Step #1 (Friday): Have Recently Trying Friend make a phone call. Have Secret Sloper answer said phone call-- during the break between the keynote speech and reception at the conference where she is assisting her advisor. Have RTF reveal that she is 4.5 months pregnant and due in September. Have Secret Sloper do some quick mental math and realize that RTF got knocked up her first month trying. And is the third of Sloper's former bridesmaids to do so.
Have RTF mention that: she waited this long because she really wanted to tell Sloper about this in person; they must get together to chat all about this so soon; she's having her 20 week u/s next week; being pregnant is "really hard sometimes."
Cue falsely and desperately cheerful conversation from Sloper, abrupt conclusion to phone call, and sobbing, sunglasses-shielded trip around the block, followed by a dinner with some of the most prominent academics in Sloper's field. (But hey, at least the taxi driver handed her a napkin as she wept in the back seat of his cab on the way home).
Step #2 (Saturday): Bring the original First-Time-Lucky bridesmaid back to NYC for a quick visit with her family before she moves out West for the foreseeable future. Force Sloper to pay a visit to her and her adorable six-month-old son, who was born the day after the m&m ended his or her short life. Hope that retching, choking and other extreme digestive reactions do not ensue.
Step #3 (Sunday): Now would be the absolute ideal time for a nationwide celebration of mothers.
At A Yet-To-Be Determined Moment: Toss in a visit from America's favorite bloody hag.
This is it, right? The blackest before the dawn? Things are gonna start looking up? The sun'll come out tomorrow?
Cause it can't get any worse, can it? Can it?
Oh, and universe, these are rhetorical questions. Not challenges. Just so we're clear.