A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

School's Out For Summer; or, Different Times Ahead

About nine months ago, I was finalizing my syllabi for the fall semester and learned that I needed to take over as chair of my Junior League committee a year earlier than planned. I looked at the year to come--my first semesters teaching, my last semesters of course work, my volunteering career, and a host of other responsibilities--and I panicked. It seemed so overwhelming (particularly the teaching). But I knew I had to get through the year, so I told myself, "This year will suck. Be prepared. But you'll survive."

I had no idea at the time how very much this year would suck and how much more I'd have to deal with than the busy schedule I'd originally foreseen. But I got some of my prediction right, in spite of that. This year did suck, but I also did survive it. I'm still standing, having taught my last class of the semester, having not completely screwed up a generation of young American minds, having managed to advance toward my own degree, and having hauled myself out of bed morning after morning, forcing myself to comb my hair and brush my teeth and get out the door, even on the days when I wanted to do anything but.

Whatever next year brings, I know two things: I can handle it, and it will be different from this. Whether I'm pregnant again or starting fertility treatments, I'll be doing something new and ideally hopeful. And if there's more heartbreak to come, I'll survive just as I have done.

It feels good to know that I can look at a bad situation and muddle through. Nine months ago I wasn't sure I that I could.

Meanwhile, no more 6:30 am wake-up calls for me! A summer to look forward to--even a busy, hectic, work-filled summer--feels so good right now!

13 comments:

  1. What a great attitude! And a lesson I need to learn, no matter what - I will and can survive because I've come this far already. Thanks for the reminder teacher. ;)

    Congrats for summer vacation - oh how I miss that....

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  2. Just keep moving forward, honey. Keep running towards your goals, stealing bits of joy from wherever you can.

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  3. Congratulations on getting through this academic year!

    Sometimes, particularly as I read these blogs, I think about all the crap I've gone through in comparison to you all. Some of you have gone through so much more than I have, and some are just starting to experience kinds of pain that I've been through already. And I think that no matter how badly this has all sucked, there is no way I'll have to go through any of it again. I'll never again lose a second fetus, I'll never again start to wonder whether I am infertile. Things will progress. Some things will get better, and some will get worse. But hurdles have been overcome. We have done it, managed to stay on the road so far. And we won't be asked to cover that particular stretch of it again.

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  4. What a great attitude! I like to think the same thing about my last year. 2009 and the beginning of 2010 was hell. If we can make it through all of that shit, we can make it through anything.

    To a better year for you!

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  5. What exciting adventures ahead. Yes, you did survive a particularly awful year and the fact that you did all of that means that you have a deep well of courage and fortitude. I'm glad that you are able to look back and close the book on this part. Come on busy, but different, summer! I do hope that you are treating yourself to a nice leisurely day or two.

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  6. um, i think you need to come touch my arm or something so that your good 'tude can rub off on me. i'm actually at the point where i'm so terrified of what "could be" (or not) that i'm tempted to cancel my ivf in july. and today i treated my acupuncture session as a therapy one instead. i went on for 20 minutes about what could go wrong with my next ivf.

    congrats on this school year concluding, and yaay to summer!! i'm so jealous of your scandinavia trip. dh and i are researching switzerland for august. should be right after my beta, in which case, it'll be an early babymoon or a chance to drink my ass off in a foreign country for 10 days :o)

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  7. You have such a great outlook! I'm glad. I'm with you, too. I know that the summer "off" is nice, but isn't never really "off", is it?

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  8. You are a champion survivor, Sloper! Congrats on finishing up the school year! That must feel incredibly awesome. You are so right, you've been through absolute hell, and there has to be sunshine around the corner. xo

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  9. Yay! Sounds like you're in a good place right now and so great that you have the summer to look forward to. This past year was a shit-filled one for you and I believe that it means this year can only be better. Not just better...but awesome. I have high hopes for you.

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  10. Great attitude indeed! I hope you have a great summer after this crappy year.

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  11. Your rock girl...seriously love the attitude, and you're so right. We've come this far and survived, so no stopping us now!! With this year behind you and some stuff off your plate, I just know good things are in store for you my friend! You are due, and your time will come!!

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  12. The end of the academic year is a sweet moment, and I'm glad you're looking forward to the summer. I'm right there with you. And yes, you are strong, and you will weather whatever comes.

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  13. This post really struck a nerve with me. I think you've hit upon it exactly. Whatever comes, whatever happens, it will be different, and you WILL survive it. And most lovely of all possibilities: the year to come may turn out to be a wonderful one, no endurance race necessary. I hope so, for both of us.

    And it's a sweet, sweet moment: the year done, those young minds turned out on the world, a lovely summer stretching out in front.

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