for an engagement brunch in honor of my sister directly below me in age. We're going to meet her fiance's parents, sister, and brother-in-law. I've been really looking forward to this. But I woke up this morning at 4:30 crying. Emotionally this doesn't feel like a stable day. I'm going to have to get past that for my sister's sake.

* * *
Rapidly fading/fluctuating pregnancy hormones don't just mess with your emotions. They also fuck with your skin. The clear, smooth, slightly dry skin of my pregnancy is gone. I've got zits now in places I didn't know they could grow.

* * *
Finally, we're going on a cruise in January! I've never been on one before and usually like more personalized vacations. I pour over travel guides, search online for deals and tips, try to cram in as many sights (and sites) as I can in a short vacation time. But right now, paying someone to take me around to sunny islands while providing me with booze and unlimited food (and a gym) sounds pretty great. My husband is delighted I've come around to his planning-free mode of vacationing.

Anyone been on a cruise before and have any recommendations? We're planning to depart from NYC just to cut down on bother and expense, and the only cruises leaving from their in our time frame are the Queen Mary 2 (ha!), Norwegian, and Royal Caribbean.